Unknown Thoughts...

formspring.me

2011-05-31T01:37:00.001+01:00

I dare you to ask, http://formspring.me/AzraelAngel

Who's your favorite relative and why are they your favorite?

2011-05-27T13:44:00.001+01:00

I don't have a favourite, I love those nuttters like i love 'it' ;) ;p;

You have something to say?

formspring.me

2011-05-27T13:39:00.001+01:00

You have something to say? http://formspring.me/AzraelAngel

Wake Up Call...

2011-01-19T10:26:00.001Z

As I lay in bed, whispers of the dream I had fading, My phone announces the arrival of a text.

-What are you up to?

-Nothing much, just thinking of you :)

To be true I wasn't, but now memories of the other nightcome back to me. The sound of her breathing in my ear, blade-like nails piercing my skin. Her body writhing in pleasure, her face contorted in ectasy.

-lol I hope they're good thoughts hun

-They're always are lol

She replied soon enough.

-Do you want some new ones?

A smile spread across mr face.

-Come over...

Became my reply...

Revelation...

2010-11-27T17:07:00.000Z

They held each other close, miniture quakes holding them in the midst of their intensity. An eternity passes, the seconds of the mmoment elongating into months upon months of euphoria. The after-shocks gripping them so tightly last an age, and she takes thaat era to think.
Here I lie, an angel holding me close, His wings enveloping me, His halo bathing me in this golden light. Is this really real?
She wonders on this for a moment, before noticing the thin smile spread across his face.
"Why are you smiling?" She asks him.
"You're glowing," His smile widens further. "Why?"
"Because, it feels like I made love to an angel tonight."
"An angel?" He laughs. "Well, an angel I may be, but I have the devil inside, and He wants to play..."

ARGH!!!

2010-11-26T14:37:00.000Z

Well well well, hello again...

I'm sorry i haven't been posting lately (or in the last few months!), but I have had an all manner of things crop up lately. I've had technical difficulties (old computer = constant maintenance!), connection loss (modem got broke :(...), relationship problems (I'm single again), job issues (yeah, erm...two words: night shift...), plus another six thousand or so challenges and shit to sort through.

Anyway, I'm back now, and hopefully, for good. I must admit I haven't been writing lately, but I do have a little story to start up again! So until then, read this little taster I wrote for a friend I work with, wanted to know this old site was about. ;)

Oh yeah, to my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving :)

His hand traced the contours of her body. Each finger sent pulses through her, each one spearing every nerve he slides over. She felt lips press her, a tongue gliding down her neck. His breath electrified her. She wanted him, desired him. Her body craved his masculinity, to feel him thrust into her deeply, to match every thrust. Her desires consumed her, it had been too long since she had felt a man's touch. She moulded her body to his, exposing her lust, finding his heat...

-.AA.-

Two Ls...

2010-10-06T02:35:00.000+01:00

We were sitting around the room, smoking, drinking, eating pizza. Conversation was light, small talk mainly. I kept glancing at her body, her small curves contrasting with her bust. I knew she noticed, yet she never said anything. Conversation, and wine, flowed, our talk moved into more intimate territory. I was waiting for this, my history with people preceded with her, yet she didn't noticed the connection until I opened my mouth. She questioned my sexuality, my 'skills', as it were, my bedpost, all the things that go around with my story. I answered honestly, keeping an eye on my girl's expression. She watched us quietly, whether through fascination or terror, I never knew. The questions kept coming, each one more and more revealing than the last. I told her, with all honest intention, that I was felling turned on from the conversation. She merely smiled, and so did my girl. I smiled in kind, more out of thought than respect, the thought of what I could do to her, what pleasures, and pains, she would experience. I already know her limits, she told me so over the phone. I left the room, in need of a glass, thinking about the wine I was drinking, thinking of offering her a glass. She had declined before, but she had a few bottles of Ice left, but now she was on empty, so I thought to keep her occupied. I was a mere moment, grabbing a glass from the cupboard, I return to the room to find a different view. I found them together, my girlfriend and her, together in each other's arms. I knew them two have got close before, but not to what they were doing. Their hands explored each other, t-shirts rising above their breasts. Their hands massaged each other. Lips, locked in a tight embrace, tongues twisting. I sat down and shut the door, they never showed any notice at all. My girl's hand slid down beneath her friends waist, beneath her jeans. I saw a flair of pleasure, a shock of lusty pleasure shooting up her back. My lover's mouth moved down, wrapping along the contours of her neck. I poured three more glasses, the white greneche's sweet scent exiting my lips. I a little longer, seeing the lust and pleasure before me, and wondered whether to let them enjoy each other, or to join in...

Initiating...

2010-09-02T14:28:00.000+01:00

Sweet wine trickled down my throat. The air in the room was hot, even with the fan on at full, sexual tension reaching fever pitch. The girls, though tipsy on the wine, couldn't be relaxed, their nerves restraining them from making the first step. I look to the only other man in the room. An European, his amiable demeanour softened my mood. I needed to get things going, thinking what I could do to break the ice. Then it came to me, the one thing that I know relaxes people. I reach for the draw, sifting through the things to find what I required. I find the lotion underneath one of my silk ties, prompting another thought to cross my mind, making me smile. I stand up, sliding the bottle into my back pocket. I turn to one of the girls, my partner's best mate, and offer a massage, as I noticed that her shoulders seemed tense. She looked to her European boyfriend, who, with a smile on his face, nodded. She agrees, asking where she needs to be.

"Lie on your stomach, and remove your clothes." The experienced smile on my face spreads, my eyes tracing the contours of her neck.She does as she is asked, lying down to remove her bra. I sit beside her, warming the lotion between my hands. I work from the bottom, spreading the cream around her back. Her skin was soft, supple, I wanted to reach down and taste her neck. I restrain my impulse, and carry on with my duty. Slow, rhythmical movements trace her contours. Within a few short minutes, I notice her body, slowly relaxing herself in my company. I look over to the others, they were whispering to each other, their conversation inaudible over the music. I smile a them, and beckon for my girlfriend to come over. I tell her to take over, and to concentrate on her points. She does so nicely, the girl barely noticing the change. I walk to the Euro, and whisper something to him.

"In a moment, go and kiss my girl's neck, slowly." In his eyes, he sees the pattern I'm playing, and nods his head, gripping the arms of the chair he is sitting on.I sit on the table, turning the sound down a notch, and lit up a cigarette. I watch him move slowly, a panther on the hunt, and gracefully mould himself to my woman. I hear the wet kisses, I see his hands exploring her, I watch her back arch. Soon, the other notices the lack of movement on her back, and turns her head. Her eyes go wide, seeing the scene played out before her, then wider as I move to her. I stroke her face, telling her to let it go naturally, and lean in to take her lips...

Friday Fill-Ins!

2010-08-06T12:25:00.000+01:00

1. Life is good right now.

2. I will keep going.

3. My last text message (or IM) ended in these three words: I love you.

4. Mince is what I'm thinking about for dinner sometime soon.

5. On the 1st day of August I enjoyed my life.

6. My girl lively and energetic.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to good times, tomorrow my plans include a car boot sale :L and Sunday, I want to see the family!

Flash Fiction Friday!

2010-08-06T09:10:00.000+01:00

(Source image: "Untitled 3" by Samantha Wolov)

Her back arched as her lover worked their tongue against her. Her thoughts, drifting, floating, crashing to earth with each press of the tongue. Illicit moans escaped her mouth, getting louder with each moment. The build up was getting to her by then, she needed this release. Three weeks had gone by, not a single drop of ecstasy, that is why she is so close now. The wave was coming, gathering strength, rising in power, ready to consume her...Then, it stops. No wet tongue sending shivers down her spine, no lips massaging her own. She looked down, locking onto the pale blue eyes of her lover. 'Something tells me you needed this' The lover murmurs. 'Mmm, yes I do, and I want more' The lover smiles, long blonde hair framing the expression. 'Oh yeah?' The lover goes down, and then, ecstasy...

Flash Fiction Friday!

2010-07-23T11:24:00.000+01:00

It went without saying really. She had been in that position for a good few hours now. The only contact she had from me was the crop. Bruised, her legs cramped, trembling, aching with need, the desire for satisfaction. I could give it to her, but with all things, she had to work for it. I brush the end of the crop against her exposed skin, watching her body react to the sensation. I let out a laugh, one laced with the emotion of my intent. She seemed to notice it, her trembling body vibrating faster. ‘Want more?’ A pleasured moan was her response...

Smoky Haze...

2010-07-20T00:21:00.000+01:00

I stroked her body through the cotton vest she was wearing. Every inch was left untouched, my hands wandering, exploring her. Her sighs and moans told me where she liked to be touched. Her hips rocked underneath my hands, exposed skin tightened, hairs raising. I lean in and kiss her neck, tongue darting between my lips, leaving faint trails, like footsteps, along her curve. I whisper into her ear, murmuring about a drink. I rise to leave the room, I felt her hand slide down my naked torso, fingers playfully hooking onto the hem of my shorts. I grab my glass from the kitchen, taking in a sip. the sweet taste of the wine made it's illicit way down my throat. I go back to the room, opening the door slowly. I see her there on my bed, her body exposed to the world, cigarette burning gracefully from her fingers. She takes a pull, smiling at the look on my face. 'Do you like what you see?' She asked, noticing the growing bulge between my legs, and the movement of my eyes, which were following the contours of her body. I merely smile, setting the wine down on the table. I take the cigarette from her, taking a deep pull. I breath out, my vision clouded by the haze. 'Darling,' I began, my eyes locking to hers, 'you already know that answer...' My voice trailed off as I leaned in to kiss her lips, my hands drifting their way down to her soaking mound...

Jasper...

2010-07-16T00:52:00.002+01:00

The following piece was written by a friend of Lydia, Jasper. A good man, and a good writer, in my opinion. So, please enjoy a chapter of this man's life, and please, by all means leave a comment, critique, or general thoughts that you have about it. (Be warned, this is not a sexual piece, more of a history lesson like certain other posts I have made.)

-.AA.-

I was born and raised in the borough of Hillingdon. I had a fair upbringing but always resented my sisters as they were always able to be more independent and still are to this day. I had always dislike my oldest sister as she was very controlling and not in the bossy sister way. She would expect everything on a plate of gold and nothing less. Following constant arguments that usually end with me winning mentally and verbally but her winning by "telling dad". At the age of eleven, I had finally said I had had enough. I had planned to run away when the next family argument kicked up. I would slip out the back door and be off with enough camping gear and rations to last 2 months. I had this all packed for a good 3 weeks.

When the evening came and the usually "argument" kicked up I had had a go at the oldest for a good 3 hours. Everyone trying to calm me down I managed to slip up to my room "crying". I grabbed my stuff and managed to sneak to the back door. I had got to the door when Nicole (second oldest) saw me and my stuff and protested at once. I got on to the other side of the door in the nick of time locking them in and me out. I was planning to take the dune buggy up the back roads to Berkhampsted and stay there until I found a stable life. I had the keys to it in a carved out book in my room which I took with me under my arm. I got to the buggy and turned it to the gate. It had been pissing it down with rain and as I turned the key in the ignition I had a sinking feeling that I was going nowhere quickly. The battery had cut out and I was sitting on what was potentially a very expensive bench. With the buggy fucked and me at the edge of restraint, I was willing to do anything to get away. I ran to the gate and forced it open and as I had done so, my sister Nicole had grabbed me by the collar.

I turned round and ran through the house. I got to the front door my dad stepped in front of me. I begged him to stand aside and let me pass but no cigar. He wasn’t willing to let his only son run off into the night and end up dead in a forest some where. I admitted defeat and began to listen in to the argument that my oldest sister and mum where still continuing. I heard her call me a fuck wit and a pathetic cunt. As any one would, I lost it. At this point she would have been 20 so there was no need for her to be living with her parents and sponging off everyone. So passing through the kitchen, I drew out the biggest knife of the stock and held it to her face. I told her that if this is such a shit house to live in and that there was nothing here for her then why was she still here?

She responded to this by saying she had no where to go. I laughed so hard that my sides began to hurt. The fact that her best friend Cleo was more of a lapdog then an equal friend and that she had her eating out of her chubby palm made me sick, but this only shows that she had more places to go then me or then any of us. With out lowering the knife I bellowed into her face "find somewhere" she merely snarled back at me and told me to fuck off. This was the tip of the iceberg. With nothing but adrenalin rushing through my mind and soul I though that that night would be the end of it. She would have half her face missing and I would be locked up safely in Feltham.

Just as I tensed my arm to take a slice, my dad seemed to of noticed I wasn’t fucking around. He stepped in front of her and seemed to tower over me with disappointment. My heart sank as my arm went limp and I dropped the knife with an almighty clatter. I’ll never forget his face that night. The sheer fear of losing some one so close and at the fault of some one closer. I could tell that if I had left that night it would have damn near killed him.

As soon as the knife had hit the floor my mum seemed to whimper with relief. Nicole put a comforting hand on my shoulder as if to say that tonight was over and that I had failed. I could imagine that Sarah (the oldest) still to this day believes that she had managed to beat the spirit out of me by twisting the rules and regulations of the house. Defeated, I took and shower and cried to my self in bed. Dad feeling the most sympathy came and stayed till I had fallen asleep.

In the morning school seemed too dull and as my emotions were running higher then cloud nine, I ended up getting into a fisty-cuffs with a boy called Gareth. I seemed to of vented all my anger out on this arrogant, self-centered cunt of a child as he probably reminded me of my sister. After six of his mates ripping me off and a knee to the throat I went down. Gareth (who had gone down after about 3 hits to the stomach) staggered to his feet and walked away with his "gang". I still hadn’t quite got my breath back when the girl I had liked at that moment saw me on the floor gasping for air and Gaz’s crew walking off and had assumed the worst. Within the hour half the school had heard how Gareth had battered the scrawny white neek and that he was a bad man.

So, the next day I was playing football with my mates and who would it be but to take the ball? Gareth, and this time on his own. Chasing him to the next playground, I slammed him against the fence and kicked the ball out of his feet with unnecessary force. He seemed to take the hint and shoved me back

I turned to him and merely smiled and he threw the first punch. Dodging it I clocked him right in the face, had got him in a head lock and pummeled him black and blue. Only when he screamed did his mates intervene. As I flung him to the ground and kicked 7 different shades of shit out of him, his sidekick Gregory had rugby tackled me from behind. Shocked, I looked around and received yet another cheap hit to the throat. Teachers soon broke everything up as I began to hyperventilate. Being dragged off to the nurse's office is always a triumphant exit as he was still on the floor groaning with agony.

-.AA.-

Friday Fill-Ins!

2010-07-09T11:57:00.000+01:00

1. Layers of emotion.

2. Helpful insight.

3. I'd be willing to bet that next week will be a good one for me.

4. I don't know what scares the dog.

5. I'm fond of a few people, even if they don't know it yet.

6. Sex: You can't have too much!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to good times, tomorrow my plans include a repeat hopefully, and Sunday, I want to repeat the last weekend!

Flash Fiction Friday!

2010-07-09T11:51:00.000+01:00

They were driven, beaten, hammered by the constant onslaught of the rain. Heavy cotton clinged to their skin, as they held on to each other on the outcrop. Thick, muscular arms wrapped her small frame, his mouth giving sensations more illicit than the last flash of lightning. Through the monsoon-heavy sheets of rain, she saw his flash of teeth, a wry smile which stated his own, wicked intentions. She laughs 'Of course..' her hands lowered to the thick, already wet shaft wanting, craving her touch...

The Weekend...

2010-07-07T16:53:00.000+01:00

It's 2:30pm, according to my phone. She is close, almost at the station. I wait at the platform patiently, eagerly waiting for the weekend, our weekend, to begin. It is humid, cloying heat raking my lungs with each breath. My heart thumped deep within my chest, sweat dripping off my brow in time with the beat. I can see the train in the distance, pulling into it's last stop. I turned the off the music blaring through my headphones, chilled Indie, trying to keep my chest from bursting from excitement.

The crowd spewed from the compact train, the buzz of their daily lives echoing off the curved ceiling. My eyes scan the crowd, looking for the lass and her long, brown hair.I catch her glancing eyes, my smile spreading across my face. We embraced each other, lips locked in passion. Oh, how I wanted to take her then and there! It took all of my will to stop myself, and all my strength to stop showing my hunger for her touch. I smiled at her, and led her off to home. I felt her hand pinch my bottom through my jean's fabric, a cheeky smile gracing her lips. We hurried back to mine, the walk taking what seemed forever. All through the trip, we teased and tantalised each other, hands searching every inch of our backs, lips feeling their way across lips, cheeks, necks. My hunger grew, wanting to savour each and every taste of her, her eyes telling me the same. Those eyes of hers, fractured circles of Arctic ice ringed by sand, undressed me at each turn.

We reached my door, my hands fumbling for my keys. I unlocked the door, dragging my prey inside. Shutting ang bolting the door, I threw her onto the bed, jumping on top of her like a hunter of old. She bit her lips, aware of my darker side, yet not experienced. The course of that morning saw a revelation to her. She knew what to expect of me, yet didn't realise the full extent. Now was my chance to show her who I was. A predator, an insatiable thirst for passion, for intensity. I devoured her mouth, lips and tongues clashing in lethal dance. Hands raked her sides, pulling at material, ripping thin membranes. One hand held her head, securing it against my mouth while we kissed.The other slid it's way down, across her stomach, below her waist, fingers searching for her sweet lips. I spread her legs, gaining more ground, fingers touching the edge of her pussy. She was moist, and my hunger couldn't take no more. I needed to feed.

I grabbed at her waistband, tugging it down, leaving nothing behind. I flung the fever-ripped material away, and stared hungrily into her eyes. She knew what was to come, and parted herself to receive what I had waiting. At that, I dived, tongue searching for treasures of pure ecstasy. Juices flowed, tongue dancing in revelry, fingers delving further. Her body shook, waves crashing through her, orgasms weakening her resolve to resist me. I pushed on, my relentless nature taking hold. Her moans and screams heightened my senses, toying with my desire to launch my final attack. I made my preparations, shedding my clothing to the floor, still not letting go of her.

My prey was all but spent, her body unable to take any more of my assault. Noticing her disposition, I rose up, wiping her juices away from my mouth. I leant in and kissed, awakening her mind. I looked into her eyes, seeing her lust, her pleasure, the emotional hurricane ripping through her head. I smiled, malice playing itself in. She merely nodded, ready to take on what was to come. I checked myself, laid down my foundations, checked my hood, and penetrated her body.

I allowed myself to go slow, letting her get used to this new sensation. With each thrust, I sent new waves into her, notions of climax few and far between. Granted, she held her ground, but I knew she would want more. I kept the the pace, waiting for the sign. I got it. She whispered, whispering words which made me lick my lips in anticipation: 'harder'. I obliged, my speed accelerating, my thrusts going in harder, deeper. I felt her writhe underneath me, unable to hold any more. Screams of pleasure erupted from those soft lips, nails raking my back, trying to fight back. It only fuelled my fire. I kept pushing on, building up the intensity of my invasiveness. I could feel myself ready for the final blow, wanting to explode in the euphoria of the moment. I held myself back, waiting for her to collapse. She did, her body weakened, her breath shallow. I knew it was time. I allowed my own pleasure to erupt forth, an intense orgasm destroying what was left of my energy.

I collapsed. Adrenaline levels were coming down, the beast inside of me returning to it's lair. My senses were returning, catching notions of movement beyond the walls around us. Conversation, music, cooking. Stephen was home. She moved beside me, wrapping herself around me. She wore a smile of content, she was satisfied. I had to admit, I felt the same. The intensity of the moment had consumed me, turned me primal. Times like that were rare for me, even more so during sex. A smile spread across my face at the thought, and leaned over for a smoke.

We chatted for a while, allowing our bodies to recover. We smoked, had few drinks, it was...surprisingly candid. It seemed almost as if anything went with her. It all felt a little too relaxed for someone who's used to the post-sex silence that normally follows. Then again, it made for a refreshing change.

We went at it for for a few more rounds, each one better, longer, more intense than the last. The end of the night beckoned for us to sleep. I felt myself dropping into unconsciousness late into the night. I mind played the events of the day back, all the emotion, the lust, the fire we created. The images were vibrant, a kaleidoscope of colours. Lust filled icy-blue eyes dominated all that I saw. Lips enveloping my slick piece, orgasms powering through my body, the screams of my prey filling my ears, and igniting my primal side even further.

I awoke to see her lazing in my chair, cigarette clasped between dainty figures.She passes a comment about my sleep, something regarding my posture. I merely laugh then lean in for a kiss. She responds in kind, putting the cigarette down into the ashtray. I reach for her, hands touching places that excite her, hers reaching my own. We lay back on the bed, mutual masturbation giving our bodies a wake up call. I work faster, bringing this woman to further reaches of pleasure. She brings me to the edge, my muscles tightening at the sensations. We explode together, like two suns going supernova. We lie there, she on top of me, breath caught short by the experience. I grab two smokes, light them, and pass one over.

The day goes by quietly, our bodies still to exhausted by all the pleasure. Conversation flowed. Gossip on mutual friends and events of the night that we missed filtering down to us. The other that I had designs on, has been equally as naughty as we had been that night. Many were in a buzz over us as well. I had to smile at the disturbance I created with this group. I don't think they had come across such a person as me before, able to sweep many women in a single day, the anger some of the men that their muses were preoccupied by this older, more experienced man. To be honest, I didn't really care. I got who I wanted, and I was happy with that.

She receives a call from home, it was time for her to take care of other duties. I took her down to the station, waiting with her by the platform. Her train rolls in, she leaves a single, lingering kiss on my lips and walks away. I watch the train leave the station, taking her to her own destination. I make my way to the local pub, fancying a taste of the beer. She sends me a text, thanking me for the weekend. I reply: 'That's alright Lydia, it has been an exciting weekend for me too, I hope we can do it again.'

'Oh, it will happen.' Came the reply...

Egyptian Cotton

2010-06-28T00:54:00.000+01:00

The shirt draped his shoulders like a cloak of a regal. His masculinity covered except for the the few teasing buttons at the top. The collar, sharp and crisp against his dark, tanned neck, gave way to a face that sculptors dream of creating. A chiselled look set him as a man that could melt the hearts of anyone that dared to look. His eyes, a deep blue only found in the deepest oceans, focused on my own dark earthen eyes. He stepped towards me in the setting sun, the call of birds answering each footfall. I looked on in awe, a veritable god was walking towards me, confidence and sexuality oozed from every pore. I felt my heart race, my nerves longing for his touch. Oh, his touch! Fingers, as soft as a petal from a rose, sent notions of sensual thoughts through my skin. He is nearer, his chest rising at each breath, his muscles tightening underneath the Egyptian cotton containing them. He reaches me, my arousal plain to the audience around us. Their eyes looked on at this silent exchange, where hearts and minds battled to tame themselves. He reached for me, his hands touching my cheek. Electricity shot through my spine. Oh how I wanted him! I looked down to his shorts, and my delight is heightened by what I see. He moves to my hair, playing with each strand like a string on a harp. I couldn't take no more, reaching for his shirt, wanting to give in to the beast that wants to claim and dominate this god standing before me. But his power over me strengthens, His face leaning in closer, until I can feel his breath on my neck. Muscles twitched along his neck line, coaxing me into reacting to him. I did, settling my wanting mouth to his neck, tasting his skin at each kiss. He responds in kind, every touch of those lips of his making my heart skip a beat each time. He whispers to my ear, a sound so soft that I could barely hear him over my heart. 'Let me take you away for a while, to a place where only few dream of going.' How could I refuse? I offer my hand, shaking at the prospect of this man having his way with me. He takes it, leading his young prey to somewhere where my dreams can come true with him. We reach my room, my own masculine domain, where the hearts of those who have surrendered to me for pleasure. Now, it was my turn to feel such pleasure. The door shuts behind us, and his hand reach for my waist, peeling my cotton tee away from my trembling body. I let him lead me, knowing that I can not take control of this god-like creature for my own devious plans, rather letting fulfil them for me. He undressed me in the sun-kissed room, leaving me bare at the open windows, the eyes of those who we were with watching my every move. This fact alone sent a wave through me, knowing that, not only am I going to be sent to the heavens with this man, but also knowing that those I love will be watching me from the ground. He wraps his arms around me, noticing that his shirt was gone. And so was his shorts. He whispers once more, the last words I will here before the day is gone. 'Now is the time for you to let go.' I smiled to myself, catching his form in the reflection of the window. I leaned forward, parting myself, waiting for his manhood to take me away. I felt him slide inside me, his thick cock filling me no other has before. He teased me for a moment, sliding himself and then pulling out again. He repeats his actions, my ass wanting more of him. He gets into a rhythm, causing wave upon wave to crash through my body, I couldn't hold any more, my resolve dissipating with each thrust. I let out a moan, load and long, capturing the attentions of those below us. I watched their faces as they recognised me, their jaws dropping, gasps escaping them. One of them, the only person within the group who had designs on the man sending me to the stratosphere, raised her hands and clapped quietly, a smile telling me that she wants to know how he felt, how he touched. I smiled at the eyes below me, and then allowed myself to become absorbed into him...

No Retreat, No Surrender...

2010-06-25T22:52:00.000+01:00

I have fought many foes in my lifetime, and have overcome some impossible odds, but the one battle that tested me to the limits was the battle of Harlington fields. It was a grey afternoon, a short time after Guy Fawkes night I believe and the promise of rain seemed distant. I was visiting relatives near the park, where my crew waited. I spent quite a time there, talking mainly family gossip and past incidents. I left there after a few questioning texts off of Jimmy. I hit the field and crossed to where they were, smoking local grade and sharing a bottle of gin. We sat there for a while, organising our plans for the night, until Tetron noticed a small group of local hoods at the other end of the field. We ignored them, carrying on with the conversation at hand. I kept glancing back at them, weary of unknown crews near us. A car pulled up near them, and a few more kids joined them. Then more cars pulled up, spewing more hoods. This wasn't looking good. The others noticed it as well, so we started to pack up and head towards the side entrance. But we couldn't pass. Several more guys blocked our route out. Intel mentioned something about entrapment. I knew what he meant. It has been known when one crew has been outflanked by rivals, and were nigh on slaughtered. Hell, even the Angels used such tactics before. We headed back the way we came, trying for the main entrance of the park. The now larger group were heading towards us. Shit, I thought. I made a heada count of the gang heading up. Roughly thirty of them, not including the group at the side entrance, to our thirteen. I was not liking the look of it and said as much to Jimmy. He agreed, and spoke to the group as a whole.

"Angels, pull your blades, this is going to be a messy fight."

We did. The gang, coming from both sides now, were boxing us in. In front of us, we had the bulk of the enemy, to the right, the rest of them. To the back and left, a thick, tall hedgerow and stell security fencing. The crew that faced us stopped at the wooden fence surrounding the children's playground we took refuge in. One of them spoke to us, and I knew the guy as Charlie, the main who Intel and I done a disposal job for a few weeks back.

"We want Azrael. Give us him, and we let you go free."

"And if we don't?" Arch shouted out.

"You will die."

"Fuck you! You ain't having him!" Made replied, holding his cleavers ready.

"Then so be it," Charlie said, pulling a switch blade from his pocket. "Get them!"

They Charged us, climbing over the fencing and rushing through the gate. As they were after me, the Angels formed a defensive ring around me, but it wasn't enough. A few broke through the protection, swinging their weapons at me. I ducked out, rolling on the floor, rising up and slashing at a groin. Blood poured, a man's screams roared out. I rose up to stand, punching the other attacker to the floor. I slammed my boot into his neck, and turned to face another. He carried an axe, swinging the heavy blade for my head. I dodged again, aiming a stab for his gut. It connected, driving deep into his stomach. Pulling out, I looked for K in the onslaught. I saw her fall, a tyre iron clipping her head. I saw red from there, and went into a frenzy. I jumped onto her attacker, slashing and stabbing at him. I took him down, turning on anyone who dared to get at me.

I can't remember much else, the rest of the battle being a blur. I remember flashes of steel, blood spray splashing on my leather jacket, an axe I picked up, cutting into a leg. The screams of those that were down, both theirs and the Angels. A glass bottle stabbing at my face, nicking my chin. Tame body, never been felled in a fight before, dropping at the slash of a cleaver. Lil'Jim tackling a guy, while Tetron stuck a knife in the opponents chin. It felt like hours, slashing, stabbing, punching kicking, anything to repel the attack. They never gave up, pushing us further towards the corner. Bodies were everywhere, many writhing in pain, some weren't.

I locked eyes on Charlie, and I lunged for him, swinging for his neck. He parried, slashing his switch blade at my back. I felt the steel cut through my jacket, opening skin, drawing blood. I roared in pain, but kept going. The image of K dropping burned in my mind, my anger, my hate, every emotion boiling it's way out. I threw the axe I had found at him, and it connected with his arm, digging into his wiry frame. He fell, screaming at the site of his blood. I looked around, hoping for another target. There weren't any.

Out of every person that was in the fight, only six remained, including me. Four Angels, two attackers. The last two were soon dropped, and I called for the four still standing, Arch, Tetron, and Lil'Jim, to grab the others. I found Lady K, out cold from the blow to the head. I grabbed her, picking her up and slinging her over my shoulder. Tame, dazed from the blood loss, trying to stand. I pulled him to his feet, telling him to find the others that fell. We rounded up the others, grabbing anything else that we could find. Weapons mainly, some ours, many of them theirs, plus a few valuables that were scattered during the battle. I stopped at the sight of Charlie, trying to make phone call. I rested K on Arch's shoulder, and said to everyone to head for the cars. I went over to Charlie, kicking his phone away.

"What do you want from me?" I asked him, my venom clear for him to see.

"You destroyed my brother, you cunt!"

"What? When?" I had my foot on his bad arm, applying pressure when I said those words. He yelped in pain.

When we last met, you prick! You broke his back! He can't walk any more!"

"So you wanted blood? Huh, fair enough. I you want it, then here it is." I wiped my finger across my cut chin. I wiped it across his face, eye to lip.

"Here's your blood." I kicked him in his face, knocking him out. I jogged back to the others, taking K on my shoulder, and lifting a bloody Jimmy up to support his weakened frame. He went to speak but I silenced him.

"We will talk when we get to safety."

We got to the cars, piling the wounded into the back seats. Arch and Lil'Jim drove us back to Jimmy's place. The ride was quiet, no one wanted to say anything. We got there, carried the wounded out into the living room. We looked a sorry state. Everyone bore wounds, blood spatter covered our clothing. I got Tetron to help me work on the more serious wounded. It took a while, binding wounds, stitching those that wee too open to leave. It was well into the night by the time I had finished, and I desperately needed a drink. I went out into the garden, and Jimmy was there, resting from the work I had dome on his face. He had cuts all over his face, plus a deep wound in his forearm. He was smoking a cigarette, and offered me one when I sat down with my glass of water I grabbed.

"Colin, what the fuck was that about?" I hated it when he calls me by my real name.

"Remember the job me and Intel done a few nights back? Well, the guy we got the gear from wanted revenge for me breaking his brother's back."

"You what?"

"yeah, That whole mess, all that blood spilt today, was in the name of family honour."

"Fuck, and he pulled that many people? Damn, he must be popular."

"Well, there are big families out in Harefield, I wouldn't be surprised if they were related to him in some way or form."

"Hmm, could just well be."

I finished my cigarette in silence, allowing the adrenaline rush that flowed through my body for the best part of the day. I didn't stop moving for a good eight hours, trending to wounds, checking the others out for any other injuries. I still hadn't woken up yet, and I was getting worried. So I went back in to the living room, and check on my Lady. Her face, covered in blood, looked so peaceful at that moment. I gently shook her, hoping for a sign. She stirred, and I felt relief. She started, her version of events coming into focus. She looked around at the familiar surroundings, seeing the Angels, tattered and torn from the fight. She looked at me, holding a cloth to wipe her face with. She smiled, taking the cloth to clean up.

"Ouch, my head hurts."

"You took a blow to the head babe, I almost lost you out there."

"Oh, how's the others?"

"They're OK, a lot of them are out of it, but they'll live."

"Hmm, you been playing doctor ain't you?"

"Well, you were out of action, someone had to."

"Nice one. You done good Az, and thank you for all that you done tonight."

"Heh, no problem."

I gave her a kiss and told her to rest up. She obliged, though it took a while. She's the mothering type, making sire everyone else is good before her. I checked on the others, carried a few upstairs so they had somewhere more comfortable to rest in, and went down to clear up, and go through what we had found. A few axes, more knives and blades, a bit of cash from the wallets we got, a few phones, and some jewellery. Other than that, not a lot. I went out to check on Jimmy. He fell asleep on the chair. I left him to it. I went back to the living room. Everyone else was asleep too. I sat next to a sleeping K, and dropped myself.

Friday Fill-Ins!

2010-06-25T18:15:00.000+01:00

And...here we go!

1. On vacation, I like to relax by the sea...
2. I will always have fun in the ocean.
3. One of my favorite vacation spots is Eastbourne.
4. A kiss under a full moon.
5. Up, up and away to new waters.
6. Bananas should never have been boats.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to partying, tomorrow my plans include a hotel room and Sunday, I want to recover!

2010-06-25T08:00:00.001+01:00

She had been holding that pose for the last few hours. God my ass aches, she thought to herself. The heat of the lamp aiming at her made her skin bead with sweat. Scratchings of charcoal, the gentle blows of moist lips, filled the quiet room. The tutor, a slim, dark-skinned woman contrasted to her pure white shirt, floated around the room. She had stopped at one of the students, coaching on her line work. The bell outside the room tolls for the end of class, the tutor calls to the others 'Tomorrow, we will delve further into our study of Chiaroscuro.' The students left, leaving the model and the tutor alone in the spacious room. 'You did well, for a first timer.' 'Thank you, I was starting to ache holding that pose.' The model reached for her robe, but the tutor got there first. 'Here, let me.' she said, her voice tinged in seduction. The model stretched her arms behind her, her excitement growing. The tutor's breath touched her neck, sending chills down her spine. 'You are beautiful, wouldn't mind drawing you myself...' She trailed off, her hands sketching her models outline...

Two Conflicting Thoughts...

2010-06-20T00:34:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking. In all my time of working on things that needed doing in my life this year, I haven't got a clue as to where I'm going. Should I carry on this road that I am walking, or should I take the turn off? If let's say, for example, I take the sum of everything I have accomplished and compare it to what I hoped to have done, it just doesn't add up. Yes, I have vastly improved my love life, creating a network that rivals even Alex's impressive list, and yes, I have learned a lot more about myself, and yes, I am on track to completing my mission, but has it been enough? Back in September, I hoped that I would be doing what I wanted to be doing by now, a regular life with all the trimmings, but I haven't made it. Have I failed though? In my opinion, no I don't think so. I think that certain parts of my life are just taking longer than they should. Maybe it's the current state of affairs, maybe it's that the distractions of life (not sex mind) took more dominance than the more key elements that needed focus. Or, in all honesty, I'm getting lazy. Out of all that, a part of me is glad of the way things have turned out. I have found a passion to which I can actually stick to, and I have created a facet of my personality which fits in such a way that denounces a lot of my shortcomings. And in all that, there is that conflict. A part of me is saying that I have failed in my task, while another is saying that I have done done things which I wouldn't usually do, and that I should be proud of that.

The thing is, if I take a step back, I should really see both of these thoughts as correct. Yes, I have failed in what I originally set out, but I did all that and more. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard, and I should just think over the nice little session I had with Jen tonight. Mmm, that was a good session. at least a good hour of nothing more than pure sex. N o games, no whips (thank god), just good old straight sex. It is one worth remembering, and one I will share with you, after I have slept.

One more little thing before I retire. I have written up the next chapter of my Dark Angels work, and I will post it up in a couple of days. But until then, I shall sleep and dream on the nights sensations.

-.AA.-

Friday Fill-Ins!

2010-06-18T07:30:00.000+01:00

1. This is that bread which came down from heaven: not as your fathers did eat manna, and are dead: he that eateth of this bread shall live for ever. John 6:58.

2. It was the reason, of course, but can't a guy have some fun?

3. Justifying everything I do is something I no longer feel the need to do.

4. I have another errand to run, then I can get to your needs...

5. What do you mean it;s missing...just go find it

6. What were once vices are now pleasures of the past.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Harry, tomorrow my plans include curing Tiggsz' hangover and Sunday, I want to get Lydia!

Flash Fiction Friday!

2010-06-18T05:00:00.001+01:00

She leant back into the leather armchair, enjoying the coolness against her bare legs. Her partner was only moments away, and she was buzzing with the excitement of her little surprise. The fur coat she wore covered her naked skin in infinite warmth. She was going to enjoy this evening. She heard steps outside the door, the turning of a lock, the jangle of keys. He shuffles in, overcoat wrapped tightly against the Moscow cold. He fiddled with the buttons and the matching belt, hanging it loosely on the peg by the door. 'Anna my love, I'm ho...' he stops at the sight of his woman, wrapped in the chinchilla fur coat that she wore at almost every outing. Her legs, smooth and glistening in the winter sun, perched on the edge of his favourite arm-chair. 'Mikial, I'm glad your home.' She rises from the chair, coat sliding away from the front of her body. 'I hope you like what you see.' 'Well, as my old comrade would put it,' he threaded his hand through his greying hair, marvelling at the sight of the young lady in that thick, fur coat. 'the Iron Curtain has well and truly fallen.' She chuckles at the old world remark, and reached out for his belt...

Jen

2010-06-18T01:35:00.002+01:00

Right, now Jen is one of the six lovers that I have at the moment (what can I say, I like variety ;) ). I have been seeing her since November last year. a blonde, very leggy lass, never afraid to so how what she has got. She's one of those Uni girls, and true to form there is no limit in her sexual desires. I can think of one session that we had where she really went all out.

She gave me a call at about 2:30 on a warm, March afternoon, wanting to release some 'pent up horniness', as she calls it, and have a little smoke after. I agreed, and arranged to be at hers in about half an hour (I found out when I first met her, in a bar, as you do, that she lived just down the road from me in some decent student digs). I got there, a bit early, thankfully, and she greeted me at the door by throwing a leather noose around my neck, and pulling me in. I collided into the table in the hallway, breaking two of it's legs. She merely giggled, and said something about pulling a tad too hard. Then, the Dom inside her showed up. I never pegged her for this sort of game, but she was in her element. She threw orders at me, forcing me to strip down to nothing, whipping me with a cot-O-nine tails. I stood there seething at her, this isn't normally my sort of thing, I'm willing to participate if there are ground rules or something to the like, but not when it's jumped on me. She kept barking orders at me, like I was dog performing tricks for her. One order she gave was for me to lick every inch of her thigh-high boots. I hesitated, and she hit me again, drawing blood from my arm. The façade dropped, and she started apologising.

She barely got two words out. I grabbed her neck, swinging her into the bedroom door. I was shouting, having a go at her for depraving me in such a fashion. I can't remember what I said, except for one thing: 'You really want to play this game? Then I'll SHOW you how.' With that, I chucked her onto the bed. I ripped her bra and thong off, Jen screaming at me to stop I didn't listen, hell I didn't care. She had restraints set up, ready to bind me. I dragged her across the bed, shackling her her face down. I stood there, looking at Jen. She was struggling, trying to pull free from the restraints. Then, I felt the emotions coursing through my veins. Anger, so much anger was within me, yet equal to that was pleasure. It was so strong, I couldn't resist it's call.

I picked up the whip, studying it's design. Nine long strands, knotted in places, connected to a long, think, hard leather handle, with a large knot at it's base. Instantly, I knew what I was going to use it for. I went back to Jen, sliding my finger up her leg. She asked me what I was going to do. I merely said that I was going to make her scream. I could hear the fear in her voice, and pure malice in mine. It almost surprising to hear myself speak like this, this voice only awakens during times of extreme danger. Yet, this wasn't one of those times, they went a long time ago. I was confused, not understanding how such a beast that I had hoped was gone from my life to take over. And yet, like the most potent of drugs, I was completely under it's spell.

I glided my fingers down her back. She squirmed, touching every area that causes her so much pleasure. I circled her arse, tracing the side of her legs. I took the whip and brushed her cheeks. Jen struggled more, knowing what I was going to to her. Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Three lashes against her left cheek. Thwack! Three more against her right. She cried out at each one, her flesh visibly shaking. I out on another voice, one of sarcastic affection, and ridiculed her about her bum wriggling. I slid a finger down between her cheeks, deep red lines giving her skin a look of chaotic roads. I slid down, past her arse, and into the folds of her lips. I stroked her, bringing her body to the point of orgasm. I could hear her moans, her sounds obscured my the cotton sheets. I heckled her more, asking her if she was enjoying it. She moaned out a yes. I asked her if the whip was helping. She gave another forced yes. I smiled, knowing that I had succeeded in my mission. I climbed on top of her and asked in the most softest voice I could muster, a voice that melts her heart. I asked her: 'Do you want me to fuck you, my little slut?' She could only nod, my fingers pushing her past the edge. She screamed, a scream of a powerful orgasm, as I impaled her with my cock.

From there on in, I gave her what she craved. My erection penetrating her, filling her, pleasuring her. Came over and over, her screams waning in the afternoon glow. She begged for me to take of the cuffs, but I didn't. I just kept going, alternating between her cunt and her arse. I started to feel myself starting to reach my edge, so I stopped to take off the restraints. I laid down, and she climbed onto me guiding my throbbing cock into her pussy. She rolled her hips, tensing her muscles to bring me to my own, soul destroying orgasm. I collapsed, my anger, my emotions that fuelled this fire, spent from my dick, deep within my lover. I looked at her, her eyes mere centimetres away from mine, and all I could do in that moment, was smile...

-.AA.-

Wait A Minute...

2010-06-17T15:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, I went out for a little jaunt with Tiggsz, only into town to have a quiet drink. Thing is, she got a call. A group of guys she hangs round with normally are around, and asked her to meet up with them. I was going to head back home, I had Jen coming over (Jen is one I haven't said anything about yet, but I will do soon), but Tiggsz had other ideas. She literally dragged me to the local shop to pick up a bottle of vodka. She was buying, so I thought why not? A few people, a few drinks, might even get a bit lucky here. So I went along for a while. We met up with this group, mainly the sort of people who I wouldn't socialise with, but friendly enough. I got chatting to a few faces I knew from when Tiggsz brought certain elements of the group back to Chilton. A couple of them though, I didn't know. Two girls, Lydia and Kim, were two fresh out of college students, enjoy the good life, and pretty much everything else. Anyhow, I got chatting to them, and Lydia, who at first was the sweet, innocent type, confidently told me that she was an 'open, bisexual, poly'. I nearly choked, no, really I did. For some reason I always find the ones you least expect. I just had to grill her. She told me a hell of a lot about her sexuality. She told me, in the most intimate details, what she likes, what she doesn't, how 'open minded' she is, what she is willing to do with a lover...oooh, I wanted to take her there and then in the park we were in.

Kim, however, is the exact opposite. More reserved than Lydia, she the sort of girl that, when the situation arises, wants her new partner to be 'exclusive' to her. Shge also, apparently, not that experienced in the bedroom. Well, I hate to say it, but I am surprised. Kim has a body to die for. Olive skin, ample boobs, a gorgeous round bum, hour-glass-like figure, lovely legs. On top of all that, she has a wonderful head on her. And quite right too. She, unlike me or Lydia, takes more pride in her own sort of way, not in her sexuality. I have to admit, I respected that in her, better to have a head, than to have a bedpost.

Now, the afternoon wore on, and Kim was nigh on glued to me the whole time. Not that I didn't mind. She does seem a nice girl, but I couldn't do what I do with her, I can see the complications from here. Later on, when the vodka died and the wind picked up, Tiggsz and I said our goodbyes, Lydia giving me a very hinted kiss to the lips, Kim giving me hug which felt like a vice, and we left for home. That evening, Lydia added me on Facebook, and we resumed the sex chat. for a good hour, we teased and flirted each other to death. It got to a point where I literally said 'fuck it, do you fancy meeting up sometime for a bit of fun?' All I got was a wink back. I hope that means a yes, because by god, I think I found a kindred spirit.

After that hour of intense conversation, we went to bed. Then both Aimee and Sonia contacted me to talk. Aimee, who has for the past day or two, been away in the Cotwolds out West, told me that she is planning to move out there with her father. Damn, I had a small feeling that she may head out there, but I didn't know it would be a permanent move. Sonia is leaving as well, she is going to head out to Leeds to be with her boyfriend. I couldn't believe it. The two girls I would drop all the others for, and they are both going away. How did I feel? Pretty pissed, to be absolutely honest with you. But, there is nothing that I can do about it, they have made their choices, I have to accept that and move on.

So, I had an eventful day yesterday, met a couple of gorgeous girls, and found out I'm going top lose a couple of close friends, and their regular company. An up and down day, but oh well, some you win, some you lose.

-.AA.-

A Thought Worth Knowing...

2010-06-15T19:10:00.004+01:00

Out of everything you know, out of everything you learn, out of everything you experience, there is only your truth, and that is all that matters..

Sighs...

2010-06-15T01:10:00.000+01:00

OK...I'm not gonna lie to you. Right now, in my life, there are two people who I really want to say something to them. One of them is Sonia, a girl who I have known since I was...what? Thirteen? Anyway, I have held a candle to her for a long time now, and she knows this. God, we've tried before, but never really got off the ground, that's why we are 'FWB' at the moment. The other is Aimee. I've known, no, lived, with this girl for nigh on a year now, and I really want to tell her, but...I don't know, from the offset, she told she wouldn't get with anyone she lives with because of past experiences...still, we have a very close relationship, almost to the point where we nearly said 'fuck it' and done the deed there and then. But we didn't. Our moral values stopped us from it. Sometimes I wish it didn't. I was with her earlier tonight, we were so close together, I could almost feel her breath when she spoke to me. It sent chills down my spine. She has this thing of moulding herself against me when we are together, and it just makes me want to jump on her and do all sorts to her...god, the thought of her makes me want to take that trip...Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's just me being silly about it all. If anything, the one thing I am least experienced at is relationships. I have mountains of experience when it comes to other things...like sex, for an obvious example, just when it comes down to the relationship thing...maybe it's just my young side, unsure on rocky ground,or maybe because of my ex that I am cautious on relationships. I haven't had one since her...*sighs* well, I know I'm gonna say something to one of them soon. I can't stay silent on it for much longer. I hate holding secrets for too long. But who do I talk to? Aimee, or Sonia? The old flame, or the one who I share a roof with? Or should I just let things lie, and move on?

Hmm...I'm rambling again. O well, better out than in, I suppose...god, I hope Tiggsz don't see this, she is close to Aimee...

Disobedience

2010-06-14T19:50:00.001+01:00

He twirled the knife through his fingers, staring at the beauty tied to his bed. She squirmed at the site of his imposing figure, afraid at what he was going to do with the blade spinning menacingly around his fingers. He reached out with his one free hand, caressing her naked body, swirling his fingers against her pale skin.

'Child, you have disobeyed me again, you know what that means, don't you?'

She trembled at those words, she knew what it meant, that's why she disobeyed her master. He pressed the flat of the blade to her stomach.

'This time, since your disobedience has caused much embarresment to me, I am not going to administer the punishment,' her eyes went wild. 'Instead, I am going to let my friend show you what it means for embarassment to come upon you.' He turns to the door and calls out. 'My Lady, it is time.'

A woman, tall, lithe, almost elf-like, walked in. Dull, black leather encased her slimline form. A whip, nine knotted leather strands tied to a snakeskin handle, fluttered menacingly with each step. The Lady stared at the tied victim with an almost bloodthirsty lust.

'Is this the disobedient one?'

'Yes, my Lady, and as you can she, she is ready for you to exact her punishment.'

'Good.'

She unclasped the whip from her side, gliding it over the young girl's skin.

'You shall not speak, you will not resist, if you do, the pain will become worse. Do I make myself clear?'

The girl, visibly shaken at her new Mistress, nods her head.

'Very well,'

The Lady brings the whip to bear, lashing at the thighs and arms. Her victim writhed in pain, fighting hard not to scream, not out of pain, but out of pleasure. She could feel herself wanting the lashings, craving the sensations it brings. Six more lashings came down onto her, each leaving their mark.

'Turn her around, my young Errant.'

'Yes, my Lady.'

He unclasps the shackles from her wrists and ankles, deftly twisting her body until the as yet untouched skin was exposed. The shackles went back on, a little tighter than before. Face down, she couldn't tell when the nine strands will come, making her contemplate the what would come next. She could here whispering, too low for her to hear. A sliding sound, like a box being dragged across the floor. More movement at the foot of the bed, then a cold wetness sprays around her most intimate area. She knew what was coming, and she wanted it more.

'Errant, if I may.'

The Errant handed the Lady a long, thick rubber toy. She stared at it for a moment, admiring it's beauty. SHe knew what such a toy could bring, and almost chuckled at the thought.

'It is time.' the Lady murmured.

She Never Found me, I Found Her...

2010-06-11T22:55:00.001+01:00

Around a year ago, I started up this little blog, mainly as a way to cope with my world. As a source of freedom and a chance to truly speak my mind, It gave me a chance to keep my own 'sanity' as it were. It worked wonders for me, and so I kept it going. Well, one night browsing through random blogs, I came across her site. The first post I saw made my heart jump. She was the first person I found online whose stories gave me a different understanding to all things sex. I must admit, I am the sensual type, but she put that sensuality on a whole different level. So, like anyone with an idea, I subscribed to her blog. Each post she put up made me smile, think, and give me ideas. Though, regrettably, I never had the courage to say 'Hey, I like your blog!' But, never-the-less, I kept reading. Now, I'm not entirely sure when, but I made the first move, though with a certain subtleness to it. A comment here, a reply to her musing on Twitter there. Slowly, we started having more and more contact with each other. It wasn't until recently she found my own blog though, I believe it was because of a post I made on Twitter, linking to a blog post I made. She made a comment on it, and then...well, as they say, the rest is history.

So, Gray my darling, thank you for sharing your stories, and giving me the inspiration, and courage, to write what I write.

If you are lucky enough to have come to my humble blog through Gray's, then I welcome you, and I hope that you enjoy my thoughts...

-.AA.-

Tiggsz' Sexual Adventures...Part 1....

2010-06-11T12:01:00.002+01:00

it all started as i walked through the front door him in his jeans and her in his t shirt. we went upstairs listened to some music, he went out and came back with liquor, we drank wine and things got heated he said " go on girls i know you want to" she came over to me a kissed me.he came over too and we shared a passionate 3 way kiss and things got even more heated we undressed and as he climbed on top of her she pulled me in closer and kissed me and then slid her hand down my boxers and started playing with me clit teasing me, she then slid her fingers inside me making me extremely wet. we then swapped and i climbed on top of him and made him cum so hard whilst i was riding him i had slid my fingers into her giving her a multiple orgasms. we fooled around some more then he had to give up so us girls carried on and gave him an impressive show then we all layed there and cuddled and fell asleep in each others arms. Tiggsz

Friday Fill-Ins!

2010-06-11T11:24:00.001+01:00

1. A certain touch feels great.
2. The solution is always there.
3. Not a lot makes me fall asleep.
4. How about I be quiet now?.
5. A full body massage is something I highly recommend!
6. Imagine finding that one answer to a question you've always been asking.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Sonia, tomorrow my plans include nothing, I ain't thought that fair ahead yet, and Sunday, I want to do something!

Flash Fiction Friday!

2010-06-11T11:10:00.014+01:00

He watched as the two lovers embrace after their act. He was jealous of them, enjoying every inch of pleasure they get. Jealous of their bodies, their connection, their intamacy. He could feel himself harden at the sight of the young man lowering himself onto his wife. Oh, my wife. He wished he could give her the pleasure she desires, and yet, as she writhed in pleasure, he couldn't help but smile. At least I know something she doesn't. He closes the door, and turns to the blonde standing next to him. He presses a finger to her lips, feeling his way down. A gasp from behind turns him around. She is there...

Thanks to Panserbjørne for this week's Flash Fiction Friday!

Random Fantasy Thought...

2010-06-10T16:46:00.000+01:00

He reached for the phone, vibrating it's way off the side of the table. It was her. A smile crept across his lips, thoughts of the last tie playing across his mind. The message asked him if he was free at that moment. He replies with a simplistic 'no'. Two minutes later, a knock at the door.Through the eyepiece, he see's a wisp of golden hair, sheltered by the hood of it's owner. His heart wanted to leap then and there, he knew it would be soon. He opens the door to his 'guest'. She steps in from the darkness, fire playing across those grey eyes. She said not a single word, merely brushing past him, her finger sliding over the bulge within his jeans. She walks into the living room, lowering the zip of her jacket. He would only look on, he knew the they were playing. He knew she would punish him if he made a single move, even closing the door would call for the crop. He could only watch her slide the leather gracefully over her shoulders, revealing nothing but bare skin. She turns, throwing her jacket aside. He could not move. His heart wanted her, to envelope her body within his arms, but that crop, that crop that played and teased the skin of her arms and chest, biting and breaking the skin of his. She walks to him, heels clicking on the floor. She casts the crop aside, watching his startled reaction.

"You, my love, have been patient long enough..." were her only words to her. It was all he needed...

One 21st Birthday Later...

2010-06-07T13:10:00.000+01:00

Hey all, it's been a while! lol As you can probably tell from that alone I'm in a good mood, and I should be! The last four days have been a blur, to say the least. I have turned 21 this year, and, in true celebration style, have forgotten a lot of it. Thursday, the actual day, the morning was a torrent of Facebook messages, texts, emails, phone calls, and getting jump-hugged by Aimee and Toni on the staircase. I met up with a few people over the day, mainly Sonia, and our mutual mate Izzy, Chrissi popped up, almost on accident, and I met up with Nicole, a girl from my College days. I met up with the family later on in the day, mum providing a spread that I thought, no wished her, not to worry over. I was going to order curry, but then she pulled out all the stops, making pretty much everything I love in food form, minus a jar of chocolate spread (any guesses why I like that one ;)). I shared a few drinks with my mum and step-dad Neil, as well as my Grandad. Then I went home and shared a few joints with Stephen.

Next day, I had a few more lovers over, Sonia among them, then went out with my good mate Bodi for a few drinks. We had a good crawl, taking in as much alcohol as I could manage, when I stumbled home that night, a few bruises here and there, I was offered a line or two, as a birthday gift. I had to decline, don't touch coke, not any more...still the rest of the night went well, though I was a step away from pulling Aimee aside and telling her how I felt. That was a close call, there were about ten people in the back garden that night, and doing a thing like that gets the old rumour mill going. I retired that night in a good mood.

Saturday, now there was legend written all over the place that night. I went Central London that night, Sonia, Aimee, Stephen, Bodi, plus a few others that they brought along. I can't remember a lot from that night, except walking into the club. After that, I wake up in my bed the following morning, covered in bruises from the neck downwards. I know where a few of them come from, I get a bit clumsy when intoxicated, but the rest, god only knows.

Sunday I spent the whole day going through a few vids I picked up on my iPod. most of them you could barely make out, but one of them was a short, five second thing with mine and Aimee's lips locked. Oh fuck. I didn't know about that. I didn't see her that day. And I haven't seen her today either. Hopefully, she may have forgotten. I don't want to confuse her love life even more. The girl has enough on her plate.

With all things considered, it has been a legendary weekend. So now, time to pick up from where I left off...

Until next time!

-.AA.-

Friday Fill-Ins!

2010-06-04T21:06:00.000+01:00

1. Eastbourne is my favorite place to travel to.
2. When I think about my childhood, I often remember the chase.
3. Random company makes for a good friend.
4. The wind in the trees, the rain on my skin, the feel of her on my neck.
5. "It" is so exciting!
6. My best friend knows too much of the shit I want hidden.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to chilling, tomorrow my plans include getting slaughtered and Sunday, I want to get over my hangover!

2010-06-02T08:00:00.000+01:00

The Reason For My Good Mood At This Early Hour...

2010-05-30T07:11:00.000+01:00

I have recently had a mind blowing foursome with Harry, his girlfriend, her best mate, and myself. It was a... spontaneous decision. I was doing my usual late night sessions on Facebook, and Harry pops up on chat. At first it's niceties, the normal hello's, how are you's and such until he drops in the most random question that I have ever had online. "Do you wanna meet for some fun with my girl and her mate?" I, off all things, took a step back. Jesus, he must of said something now, so I asked. "Yeah, she knows." "I take it it's her idea?" "No, her mate's." uh-huh. "OK...where are we gonna meet?" "My place."

Shit. I wasn't expecting this, to be honest I wasn't prepared for it. So, picking up my keys and the usual crap I carry when out, I head to his. On the way, I was thinking if this was a joke, some prank on his behalf, he has pulled that on people from time to time. It wasn't. AS soon as I knocked on the door, I was being snogged by his Tammy's, Harry's girl's, mate Rachel. She intro'd herself, and pulled me into the living room, where Harry and Tammy were waiting. Tammy slapped me when she saw me, then kissed me. She said she didn't like the fact that I condoned his actions, but liked the fact I kept him right. I had to stop everything for a moment (Rachel was starting to kiss Harry, I was guessing that this sort of thing happened before), and asked if this was for real. Harry merely said "Yes." Alright then, I thought, who shall I have first...

This was my first four-way, and I have never felt so euphoric, no erotic, in my life. To feel Harry between my thighs, while Tammy's legs were wrapped around my face, was something else. Of course, toys were involved. We experimented with different positions, Harry having a vibe inside his arse while I devoured his cock. Tammy writhed in pleasure as I thrusted into her pussy, Rachel feeding a thick, black dildo into her other hole. Stepping back while Rachel and Tammy, played with each other, Harry walking around, taking every angle of the events unfolding in front of us. Having Rachel against the wall, never slowing, never stopping. Harry taking a vibe to me, while feeding his own in as well. It all felt so natural. To be played with, to see a blond and a brunette fighting over my dick. To have Harry explode all over me, and to have both girls lick their way around my body...To have three gleaming holes wanting me to pleasure them. To cum over the faces of all three, damn I have never came so hard in my life...

It was the most intense sex session I have had in a long while, and I gave Harry a text, thanking him for the unexpected fun. He said to me: "No problem, maybe we could all do it again sometime." Oh I hope so Harry, I hope so...

Friday Fill Ins!

2010-05-28T13:17:00.001+01:00

1. Strawberries -- the best food to take on a picnic.
2. Summer loving ;).
3. I bloody hate flip flops.

4. To love someone is to understand them.
5. There is nothing better than a long hike.
6. When I crave food, it's usually cheddar (I don't know why, I just love cheese!).
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to meeting an old friend, tomorrow my plans include total, self-indulgent laziness and Sunday, I want to have some fun!

Enjoy this week's Friday Fill-In's! (Thanks Janet!)

The Feeling...

2010-05-25T21:19:00.001+01:00

I'm getting bored. I'm getting bored with life, the people around me, the things that I normally take great pleasure in (with the exception of sex, that is my only saving grace...), all of it is starting to get...well, dull. It starting to look like I need a change of pace, a change of scenery even, and I know that the little getaway I have planned with Aimee ain't going to be enough. These four beige walls are starting to close in a little bit. It ain't too bad at the moment, but with all things considered...

I'm starting to feel like how I was when I first started this blog over a year ago, all down trodden and weary. Weary, what a word to put up. I feel old again, as old as the trees that line my road. One of the guys from the hostel, not sure who, I was pretty bladdered by that point, said to me that all I needed was a pipe and a pair of slippers and I'll be sorted. Yeah, like I want to make a career in armchair relaxing and a spot of tea and crumpets on a Thursday afternoon. I need the inspiration to feel young again. Damn, I'm twenty one next week, and I feel ready to pick out my favourite coffin! Hell, maybe I just need a kick in the backside or something. If only I could find that spark to light my life up again, maybe that could be the thing that I need. Who knows. I am told that I will get my life on course, and I hope that I do, but this journey has taken it's toll on me to no end. I still keep going, pushing as hard as I can, yet I do it without that old edge I used to have a long time ago.

Maybe I'll figure it out, but for now, I need to get something going. God knows what though. Any ideas people?

Modern Warfare 2 - Amazing Knife Throw

2010-05-24T22:42:00.001+01:00

I'll tell you what, this video actually made my jaw drop! I love Call of Duty 2, and that is a nigh on impossible throw...

Oh The Heat...

2010-05-24T16:47:00.000+01:00

This past weekend has been nigh on unbearable! This heat has fried me, both on the skin and in the head, I can barely think little lone act...but, with all things, it should pass soon. With that in mind, I have some part exciting, part interesting news. Aimee, the girl whose bed is above my head each night, has had a bust up with some guy who has been messing her around recently. She came to me in tears, shaking pretty badly. I sat her down on my bed and held her. I knew it was what she needed. She let it all out, each and every last tear soaking through my tee. Her shaking had stopped, feeling safe in my arms. She started to speak, telling me about her situation. I said nothing, allowing her to flow through with her problems. Her monologue was punctuated with her screams. Deep, primal, angry screams. They hurt the ear, but they excited me in other ways. Now, I care about Aimee, she is probably one of the most level headed people in Chilton, but I could never sleep with her. We are too close as mates to do that. Now, with her let out her anger, I sorted her a cuppa and offered her a smoke. We sat there for a while, going over the events, helping her make sense to all of it. Now, I don't know who this guy was until I heard his tag name. Beserk. Cue a flashback of him with one of my ex-girlfriends. He was known as a serial sex maniac in my old area. I told her straight what I knew, and thought of him. She just shrugged. She thought as much.

Aimee went on about getting away for a few days, somewhere out the way to clear the head a bit. I made the suggestion of Eastbourne. My Great-Grandma owns a flat there, and she allows the grand kids and the great-grand kids to rent it out if we wanted. I had the email with the details to hand so I told Aimee the essentials. She sounded interested, and asked if friends were allowed into the flat. I told her no, because there has to be at least one member of the family in the household while it's being rented. SO it meant I had to be there. Aimee, surprisingly, didn't mind. So we got thinking about it. When would we go? Could we have the funds for it? How would we get there? How long for? We managed to answer those questions with a few phone calls and several scraps of paper. I sent an email down to my Great-Grandma, asking if I could book it for the days we wanted. I got an answer after about ten minutes. It was a yes, plus, as it was my birthday coming up, we got it for nothing. I thought excellent! Aimee became much brighter after that, and left my room shortly after with a spring in her step. That made me happy beyond belief, to see a friend be happy with the things to come.

So, we will be leaving on the 7th June, giving us two plenty of time to sort our stuff out and get everything else sorted. To be honest, I am a little apprehensive about it. We're planning to buy alcohol for the getaway, which means my mouth will run faster than Usain Bolt on speed. I just hope that I won't say anything too out of order, or too deep, to Aimee. I can't expose my true feelings for her, as I don't want to damage our relationship. But, I don't know what will happen, so I best brace myself for any coming storm that may approach.

Moans...

2010-05-22T00:25:00.001+01:00

Right, I'm having a moan now. Alex, one of the guys I live with, has his new girlfriend over. And what do young lovers do in the middle of the night? Scream until everyone in the knows they are fucking! God damn, I have never such screamers in my life before! They really do take the piss in terms of sex noises. It's like every five, maybe ten seconds, all i hear is the rhythmic banging of his bed, her moans of pleasure, that wet slap of skin to skin, all of it combining into one major headache. I know I'm not one to complain, I can let out a moan of pleasure as loud as anyone, but they win the prize for it! I may just have to have a word or two him (though saying that, if i did walk in that room, with the handy master key I own, I'll get a good kicking!), but I think I'll leave that to the morning.

OK. Moan over, now for some ramblings. I am put up something which I wrote a while ago, tyet never had the chance to post it up, until now. So, without further ado, here it comes.

I love cock. Bold, I know, but, for all it's worth, I love it more than pussy. Don't get me wrong, I love pussy as much as the next man, but I just love cock. In my arse, in my mouth, it feels so GOOD. My lover, Harry, fucked me so hard the other night, I was in really bad pain, but I took so much pleasure out of it, I couldn't give a damn. His dick, long, thick, and slightly curved, felt like it was going to rip me apart, and that's what I love about sleeping with men. I can 'relate' to the pleasure they get from me giving them my cock. I know it, felt, derived pleasure from it, so it gives me a higher level of pleasure on top of what I get. Sounds a bit greedy, but think about it. Sex with women is a completely different pleasure to sex sex with men. You sleep with a woman, and you take that pleasure like it's worth more than gold, but take a man in your bed, and it gets, FEELS, more personal. I can't really explain it, guess I am a bit young still ;).

Now, I am quite experienced in the pleasures of men, but my lover Harry, I am his first. Bless him, he tries so hard. Like I said before, I didn't know he was bi when I met him. Then, around Christmas last year, he come out to me, wanting to explore this side of sex. We've been meeting up regulary since, and I hate to say it, but I've grown fond of him. I like sharing my bed with him, he has a way about him, the way he holds himself. Full of it, but is oh-so-vulnerable. I love it when he lets me lead, then gets caught up in the the euphoria of it all and takes control. It gives me so much pleasure knowing I gave him this chance to do it. Ooh, I need to change the subject, I'm getting excited just thinking about him.

So, now I need to find some sleep (or a way to help ;)) and I shall post soon.

Until then.

-.AA.-

Friday Fill Ins!

2010-05-21T20:54:00.003+01:00

1. A morning coffee never fails to make me smile.
2. I'm looking forward to my 21st!!.
3. The sounds of house and garden work is what I'm listening to right now.
4. Potato salad must have mayonnaise in it!
5. Stephen's special pasta was the best thing I ate today.
6. Today was pretty damn tiresome.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a good film, tomorrow my plans include relaxation and Sunday, I want to have Parris over!

I'll tell you what, this Friday Fill-In thing ain't half bad, I'll think I'll carry this on...

Head over to Janet's sweet little site for more Friday Fill-Ins!

Right...

2010-05-19T18:39:00.000+01:00

As you may have noticed, the last three-out-of-four posts that i have put up recently have been about my life a good few years ago. The main reason behind this is that Vicky, bless her, once told me that if I could set my mind to it, I could write a damn good book. Taking that to heart, I decided to start writing up the most important part of my life, my time with the Dark Angels. I posted the first three chapters (Birth to Dark Angels, Two Weeks On, and Running A Job), and now I want to know if I should carry on posting them in between my usual ramblings, or save the rest. What do you guys think? Let me know and I'll take a vote he he ;)

Elsewhere in my life, things have improved somewhat. Sonia has creeped back into my life, and for the past two days, we have been locked in my bedroom doing...well, pretty much anything. That's what I like about Sonia, always up for a laugh, always ready to explore things. She had been keeping herself busy at uni while I toiled away with my life. She met a guy out there, but it didn't work out. It's a shame, she needs someone closer to her, sometimes I do wish it was me though...

Zoe has gone, Leigh found out about Toni and her, causing all sorts of shit to blow up. Not looking for any implications into the affair, I broke things up between us. That being said, we still talk intimately on a regular basis, and I know she has been hinting at a possible meet-up. I won't go there though, the girl, regardless of the history between us, I just don't want the drama. Too much hassle for what is a fling.

I have been seeing Harry a lot more frequently recently. He is really getting into his own now. I'm glad he has coming to terms with his sexuality. I'm also glad that I could help him explore it. I may have said this before but, well, sod it. It's nice to see a jack-the-lad be in a vulnerable situation like that. It can be a bit humbling at times though, to see such a thing. Maybe I'm just too used to used to being with more confident men.

Life has Chilton, on the other hand, has gone downhill a bit. The staff have started clamping down on us, taking a few choice manoeuvres. I found Fie stalking the house at 11pm the other night. Scared the shit out of me. The place stunk of weed, and even though everyone in the house was out of it, including me, we all denied it. Fie was not impressed with us, but it shook us out of our comfort zone. We have all taken to going out of the property now, regardless of whether or not it's a joint, or a simple cigarette. At least we have the block of private flats round the corner, a nice little place, quite well sheltered, and quiet, you could hear a pin drop at the other end of the car park.

The guys of the house are alright. Stephen had a little bother with his finances, but he's managed to clear it up, and make a bit of cash on top. He's found himself a girl now, a nice Polish lass called Monica. He sees her nigh-on everyday. He's still meeting up with other girls though, but his relationship with Monica is along the lines of 'friends with benefits', so you can imagine what I have to block out half the time ;)

Dee, well, she's her own situation. Me and her had an intimate conversation over a smoke one evening, and she told me that she pines over her ex, who still sees her regularly. Bless her heart, chasing a guy who has admitted to her that he doesn't love her back. Ruel, the ex, is a decent bloke, but he's just not in wanting for the relationship that Dee wants. It seems almost a shame. She is such a nice person at heart, no matter the bravado.

Toni is still trying to find a way to sort herself out. In the last three weeks, she has changed her mind about all-sorts. She went girly dress mode, exercise regime, healthy eating, all went from promising starts to 'can't be arsed' ends. The girl has potential, just not the drive to step up to the plate. I don't think she will get very fer in her college course as well. I find it a shame. A glorious failure.

Aims is...god, I don't actually know what she is up to these days. All I know is that she has going out nearly every day with her mates Jade, Scott and Vic. A nice lot, but too much on the drugs. They smoke at least two ounces a day! How they can stand I do not know...

Taking into account all that has happened these last few months, I think I am better for it all. Yes, there was drama, yes, there was loss, and yes, there were good times, but I reckon I am on course again, back to how I was three/four ago, and I'm proud of that. I've done a lot recently (oh yeah, I'm thinking of joining the navy, but not for a long while yet, need to get fit first before anything), so I can say that I have turned my life around, and I can NOT wait for the day that everything in my life is in place, and that my heart can say at last: I am at peace.

-.AA.-

Running A Job

2010-05-17T14:23:00.003+01:00

I reached Intel's flat about thirty minutes before the time he asked. I waited around a bit, smoking a cigarette (I bought a pack of tailor-made smokes since I cleaned out the pouch of rolling tobacco I had that day), listening to the radio. I buzzed Intel's flat on the panel by the door. Intel picked up.

“That you Az?”

“Yeah it's me.” He buzzed me through, the lock on the door in front of me clicking open.

Intel was a shady little character. He got his name due to his network of contacts all around the borough, plus he was good at tracking. Word had it his father was ex-SAS, so it didn't surprise me that his senses were tuned so highly. He never said much when the group was together, speaking only when he needed to, normally about some trouble that's gone down.

I reached the door to his flat, three floors up the block. He had left it open, something he rarely does. Must be busy, I thought to myself when I crossed the threshold.

“Intel?” I called out.

“In the living room, Az.” Came his reply. I found him hunched over the coffee table, tapping at his laptop. “You're early, mate.”

“I know, I always am.”

“True that.”

“So, what's your problem?”

He turns around in his seat. “Earlier today, I got a call from a friend of mine in Ruislip, he has been saying that he's got a load of gear to shift, and that he needs help from us.”

“What sort of gear?”

“Hardware, mainly tools, and few bags of grade on top.”

“If that's all, then why call us?”

“Because it's hot.” Here we go, I thought. We get to play mule to some fucker who's done a raid out there, and somehow slipped up.

“Is this a favour, or a job?”

“A job, of course. He wants us to meet up with him at Hare's Field, you know the park opposite the pub?”

“Yeah I know the place.”

“Good, go grab a few blades from the kitchen, just in case something goes wrong.” I went into the kitchen, picking up the big ones out of the pot. “Oh, and grab a beer for me please, you can have one too.” I pulled two beers from the fridge, cracking them open with the bottle opener on my key chain. I head back into the living room, and set the blades down on the table. I passed Intel his beer and took a seat next to him.

We waited for a good couple of hours, not really saying a lot. I was texting K, swapping steamy messages about what we want to do to each other when we would be alone next. Intel was still on his laptop, feverishly tapping away at the keyboard. He was working on some Word document, I didn't know what it was about. I checked the time on the clock. It was 10:30pm, well into the evening.

“When is this guy going to ring?” I asked Intel.

“He said that he will ring when he gets there, he didn't say anything about what time though.”

“Oh, OK then.” I was getting bored, plus the texts from Lady K were giving me the horn. Five minutes later, the call came through. Intel spoke on the phone for a few minutes, then clicked out.

“It's time mate.” He said to me. We headed out to the car, an old 205. Intel had the engine tweaked to give it an extra push. We made our way to Hare's Field in relatively light traffic, so progress was quick. We got to the park where we arranged to meet. Intel called him on the phone. After a quick conversation, he hung up.

“Come, let's move.” Intel said. We got out of the car, and walked into the field. Something didn't feel right, I thought, yet as with all things like this, I'm always a bit paranoid. We found the guy on the far side of the field, near a clump of bushes.

“Charlie, how are ya?” Intel said to the guy.

“I'm alright, just need top get this gear moved. Who's this guy?”

“The name's Azrael mate.” I replied.

“Uh-huh, OK.”

“Where's the gear Charlie?” Intel popped in.

“In the bag, Intel.” Charlie chucks the bag to Intel, who goes through it. He frowns slightly, pulling out a hammer from the backpack.

“Mate, this hammer's stained. You didn't tell me that it was used.” Intel said.

“I didn't think I needed to, I just thought you wanted to know what was in it, not if it was used.” Charlie responded.

“Well, it's gonna cost you extra Charlie, otherwise I ain't doing it.”

“What the fuck do you mean by that?”

“£100 extra, or the deal is off.”

“Fuck off! I ain't doing that! That would mean £500 I would have to pay!”

“Take it or leave it mate, or we walk.”

“Oh, fine then.” He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, counting out the notes. He offers it to Intel, who refuses.

“Give it to Az, he's holding it.” I take the cash, and stash it in an inside pocket.

“Sweet, now we are off mate, watch yourself Charlie.” Intel said.

“Alright then, see you about mate. Safe Azrael.”

“Safe mate.” I replied.

We broke off in different directions, Charlie heading towards the bus stop, us towards the car. Even though the deal was done, I still felt uneasy about my surroundings, and I was right. A brick flew into Intel's face, knocking him out. I look round, and I see three guys running up. I pull out the blades I was carrying, shouting at Intel to get up. He wasn't responding.

“Ah fuck it!” I shouted. “Come on you cunts!” The first one reached me, a screwdriver in his right hand. I dodged his swing, slashing at his leg. I missed, so I turned around and stabbed his stomach. The guy fell, a yelp of pain escaping his lips. The others reached me at the same time, one had a brick, the other a thin pole. I blocked the brick, pain searing up my arm. The thwack of the pole stung my back. I kicked out, connecting with the pole-wielder's shin. I head butted the other guy with the brick, and swung at his neck. I connected this time, and blood seeped from the gash. He stumbled back, desperately trying to hold the wound. I turned around to face my other opponent, who had grabbed the screwdriver from his fallen comrade. He threw the pole at me, missing me by an inch, and charged at me. I dodged him, and plunged the blade into his back. I felt the blade, which was a chef's knife, hit bone. He fell, screaming in pain.

I picked up Intel, who was still unconscious, and dragged him to the car. I threw him in the passenger seat, pulling his keys from his jacket. I jumped into the driver's seat, starting up the engine. I pulled away from the park, and drove down towards the estate. I got out my phone, pulling up Jimmy's number. It rang, then he picked up.

“Hey, Az, what's up?”

“Jim, shit's kicked off mate, Intel is in a bad way, I'm heading to yours now.”

“Kicked off? What the fuck has been going on?”

“Intel arranged a job, and asked me to come along with him. The deal went fine, but we got jumped on the way back to the car. He got a brick to the face, and I got hit a few times.”

“What about the guys that jumped you?”

“I dealt with them, what else could I do?”

“Ah shit. Alright, get to mine, I'll call K to get her arse over here.”

“OK, I'll see you in a bit.”

The drive over took around ten, maybe fifteen minutes, reaching Jimmy's around the same time as Lady K did. Intel was still under, blood dripping from his nose, which looked shattered. K helped me get him inside. Jimmy opened his door, letting us through. He took the car keys from me, so he could get the car in the drive. I laid Intel over the dining table, K started working on his face. His nose was broken, so K set it straight. That woke Intel up.

“AHH! What the fuck was...how the fuck...what happened Az?”

“We got jumped Intel. You took a brick to the face. I dealt with the guys that attacked us.”

“You see Charlie anywhere?”

“No, last I saw him, he was heading to a bus stop.”

“OK. Ah fuck it woman! Watch your hands!”

“Sorry Intel,” K said. “Let me patch this up, and you should be good.”

“OK, thanks.”

“Don't mention it.”

I headed into the living room, and sat with Jimmy. He started questioning me about what the deal was. I explained the deal, showing him the cash I was given by Charlie.

“Damn, £500?! just for the gear?”

“Yeah, and it's disposal, by the sounds of it.”

“Sounds about right, I'm surprised Intel took you out with that one, he normally has Tame or Shade with him on those jobs.”

“Guess it was my lucky day then mate.” Jimmy laughed at that.

“Come Az, let's get you a beer.”

We went into the kitchen, the sounds of K working on Intel's nose being heard clearly. Damn, I never heard so many sexist things being said in a space of ten minutes. K stayed silent, trying her hardest to fix that nose. Jimmy grabbed two beers from the fridge, throwing me one. I took it, opened it, and drank deeply. I needed it, the adrenaline in my body was giving me the shakes. I went over to the toilet to have a look at my back. Angry red marks covered the middle of it. I had to swear, I felt the pain from the wounds for the first time since the attack. Gonna have to get K to look at that, I thought to myself.

“You OK in there, Az?” I heard Jimmy call out to me.

“Yeah I'm fine,” I replied. I noticed that Intel's shouting had stopped. “Everything OK in there?”

“Yeah, he's patched up now, need anything looked at?” Lady K said.

“Erm...nah, I'm alright.”

I headed back out to the kitchen, the other three already there. Intel held out his bottle. “Thank you, mate, I'm glad I called you now.”

I clinked my bottle with his. “It's alright Intel, shit happens.”

“Sweet, do you have the cash?” Intel gingerly touches his nose.

“Yeah,” I said, chucking the wad of notes on the table. “So now what?”

“Well, Intel will do his usual dumping run later on, but for now, who fancies a curry?” Jimmy said. Trust him to come up with that. That night ended quietly, mainly conversation on the night's events being the main theme. Later, we found out who jumped us in the field that night. Some minor crew that, apparently, attacks anyone they don't recognise. Usual younger attitude to people. This little incident, though, did shed some light on the state of play at home. Rumour was that several of the younger elements of the area were going far beyond what the likes of us would do normally. Attacks on the elderly and random house raids were becoming commonplace. That piece of information alone worried me. Those in my generation did a lot to get things into some natural order, now 'Renegades', as Tame affectionately called them, were abusing that. Still, at least there were distractions to it, like my relationship to K, for instance. Things got intense between quite quickly, so it isn't hard imagine what happened between us. Nearly a month passes almost without incident, with the exception of Arch and Kane getting arrested while out on the tiles one night. Apparently, Kane started arguing with some random bloke over a drink, and Arch jumped in, then they started fighting. Cue the police. They got slapped on the wrists for it and moved on. A month on, and things took a turn for the worse.

hehe

2010-04-21T13:02:00.001+01:00

Now I have a guilty pleasure, and that is Warhammer. I love it to bits. The simplicity of tabletop warefare makes for a intresting experience. I found this picture on Fukung.net, and I couldn't help but post it up for you lot.

I'll see you about.

-.AA.-

View more awesome pictures at fukung.net

Two Weeks On...

2010-04-21T03:46:00.003+01:00

Two weeks later, my role within the crew was quickly decided. Since I had no commitments, in a sense, I was glued to Jimmy's side. That was fine with me, he supplied me with whatever I needed. Whether it would be smokes, drugs or alcohol, I had a constant supply. In a way I didn't like using him like this, but he pushed my objections away.

“Your are valued to me, Az. I have to make sure you're in good nick, eh?”

I wasn't entirely sure of what he meant by that. If he wanted me in good nick, why didn't he cut the line? I mean, my intake of the stuff should destroy me, constantly consuming more than enough alcohol to kill a horse in a week. Still, didn't mean that it was all fun and games. We had shit to deal with. There had been a lot of...disturbances lately, and that concerned me. My area was a quiet one, at best, things only flared up the summer months. It was November, and a cold one at that.

“Fiends never sleep.” That was Tetron's motto. I think he was a bit of a philosopher, always coming with a quote or two at random moments. Tetron. He was a wizened old fool, in my opinion, always with the quotes, always on the scotch. He reminded me of a pissed monk, at times. I remember the old priest I see on school trips to the local church back when I was a child. The two acted so alike it was uncanny. He had a thing for kicks as well, so he was a sort of Buddhist monk in a way. At least he weren't a preacher, like Pews. True to his name, he was a devout Catholic, and wore his cross with pride. He would read a bible passage out loud every day, whether or not of it's relevance. If it weren't for his love of hoods and tracksuits, I'm sure he would wear the collar. God only knows.

One Saturday night, during what seemed to be a regular piss up at Jimmy's, most of the crew were in full raving mode. The music was loud, the cocktails strong, and the pounding headache I had that night would just not stop. I took refuge in the 'Stone Shed', a wooden hut at the back of the garden. I sat in a deck chair, and rolled up another joint. At least it helped, to a point. I had put the Hi-Fi on a station which mellow music was the order of the day. Love songs and chilled grooves, just what I needed. There was a knock on the door.

“Az, you in there?” It was Lady K.

“Come in.”

Lady K swooned in, her favourite tipple in one hand, two glasses in the other.

“Jimmy was wondering where you had got to, so I thought I would take a look around.”

“With a bottle of vodka and a couple of glasses? Looking to get me drunk darling?” She merely giggled, filling the glasses up and handing one out to me. I took it, and set it on the table, picking up the beer bottle in the process.

“So, hows your face?”

“not too bad, still twinges when I laugh though.”

“That just means that your still alive. Oh, Intel wanted to know if you wanted that Nokia he's got.”

“Uh huh, I'll chat to him about that tomorrow. Can't be arsed with business right now.”

“Fair enough.”

We sat in silence for a while, the laughs of the others drifting across from the house. I took a moment to take concept of the situation I was in. Here sat a beautiful, if drunk, girl who, according to Intel, had a thing for me, and here sat me feeling at my shittest. It didn't look good to me, plus the Joints I had been self medicating on weren't having the effect I needed. K was fiddling with her phone. Texting, by the look of it. I let her on, not really in the mood for conversation.

“Az.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you like me?”

“what do you mean?”

“as in 'I want to be in bed with you' sort of like.”

Erm....hell yes! was my first thought, but I wasn't an arse, so I took something a little conservative.

“Well...yeah, I do.”

“Really?! Then why haven't you said something? Every other wank-stain I come across always try and pull me, yet your the first bloke I know who hasn't. How come?”

“Because I ain't a wank-stain, love.”

“oh.”

Hmm, nice. I get a 'oh' for not trying. Real fucking nice.

“What about you? DO you like me?”

She giggles slightly, fiddling with the zip of the hoodie she was wearing. “I suppose so, I mean you impressed me the night we first met. And you have been a nice guy to me. I've never known anyone willing like you before.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you're always on the road, picking up this and that, doing favours for those fuckers without any question. And yet, you never expect anything in return.”

“well maybe I should start charging then.” I said with a chuckle. She laughs too and leans in to kiss me on the cheek. I turned my face at just the right moment, her lips touching mine. She pulls away, then comes back for more. I replied with a kiss back, and soon we were all over each other. She climbs on top me, straddling my legs. I wrap my arms around her waist, hands feeling their way around her back. She pulls the shoulders of top away from mine, and reaches down to pull my t-shirt up. I started undressing her, pulling at her zip.

Suddenly K pulls away, throwing her hood on the other chair “DO you want me, Azrael Angel?”

“I do.”

“then come here.”

I stand up from my seat, reach for her. I pull her into my arms, noticing the smell of her perfume. I could fell hands underneath my top. I felt her breath against the crook of my neck. She tugged at my shirt, and I lifted my arms. Topless, I slid the straps of her vest down her arms. She threw my tee to the side, and went for the buckle on her jeans.

Damn, I thought, this girl really does like me. I reached for the clasp on her bra, snapping it away. I've known this girl for two weeks now, and I was about to share a 'bed' with her. I couldn't help but smile.

“What're you smiling at?”

“Oh nothing, babe.” I kiss her passionately, her returning the favour. I felt the weight of my jeans slip away, and a cool breeze wafting against my legs. I was unusually warm that night, but I weren't complaining. I lowered her jeans, and reached for her. I could tell of her excitement, and that got me going too. I hooked the straps of her thong, and pulled gently on them. She had her hand against my crotch, and smiled.

“Mmm, someone's in a good mood.”

“That maybe,” I said, and lowered her body to the floor. “At least the feeling is mutual.” She giggles at that, slips her hand inside the elastic of my boxers.

The following morning, I emerged from the Shed to have a smoke. Lady K was on the floor, resting on the leather jacket I owned, her hood covering her modesty. I closed the door, and went to the house to get a coffee. The carnage of last was evident all over the semi, bottles and cans peppered the scene. Tame's dark mass enveloped the arm chair he slept in. Arch, bless her soul, had collapsed on the dining table. There were noises coming from the kitchen, so I went in.

“Good morning Az.” Jimmy welcomed.

“Morning, good night?” I returned, putting the kettle on. HE nodded. “Cuppa?” I asked.

“yeah go on then. Toast?”

“Erm... yeah, please.”

“two slices?”

“No, four.”

“Four?”

“Yeah, K's out back in the Shed.”

“Oi oi, get lucky then, mate?”

“maybe,” I said with a smile.

“You cheeky bugger!” Jimmy laughed. That was the thing with Jimmy, calling someone cheeky whenever they get lucky, never minded it though. I think he liked the gossip.

“so, go on, what happened?”

“TO be honest, what happened between me and K is gonna stay that way Jim.”

“Not even a rating?!”

“Not even that.”

“Damn, must have been good then.” I had to laugh at that, he was good at clocking on to things. TO tell you the truth I did tell him what happened a few days later, but by then everyone knew, so it wasn't really a big secret.

“where's everyone else?” I asked.

“oh, here there and everywhere.”

“same as usual then, eh?”

“yeah, something like that.”

I finished up the coffee, making enough for Jim, K and myself, and stubbed the cigarette in an ashtray. Jimmy had just finished making the toast so I grabbed a plate and went out back. WE sat on the patio furniture, lighting up a cigarette. I noticed Pews in corner, huddled up to a beer bottle.

“That guy is strange one.”

“who?” Jimmy asked.

“Pews, sat over there with a bottle for a bed mate.”

We both laughed. I heard music coming from the Shed. “K must be awake.” I said, and got up to see her. She was getting her clothes on. I opened the door and went in. She looked up in shock, then realised it was me.

“Oh, hey, where'd you go?”

“Get a bit to eat and have a smoke. Got you a bit too.”

“Oh, sweet, thanks babe.” And leaned in and kissed me. I kissed back, taking hold of her. She held me back, and stood there for a moment and enjoyed each other. It was passionate kiss. She wandered around my lower back, nails stroking my skin.

“Oi, you two love birds gonna come out and eat? Or are you let the toast get cold?” Jimmy shouted out. K and I laughed.

We got out after moment more, then joined Jimmy at the table. We sat and had a cigarette, and caught up with last night's events. Seems Kane had a bit of mad one, doing all sorts of drinking games with Tetron, who's a good holder of his drink. Kane was apparently passed out in the bath, after being sick a few times. Guy's a nut-job. He was always doing stupid shit like that. Excellent little joker though. Always joking around, even though he went to a bit of the extreme sometimes.

Geek got lucky and all. Seems he got a bit frisky with Shade's younger sister, Tam. Tam's a funny one. Not part of the group per-sé, but around whenever we got a session going on. Still, seems everyone had a good night. This group is always together, no matter what. Some of them work and that, but whenever they are off we are forever meeting up.

It takes a lot to be a part of the Angels, as you will see soon. However, it weren't all just blood and lust, but there was a hell of a lot of it in there.

-.AA.-

My Life From Birth to the Dark Angels

2010-04-21T03:34:00.004+01:00

Now, as I sit here listening to Clash Magazine's new compilation set, it has suddenly dawned on me to write down a chapter in my life which, not only created the person I am now, but also showed me that some things in life are not able to be controlled.

But first, a rather short history lesson of my life before then. When I was born twenty years ago, I was thrown into a torrent of arguments, abuse, and violence. My father, typically, was an alcoholic. He used to knock me about after heavy drinking sessions down the pub. Mother dearest was an overly protective person. She smothered me love, and tried to protect me, and my brother, from the wastelands of the city. I knew nothing because of that.

When I first started primary, I immediately rebelled. I hated authority, and the authority hated me back. A basket case, apparently. A problem child with learning and behavioural difficulties. I couldn't be controlled. I was that kid that everyone hated, yet everyone didn't understand me. That was how things Went for a very long time. It wasn't until I was around eleven years old that it stepped up a gear. Now to be honest I wasn't a fighter, I was the hell-raiser of the classroom. I wouldn't do my work, I would throw things, steal, argue, anything to distract me from the interesting pieces of 'art' that covered the door or wall of the classroom. I was a bright kid, I just didn't have the common sense to prove it.

Then secondary school hit, and I knew things would get interesting. I had an older friend that told me high school was where the fun was. My first day there, I understood what he meant. I was beaten up by three boys on first break, and then I got the blame for it. It was ironic, as the authority told me I wouldn't be hurt, then they go ahead and give me the slap for the fight. Enjoyable I must say. It sort of went like for two and a half years. By then I was on edge, I was failing at school, I wouldn't listen to anyone, except for the year eleven group that took me under their wing. They were a lovely group, it's a shame I can't remember their names. Anyway, I was in a tech class working on a project, when some boy, who I've been fighting for a while, hit me round the back of the head with a wooden mallet. I responded with his face in a circular sander. I was expelled for that, and quite right too. No one should get away with that.

A few weeks later, I moved to my second high school. By now I was learned enough to know that I could both play the system, and the peers in my year. I was smoking by then, so asking for a light was a good ice-breaker. I started mixing in with, strangely enough, both sides of the year, the townies and the grungers. Both groups hated each other with a passion. It was so bad that even the teachers had a segregation system in place so that both sides couldn't fight each other in the class rooms. I sort of became a middle man between the groups, giving info and messages through the grapevines. There were two other that followed a similar rule. Both hated me from the off-set. About after a month after I started, one of them had a go at me for taking over what was essentially his only defence from a beating. I simply told him to fuck off. The boy stood there for a moment, visibly shaking. You could tell he was insecure, stuck with the knowledge that his world was crashing down. He threw a punch at me, trying to destroy his threat. I beat him down. The crowd that had gathered cheered, excitedly buzzing at the fact that this weedy little new boy took out that kid. I revelled in it, now knowing my place in the school was safe for a while.

I started to relax a little, but then the grunger half of the year collectively decided that I wasn't worthy of their companionship. A few of them got the jump on me in the main boy's toilets a few months later. I fought back, hoping that a townies I was close to, or even the authority, was coming through the door. Luckily a couple of townies came in. They joined me in taking them out. Need less to say, we got them Grungers are good with a row, but shit when it goes down to the battlefield.

Looking back at it I think that fight was the start of my decline. After becoming a fully fledged townie, I changed into a thus. I was constantly battling other people, gave the school a run for there money, even started on the booze and drugs.

As soon as I hit fifteen, the shit hit the fan. My final year of secondary school was going to start. I panicked, and decided that, since I was not the only one whose grades had slipped, start up a group within the townie side in order to try and keep myself in good nick. It worked to a point, a good group of us managed to pick up a few grades. I just had one thing to do before I left school.

The lad I fought nigh on two years ago was spreading shit about me, going on about I screwed some bird who was, shall we say, on the larger side. I couldn't have that hanging on my head, no fucking way. So I went looking for him, get him to apologise to me for turning that rumour mill on this piece of shit. The thing is, the bird he's been saying about in this rumour had been banging him since the start of year ten. Everyone knew about it, yet some arseholes thought it was funny to shout it out whenever I walked past. I eventually found him drifting around the P.E department. I didn't bother waiting around, I was too pumped.

Calling out his name, I shouted at him to confess that he was spreading the lie, and that he still holds a grudge against me for kicking his arse. He denied both of course, but I knew he was lieing After another five minutes of shouting, I gave up on the little prick, but when I turned away, he hit me square in the back of the head. Damn coward. I hate it when people do stupid things behind my back. I turned around and battered him. Hit after hit came pouring out. After I eventually finished beating him in front of half the school, I walked off. No words, nothing which showed my feelings at all.

Now, I don't know why that exact fight sticks out. but I think it showed to everyone I was in contact with on a near daily basis that I have turned cold. Well, when I say cold, I still have some feeling inside me, like when I beat that boy up, I felt the emotions. Rage, anger, exhilaration, pride even, yet I never showed it. It scared me when I first realised this, but then without that ability, I probably wouldn't of made it out of that school alive, or intact. Not long after that, I finished school, with some form of grades as well.

Everything now became a crawl. I got bored, so I wandered around the area, randomly meeting up with people I knew, and got drunk and high off cannabis. That went on for a good couple of months, and my life changed again.

I was sitting at a bus a stop in the pouring rain, when I met an acquaintance called Jimmy. A twenty one year old, with a kid and a girl, he was the most mature man I knew at the time. We started chatting away, as I hadn't seen him for a while , then he asked what I was up to, I said "Nothing much."

"Do you wanna come over for a drink?"

"Sure, why not?" And that was it, my ticket to my place in whatever world the dead sinners go was ready. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was going to be doing a lot more than drinking that night. We headed over to his, poured a glass of vodka and coke, sparked up and chatted. We went on about all sorts, games, tele, films, people, kids, whatever took our thoughts across.

After a while, Jimmy's phone went off. Whoever it was on the other end of the line, they were coming over, and they had friends. Jimmy and I poured another, and waited for these people to come over, since they had some booze and gear on them. When they got there, I couldn't believe it. Eleven of them waltzed in. They were an odd looking lot, all different walks and styles. When names were introduced, I tried hard not to laugh. They were: Shade, Arch, Geek, Pews, Tetron, LIl'Jim, Tame, Made, Kane, Intel, and Lady K.

Now Lady K stuck out in this motley crew. Blonde hair, curvy, gorgeous face, she was beautiful. Everyone else were, well, not unlucky in the looks department, but nothing special. I had to take a moment to realise that I hadn't even announced myself yet.

"My name is Azrael." Pews laughed. "And what's funny about that, mate?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing. I just know that name means, and also why is such a weedy thing like you has that name anyway?"

"Oh OK, it's just a name I found online. What does it mean?"

"It means Angel of Death." Damn, I wasn't expecting that one. I named myself after biblical character. Lovely. Still, I quite liked it though. There is a sense of poeticalness in it I think.

After that little discovery, the night wore on. Drink kept coming, and cigarettes kept burning. I slowly got to know the group, taking particular interest in Lady K and Tame. With Tame, he isn't the sort of man you would want to meet in a dark alley. Dark skinned, broad shoulders, and a fiery temper to match, the guy can rip a man's head clean off. Lady K on the other hand, she was a gentle soul. Caring and loving, yet the girl can party hard. We was chatting away when Intel got a call. After a short conversation, he hung up. "We got trouble."

“What's up mate?" Jimmy said.

"Some lads from North West are in the area causing shit. PU got fucked." Oh no. PU were known for holding their area like dogs. This meant trouble for my ends. Jimmy got up like a shot.

"Right guys, you know what this means. Tool up and get the cars. Az, come with me." I didn't have a clue what was going on, so I followed Jimmy into the kitchen. "Take these." He handed me a chef's knife and a cleaver.

"What the fuck are these for?"

"For fighting, obviously." Shit. I heard there were people in the area, carrying weapons to do their business with, I didn't realise it was this lot.

"Are you coming or what?" Jimmy was waiting by the front door.

"Er...yeah, I'm coming." We got to the cars, I jumped into the 206 with Jimmy. Shade, Tetron and Arch were in the back. Intel came running over.

"They're at Sainsbury Junction."

"Got ya, tell the others to get in quick." Jimmy responded. I then understood who this lot were. I heard rumours that a crew in the area were running the show. Somehow, I found the strength to ask Jimmy.

"Jimmy, are you lot the Dark Angels?" Shade, Arch and Tetron laughed. Jimmy looked at me, slight shock on his face.

"You heard about us?"

"Only rumours. No one knows who you lot are."

"OK...we'll talk about this later. In the mean time, get your bandanna on." We got to the junction in about five, maybe six minutes. The fight had already started. Everyone except those in in our car were in the thick of it.

"Azrael, you have a choice, pitch in or run. Your choice." I couldn't answer. How was I supposed to fight alongside this lot? It would be a joke. We got out of the car. Jimmy and the others ran in. I watched the carnage unfold. The Dark Angels and these North West lads were scrapping it out big time. Lil'Jim, with his white New Era hat stained in blood, fell to the ground, some black guy looming over him. I don't know what come over me, but I jumped in, punching the guy away. I pulled up Lil'Jim, and carried on hitting this boy. I completely forgot about the knives in my jacket. I can't remember the exact point but someone slashed me in the face. I reeled back, blood pouring from the cut. Something smacked me around the back of the head. I passed out.

I came to the following morning. A headache had surfaced. The cut under my eye stung, tape irritating my eyelid. I shifted slightly to feel where I was. A bed. Single. At least it weren't concrete. Music was playing somewhere. R'n'B. Hands were on my chest.

"You awake yet?" Said a voice. I opened my eyes to see Lady K there. I merely smiled. "You gave us a scare there, Az, we thought we lost you."

"Ugh. Where am I?" I groaned.

"My place. I said to Jimmy that I'll watch over you."

"'Kay. How's Lil'Jim?"

"He's fine. Shaken, but fine. Can you get up at all?" I tried to get up, but my head weren't having none of it. I laid back down, Lady K laughed. "Guess not then. Ha-ha." I felt a breeze, and realised my clothes were missing. I checked to see if my boxers were there. They were, luckily. "Your clothes are in the dryer. Got most of the blood out, but the stitching is orange on your jacket now."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it. By the way Jimmy wants to see you later. He said to go round at eight."

"Why?"

"Not sure, we'll have to see." I think she was lieing to me at that point, the smile she gave sort of gave the game away. I managed to get up after a while, got dressed, and had a cup of tea. Me and Lady K sat in her room for most of the day, chatting away about random things, until I asked what happened after I got knocked out.

"Well, after you fell, Tame went mad, battering everyone in his way. Most of them scattered soon after. You wasn't the only one to go down. Geek got knifed pretty badly."

"Is he OK?"

"Yeah, he's fine. Shade's with him at the moment. She texted earlier saying Feds were questioning the shit out of them. Lil'Jim is pretty bruised up and all. Would of been worse if it weren't for you."

"That's good to hear."

"Come on, let's get to Jimmy." We made our way down to Jimmy's, which meant going past the junction. Police were on it big time, a white tent over the scene. I had to laugh. Funny how those damn killjoys weren't around the night before. After getting off the bus, which was a silent journey, round the corner from our destination, Lady K kissed me square on the mouth.

"Thank you Az, things could of gone worse than they did."

"Er...no problem." I wondered why she kissed me then, but I didn't have time to find out.

"Hey Azrael. How you feelin'?" Was Made's shout. Now Made was a strange guy. He came from a wealthy, well spoken family, educated, and had big plans. Yet he loved nothing more than being in the thick of it.

"Not too bad, facer hurts like hell though."

"Sweet." When we headed down to Jimmy's, he greeted us at the door. He seemed in good nick, as well as spirits.

"Az! K! Made! Good to see you guys are al-right." We headed inside to the house, bottles and cans of half-finished booze sitting around. Intel, Arch and Lil'Jim were there. As soon as Lil'Jim saw me he got up and hugged me.

"Cheers Azrael, you helped out big time last night."

"Erm...thanks mate." Was my muted response.

"OK guys, grab a seat." Jimmy called. We grabbed a seat each, Lady K beside me, her hand on my forearm. "So, Azrael, me and the guys have been thinking and we have decided that with what you did, we want you to be a part of us." I was in shock.

"You serious?"

"Yeah."

"Well...I think I can do that."

"Brilliant," Jimmy went on. "So, as per tradition, we are going to get smashed. But, one thing before we do, how did you know about us?"

"Well, a friend of mine saw you guys in action when my estate flared up a few months back. You know, when Lundy became a battlefield?"

"Oh, I remember that," Made said. "That shit was live!" The crew laughed.

And there it was. I earned my right to roll with this crew. I was...I don't know. Ecstatic, maybe. Nervous, definitely. It came as a surprise to me that this crew welcomed me. Yet, I didn't care. The thing is, if I knew what would happen later, I wouldn't of accepted the offer, yet I probably would be more socially aloof, as my GP puts it, and only would of dreamed of some of the shit that I've done since. Kind of a catch twenty two. I mean, I would of not felt shit like I do now, but won't be as wise as I am now.

-.AA.-

Do You Know What?

2010-04-21T01:09:00.006+01:00

Fuck it. Sometimes it takes too long in my life for me to care anymore. yet, at this moment in time, I do give a damn. Last month, I received word that my Grandma had passed away. As I was very close to her, closer than my mum in some respects, I felt completely at a loss. I lost the biggest influence in my world, and I can not turn to someone. That didn't help. Yet, if anything, I tried to keep it quiet, especially at college. I had work experience at the time, and I had to leave to help with the preparations. I was working alongside Ferdi, one of the guys that was on the course with me and took the same post as me for work experience, grilled the Team Leaders to why I weren't showing up. he already knew of my Grandma's previous stays at hospital, so when Benson, one of the Team Leaders, mentioned something about family issues, he twigged on. He called me the Friday after her death and said to me 'my condolences, mate, i hope you are coping.' Truth was, I weren't. I had time off college, I was progressively becoming recluse, and smoking more and more each day. Then the following Wednesday, I went into College. It was the day before and I only went in to grab some paperwork and have a chat to the Leaders. I took one step into the class, and everyone stopped to look at me. They knew by now, so it wasn't long before the period of awkwardness and mumbled apologies. I never get that, saying sorry to hear about death to someone. Anyway, The funeral came and went, a little revelation at a wake (apparently, the second-woman-I-have-ever-slept-with's mother grew up with my mother, both were army kids, who knew?), which surprised me, now my love life took a good turn.

Zoe, an old, younger friend from the Red Lion days, started up a relationship with a Toni's sister, Leigh. Then I found out from Toni, who is under the same roof as me, started sleeping with her behind Leigh's back. Now, me being me, saw opportunity in this situation, and I don't mean in a good way. I offered Zoe to come over for a drink between the two of us, to which she agreed. She came over, looking like she always does, tight clothes showing off near enough everything. We sat and reminisced over Apple Sourz and Stella. It's funny how much can come up from the past. Conversation moved on, and with the added courage of drink in me, ventured into her subject of her love life. She sighed for a moment, and told me the whole thing. Now, for the sake of simplicity, I'll give the basics. Her relationship with Leigh started up my chance, meeting at a house rave and hitting off from there. Soon came the meeting with Toni, and it changed again. Zoe said that every time she was with Leigh, she thought of Toni, and that included when the couple were fucking. So she started linking Toni on the sly when Leigh was elsewhere. And now she feels closer to Toni than she does Leigh, but she can't dump Leigh on that alone. Leigh takes after Toni in most respects, and that includes the self harm. Leigh, like Toni, falls for everyone she meets, so you can imagine the pain this girl has went through each and every time. Leigh said to me once before I met with Zoe that if she found out Zoe had been sleeping around, she would top herself. Same old story then.

A few drinks later, and the flirting starts. I tell Zoe about what I thought of her while we grew up, that girl who you know is going to be overtly sexual, but you know the label you would get if we slept together (There was a lot superficial-ness in those days, so image and respect counted). She laughed at that, and kissed me. I could not resist, She is insanely erotic, taking every opportunity to turn on every one in the room. Things moved quickly, ending up under the covers of my bed. the sex was good. She knew her way around a man's body, and quickly worked out what gave someone pleasure. I had a feeling she took control a lot during sex, pushing to do what she thought would be good. I didn't let her, taking charge myself and pleasured her in every way I knew. She was...impatient at times, wanting to work on me, but not getting anywhere. It's true what they about men being impatient lovers, but for a guy and an impatient woman to share a bed, well it's a different experience in itself really. Fighting to take control of the motions, dealing out the pleasure in ways that suits us best. It turned things into an exciting game.

We have been seeing each other more since then, both with the others about and in private. Only one person knows about the four way romance, and that is Stephen. He is my confidant in Chilton, so his wisdom on things help in my life. He warned me about getting involved with Zoe like that, being Toni's, and Leigh's, response to when their love interest is fucking other people. I respect his view, but I am not going to stop. I like seeing Zoe when I do, and anyhow, Toni and Leigh are too high all the time. Sounds selfish, I know, but like I said, fuck it. Got nothing to lose, ain't I?

Well, time for me to sort my life out. I shall return very soon.

-.AA.-

What to Say...What to Say...

2010-03-03T23:22:00.007Z

Oh I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what I do about things, as in if the solution is the best one. It's been a while guys, and I have been meaning to do a new post for so long...still, now I'm here, I might as well.

Well, I have lost the job. Had a minor disagreement with a colleague, and I got a bit "heated". Gone, straight away. Oh well, at least I got the flat still. Oh look, lose that and all. Now it's the hostel period of my life. Welcome benefits. And the cheap life.

As you can see, I am a bit sarky this evening. Shouldn't be, but that's how it goes. My mind works in mysterious ways at times. The shit I pull at times...ahh, fuck it, ain't no point in it now, gotta keep moving.

Any way, where I'm living at now. Chilton House, P3 owned private establishment. Ain't bad though, got a nice bed, smallish room, yet cosy. Decent kitchen and bathroom, with cleaning and toilet gear included. The crowd in here is good as well. We have got a butch, suicidal lesbian, a young alcoholic lass, an ex-con, a straight up girl, a pretty boy, a geek, and a lazy slob of a chick. All of them good, decent people. The staff are nice too. A mad manager, who has two other jobs to do on top of running the place, a crazy guy, and a mad old cow. A weird lot, but still a good lot.

Work at the moment is thin on the ground. A few things look promising, yet you don't know in these times. It's hard I can't get anything at all. I can get courses and programmes, but not as available at times. At least I can enjoy my time here, chilling out with the others, doing some of the most random shit you can think of. Having a few random Facebook uploads of photos and videos of stupid shit. it seems childish I know but, it gets extremely funny at times. You literally can't stop laughing at times.

Anyhow, there have been a few changes in the meantime. I've been doing the naughty and sleeping around again. It's just been one of them times you know. I don't feel ready for a relationship now. I really could not be bothered to have one. Too much hassle right now. Maybe another time on that. Still though, Did have a chance with one girl. Kim, her name was. A Brummie by nature, and a serial girl to boot. Was on one of the courses that I have been on. It was during a residential, when she made a move. Best night of the outing.

Anyway, been rabbiting on too much now. Time to go. Till next time my friends.

-.AA.-

A Long-overdue, Long-winded, Long-in-itself, Post

2009-08-30T01:24:00.004+01:00

Right now, where to begin...it's been nearly a month since I last posted, work of all things!, and I thought it best that I have a good update now, since I may not be able to for a while. Rolling on in, my relationship with Sonia has ended. She struck the blow because she thinks I'm an workaholic. I'm not, merely a man who is putting in the extra shifts, just so that Sonia and I can go do things and see places without having worry about anything else. She still didn't like the fact that work tied my hands for pretty much most of the seven day week, only meeting up on a sunday morning, then me disapeering off to work the late shift. I'm not one to complain, but in all my life, I have never heard such half-heartedness in all my life. When we wern't together, we would speak on the phone nigh on constantly, countless texts and emails, it wasn't as if we was not in contact with each other. Maybe it's just me, Maybe it's just that old paradigm at work. I can never be sure.

Moving on I am moving on Monday to a new flat closer to the town centre, and, admittedly, my work. The rent is cheaper, though, and it's in a nicer area. I need to buy some new furnishings though. My fridge took a beating when I moved it the other day. It sort of got...dropped down some stairs. It's costing a small fortune as it is with labour costs, giving my mates a few bob here and there to give a hand, plus a wide variety of takeaways. As well as the usual things like paint, flooring, locksmiths, etc.

I'm now promoted to assistant manager of the pub I workat, sort of. It's more like an under study to the managment, but my wage goes up a bit, and my hours smooth out a little. Only a little though, I still have to take on the extra shifts to keep the place going.

Now, I know in a previous post I said I'll try to get that video of me in the kebab shop, but to no avail. Never mind though, it wern't excactly a ground breaking routine.

So that's all for now, a bit shorter than I thought, but it's been quieter than usual this past month considering it's the holidays.

Night all.

-.AA.-

Questioning....

2009-08-06T23:14:00.004+01:00

I recently took on a ton of extra shifts at work due to someone leaving. At the time things were steady. After a few weeks though, Sonia decided to break up with me. She said to me that I paid more attention to work than her. She's half right. Yes I took on the extra hours, but I only did because the money involved would of meant the two of us would be able to get away at the end of the month. She also said that when things settled down a little bit in my life, we could maybe try again. The thing is, I doubt it. An old friend of hers has been sniffing aroung lately. Now that we are apart, he might just get the idea to make a move.

On the other hand though, I got what I needed. Disruption. Chaos to the order of things. It's nice to have it, yet, as other things have showed me in life, it came at a price. It always does with me. It don't feel like a karma sort of thing though. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's just life's way of doing things.

-.AA.-

Of All The Things You Took Me For...

2009-07-05T21:28:00.005+01:00

Lover

Fighter

Advisor

Organiser

Player

Random

Kind

Hot-Headed

Stalwart

These words were given to me by some people who I can call upon when I need the support. Some are friends. Some are family. There is one thing, though, that all of them have said. They say I have lost the spark in my life, that I am turning cold to most of the things in life which should bring me happiness. I don't know why, but they are right. Even though my life is pretty much settled at the moment, steady job, have my own place, which I can run on my own, a girl, good friends, good family, it's all becoming...I don't know, routine maybe? Things aren't getting any easier, yet things aren't getting harder. It's all becoming the same. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work, drink, sleep, that's how my life goes. I just need something different, something to keep me on my toes, whether it would be work wise, or in my personal life, I just need something, or I fear I may become 'stuck' like this for a long time.

P.S Sorry about the lack of posts, routine is knackering me out these days.

-.AA.-

Freedom Comes At A Price

2009-06-21T21:39:00.004+01:00

Three years ago I was part of a crew. We were tight at the time, doing nearly everything together. Partying, graffiti, fighting, all sorts. It was all a good laugh to me at the time, not really caring about looking for work, just living for the moment. Then at the beginning of May that year, I met Jess. As it were, we got extremely close, extremely quick, to the point where I barely saw the group I was with anymore. Then they accused me of stealing some audio equipment. I didn't. It all got slung about, accusations, people dropping my name into situations where I never even was near. It got ridiculous. It all went on for about a few weeks until I met them on the bus on my way to my Grandparent's house. I said hi out of courtesy, they kept quiet. After about ten minutes, I got off with Jess. Walking down the road, I felt my head jerk forward. I got a punch in the skull. I turned round to find them there running in. What was worse the the girls that they are with attacked Jess. We fought back though. They took a good knock until I dropped into the alley. I fell and bashed my head into a brick wall. I saw stars for a while, feeling them kick me in the midriff. I heard Jess fall onto the gravel. I opened my eyes long enough to see her face come into contact with a trainer.

I passed out from then on. I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came to I was being dragged up by Jess. About twenty minutes later, I was in an ambulance heading to hospital.

I cracked three ribs, fractured my jaw, broke all the metacarpal bones in my right hand, and had the prints of sixteen feet on my back. My confidence on a whole took a severe knock then. What didn't help was the police screwing up everything. I got them though. All of them, even the girls. They all landed prison/juvie for x amount of time plus fine plus ASBO.

The main reason this is alll coming up is that a) it's been almost two years since the court battle (wern't anything special), b) one of them was released Friday. I saw him, on his way to a train station. Sitting outside my local, smoke in hand, I watched him walk past. I laughed. I felt some satisfaction from him squirming his way past.

That's all for now. Goodnight guys.

-.AA.-

While I Think About It...

2009-06-21T00:39:00.006+01:00

As a precaution to any further posts I make, I would like to point out that a lot of the shit that has happened to me will contain some graphic content. Like when my last image of the day I was hospitalised by a group I knew, was Jess getting a boot to the face...

I won't be doing a long-arse post tonight as I am hanging. I'll try to do one tomorrow if I have the time.

Night Y'all x

-.AA.-

Welcome To The Metropolitain

2009-06-10T22:16:00.006+01:00

Hey all, sorry about the lack of posts this past few days, but I had my birthday recently (Twenty, yay!), and I've been so busy with all the constant stream of night's out, party's and what not, I've only just managed to sit myself down to get through shit.

Anyhow, I should tell you about my last few days on a constant bender, and I will, eventually, but first, a little encounter that happened on the first that needs beating of my chest. I bumped into Jess when out to pick up some bits for mother dearest. At first sight she storming over, looking all hellfire-is-about-to-explode-from-her-head. Not within ten paces, she screamed all sorts of abuse in the middle of town. Ensue major argument in which local PCSO's come over to 'diffuse' the situation. A lot of what was said was old news (see previous blog posts for the info), yet still felt more like it all came about the day before. I have a feeling my wounds are still open, but still, that can't be helped. Jess kept going on and on about all this shit because she thought we hadn't finished. All I said was "We have fucking finished, you idiotic fool. You ended this argument the moment you threw that goddamn punch!" "But you..." "Who gives a flying fuck what I ain't done! You made your opinion crystal-fucking-clear at the fucking end of it!" The PCSO's came by then. They asked what was going on, and to keep it down, as I was disturbing the other shoppers. All I said to them was that there is no scene, except the one she was trying to make. I walked off, leaving her to explain things to that lot. I got a nice, shitty little text from her later that day. I haven't replied, don't want to waste the energy on some girl.

A couple of days later, things picked up rather nicely. It was my birthday, I had the next seven days off, and I had some long overdue meets to attend to. First things first, a lovely meal with the family. That included: my mum, her OH, my three brothers, my grandparents, my uncle and aunt and their four kids (I know, a big family!), which was insanely funny to say the least. Straight after that, ensue a very long, very drunk, piss up at my favourite bar. There were only about eight of us, myself and Sonia included, but I reckon that was more than enough of us to do the dirty. God, I was so far gone (which is rare), I honestly do not remember getting back home. The last thing I do remember is the kebab shop. They had dance playing out, I could not resist dancing about like an idiot. I do know of some video floating around somewhere, if I can get hold of it I'll post it up. Following day I back out for lunch, with Josi no less. It was great to see her at last. We spent the best part of three hours in that bar (the same one as yesterday), chatting away on absolutely everything and anything. It could of gone on so well, but she had a call out. Some family problem had come up. It was a shame, but we have found an evening free, so we will pick up from there. That night it was a house party at my flat with the group. No Sonia, as she had babysitting duty. Now there was a night worth remembering. All sorts happened. It was epic.

After that night, it was a five day climb down. It was that long because of my work had some live acts in, so I thought I'll head in. So that was basically it, minus a few illicit details which I'll go on at great length later. Until then guys.

-.AA.-

Too Many to Count

2009-05-30T21:27:00.004+01:00

Now I have to say, as a young man about to hit his twenty's, that I can say what I am going to do with my life. But I can't. Life, for some reason or another, is being very fickle with me. As soon as something good has come up for me, it throws another spanner into the works. As strange as it is, I don't find it bad at all. In the contrary, it's rather liberating, to know that regardless of my ideals, I will always be dogged by something or rather.

So now is the time to explain a little bit about why I have insecurities over the three women in my life. The fact is, I was in a three year relationship with Jess. We had so much going, yet so much not. I mean, we share some massively good memories, like when the two of us ripped through Central London, making our way through every club from Soho to Camden we could find. Then there is others, like me screwing up, and then the whole street watching me crash and burn. At the end of it though, it all came to end quite spectacularly. We had this almighty row over a friend of mine I knew for years (not Sonia, thank God), whom was texting me a lot since she started working with me. Things got worse. All sorts of things started popping up. The times I couldn't make things like parties or do's, forgetting her at the airport, when I drunkenly snogged a girl at a club, and other tit bits. That was what made me mad, all of that stuff we done and dusted, closed the chapter, locked it way etc etc., yet she had the audacity to bring it all back up again. I thought, fuck that, enough is enough. I ended there and then. Cue punch to face. It shocked me, to feel a fist clocking my chin. I stood there, completely at a loss, this young woman, whom I have loved for the best part of three years, throwing a fist at me. I could do the only thing I could. I ran.

So there is the reason for my insecurities. It has given me so many questions now, none which I want to know the answer to. What doesn't help is that I have no perspective, no help I can rely on or go to. Though there is a little thing to help me through. Sonia and I are going for it, though on a slow path, as I still have some reservations about having a relationship in general. Also, Jessie and Josi are bugging me to meet with them. I am going to, but work and family conflict at the moment and I barely have enough time for myself. I'll just have to see how it goes for the time being.

-.AA.-

A Quick Sort of Thing...

2009-05-22T00:27:00.005+01:00

Hey, I know I should do a proper post right now but I am really not in a state of mind to do so. So instead, I am going to give you a song. It's called The Only Way, by Gotye. It sort of says most of my thoughts at the moment. Until the time I can give you some meat to chew, please take this nice little starter. Thank you.

-.AA.-

Gotye - The Only Way

Calm down now baby
The end of the journey’s in sight
You’ve travelled so far love
Now all of the stars are aligned

Say goodbye (I don’t want to)
Don’t you fight (I don’t want to)
Leaving your life’s no easy ride

All the grief you gave
All the love you made
All your yesterdays
Everything you were
Will fade

This is the only way

All the things you thought
you came here for
Everything you thought
you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true

All the things you thought you had to say
Everyone you left along the way
So you gather how
Nothing matters now that your time is through

This is the only way

Goodbye, My Old Friend...

2009-05-15T22:04:00.005+01:00

Today was my old friends funeral. He was cremated at the borough crematorium. It was a good turnout, many faces from his life were there. Friends, family, a lot of them. I was glad in a way, that he touched so many people one way or another.

So, as you can probably guess, I've been feeling a little withdrawn. I was happy to put on a charade to help his wife, but inside another piece of my heart died. I'm just reminded about all the others. Their lives, their deaths, funerals, as well as my old friend's. It's a long road, the one I'm on, and at every turn darkness overshadows any form of light in my life.

Though there is one thing that has popped up. My uncle has a tattoo on his right arm. It is all the names of those he has lost as well. It covers the length of his forearm, with seventeen names listed on his skin. It is a fitting tribute to those he lost, considering most of them he lost in combat.

I've decided to do the same. Each name marked on me, along with their years. I feel that I can carry such a thing on me. A reminder of those that I loved. I just hope that I can get it done tastefully.

Another thing has shocked me today. A long time friend and former battle brother called me not long after the funeral and asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed as I haven't had a good catch up with him in a while. So, we met at the usual place, bought a drink and sat down to chat. I originally thought that he had nothing else to do and thought that I could keep him company. I was wrong. He called to tell me that he was heading to prison for supplying drugs. I went mad, asking two hundred questions about where, when, how, why. He told me that he lost his job, and finding it hard to find another, so decided to do a little bit of dealing to keep his income in good order. Apparently someone tipped off the police, and they raided his flat in the morning a few months back. He has yet to be sentenced properly, but his lawyer reckons that, with the amount he was found with, it was a minimum of six months. He wanted us to meet as sort of a farewell drink. I couldn't complain about the idea. At least he was being honest. I asked him why he didn't asked for help, I would gladly give him some cash, or even let him move in. He said that he wanted to try and sort things out for himself. Well, it was his choice. I can only stand by him as a friend and an ally, whatever the circumstance.

Well that is basically the current events of my life so far. I am still indecisive to what I am going to do about Sonia. But it still early days, maybe it can be resolved soon.

-.AA.-

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

2009-05-14T09:39:00.009+01:00

Hello again. The past few days have been a bit hectic, so please excuse the gap in this one. Ever since that post I made last time, a great sadness has overwhelmed me. With helping to arrange the funeral, and trying to hold down everything else, I've taken a beating mentally. The fact is I am drained. My emotions are shot, my thoughts can't seem to stay on the same subject for too long. I am slowly losing my grip.

That was yesterday morning I wrote that. Today I am in greater spirits, to a certain point anyway. Sonia, the girl that has got back into contact recently, came over to my flat last night. She was unaware of my friends death. She wanted us to go out and slowly drink ourselves out. I wasn't in the mood at first. To be honest I just wanted to stay at home, listen to music and fall asleep. She weren't having none of it. She kept going on saying lets do it, let's do it, but I wanted to curl up. In the end she left to go to the shops. After about fifteen minutes she was back carrying all sorts of booze and food and films. She wouldn't budge until I agreed to have a drink with her. In the end I agreed, I thought maybe a drink would help me relax a little. In the end I was right, a couple of shorts later and I was having a wonderful time. We watched films, played games, chatted and for the first time in about six days, I had completely forgotten all thought of my problems. After a while, she asked me what has been happening to me the past few days. So I explained it. My friend, my thoughts, my emotional drain. She was shocked at the amount of things crossing my mind.

She gave me a piece of advice. 'Always share your yourself to those you trust, the weight of it all will seem like nothing.' It seems funny, that piece of advice, more or less, I gave to her years ago when she hit depression. Ironic, I have to say.

Anyhow, Things got hot and heavy between the two of us. The combination of booze and mutual feelings sort of spiralled out of control. We went upstairs for some intimacy. I guess I can say you know the rest.The following morning was the usual fare. The slight headache, the constant giggles, mass hunger and, of course, confusion, because now, since it is the second time we've slept together, I have not got a clue where these actions leaves us. Are we a couple? Or just 'very' close friends? Also, where does that leave me with the other two, Jessie and Josi? Josi was calling me today asking when are we going to meet up. I've arranged a meet with but I don't know where to take her. Will have to think about that. And Jessie! Well, she constantly popping up in my inbox. Funny jokes, general chit-chat (not a phrase which best describes it) I enjoy all the banter and wit we share, but we have still yet to meet up, and I am starting to think that maybe we would be better off as friends. I will have to face this certain dilemma at some point. I hope I can choose the best way to go.

-.AA.-

The Dead Part Of Me...

2009-05-08T02:19:00.008+01:00

Today I realised that my life is in turmoil. Well, worse than I have thought. A friend of mine died today. He was an old fool, never listened to a word that anyone would say. But, in the breath, was as wise as they would come. He always would help me with my troubles, whether they were love, life, work, anything else that bothered the hell out of me. He would have the answer. Now, lung cancer has taken him. His wife was on the phone, in tears, telling me the news. It saddens me to think that now he has gone, my life is that more darker.

Nineteen years. It's a long time. To know someone that long is quite an achievement. Especially for me. Most of my closest people are already in the ground. Every grave, every visit, the initial funeral, constantly plays in my head when I'm not thinking about more pressing matters. Too many ghosts. Too many memories, good and bad. I'm too young, people have said, to have witnessed all of this. My annual rituals of visiting their sites would consume me. What they don't realise is that it gives perspective. Every single person that I have lost, every person that is written upon my skin, had a different relationship with me. An aunt, a nan, a best friend, a free lover, a father, a battle-brother, all lost to me in this life. Now my closest confidant has passed away. Seven people. All of them were good, now they are dead.

-.AA.-

Well...

2009-05-04T20:37:00.006+01:00

Hello there. I was going to post yesterday but I had a few things to clear up. For example yesterday, it would have been my third year anniversary to the relationship that ended recently. At the thought of it I never gave her a name. Her name is Jess. Anyway, she was the reason for me not posting yesterday. I am so madly in love with her, and yet there is not a damn thing I can do about it. except maybe drink. Or smoke for that matter, but I don't want to numb these feelings, it gives me great pleasure, and sadness simultaneously, in remembering those last few years. The love, companionship, sex, all of that I love and miss greatly. I wish there was a change of heart on her part, but as the line goes, it's for the best.

I have to admit, I did cry last night, lying in bed. I wondered what she would be doing right now. Probably out enjoying herself as she won't have work the following day. I hate to say it but I can't move on. My heart won't let me, no matter what my head says, it will not budge. It comforts me though, knowing that I still hold a beacon of light for her. I don't know if she holds one for me, I doubt I will ever know.

I wish I could get some help on this, but I don't know if anyone can. There's no one I really know that can help me. It's painful to come to terms with this. Maybe I can get my love life sorted, maybe it will fall into place. one day.

I want to share a song with you. It is a song made by a band in Stockholm, Sweden. It's not a song that been 'released' like those you hear on the main radio stations, more like one of those songs that you come across when you aimlessly browse the web. Anyway here it is. The link for the song is below.

-.AA.-

Mental Issues - You

Where have you gone now?

You left me here all alone and i can't breath

Why did you let me down

All my thoughts of you will fade now

This feels so unreal

Why can't you let me wake up from this nightmare

I don't know what to believe

And this is all because of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now I'm done with you

This was the last time you let me down

I don't give a shit anymore

Why can;t you open your eyes and see

Why won't you listen now

It's my turn to speak up and put you down

I just wrote to say goodbye

I'm deleting the memories of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

A New Start of Sorts...

2009-05-03T01:10:00.007+01:00

Hello

I am something of an enigma. I don't know why but that is how I feel. Now in my experience, enigmas don't have problems, but I do...it is strange though. For a man of my age and wisdom, it is completely irrational. I have three women in my life which I care completely. One is an old friend who has recently waltzed into my life after six years. Her name is Sonia. Another is a girl across the country who I have met online. She's Jessie. The final one is a mature woman who I also met on the Internet. Her name's Josi.

Sonia

Now Sonis is a girl I've grown up with for most of my teenage life. We loved, we fought, we drunk, experimented, and anything else that kids did. After my time was cut at the school we went to together, we lost contact for over six years. At first it was strange, not hearing her voice, goading me into drinking half a bottle of wine while spinning. Then as time passed, the memories faded. Then, a week ago, she contacts me, demanding I see her for lunch. So, after making arrangements, me met. It felt like I was a child again. All the laughing, chatting, and booze brought up a thousand memories from my past. Also, old flames burned deep inside my heart. Intoxicated, I took her home, where against better judgement, made love with her for the most part of the afternoon. For some reason, I don't know why but it felt like we have done this act for years, the positions, the adrenalin, old emotions lit up by the days intake. We parted that night to attend to whatever duties we had that night. I walked aimlessly around the town, smoking Panamas and stealing the smile of the Cheshire Cat.

Jessie

I've known Jessie for a few months now. She kind, quirky and hilariously funny when drunk. She's also insecure, under-confident, and in severe denial about herself. No matter how many times I, or anyone else says how good she looks to her, she will block it. It annoys me to hell that she pulls up these walls, and drives up the wall when she randomly says she is an ugly, fat cow. The thing is, heart bleeds for her. I was once the insecure one in the corner, scratching at anyone who comes close. I want to help her so much. For some reason, I melt at the sight of a girl like Jessie.

Josi

Josi is a difficult one to describe. thirty years my senior, she looks barely looks a day over twenty five. Like most girls her age, she could mother me like a newborn baby. But she has a side I've never experienced in my short life. She wants something that, if I had the chance, I would give it to her without question. The problem is that I know I have not got a chance in hell to give it to her, so I would never experience being something that she needs. Yet, I can't stop thinking about her. She has been on my mind for about half of my waking hours.

So this is my dilemma. Should I pursue the old flame? Become a pillar for Jessie? Or throw everything to try and become a part of the older woman's life. It's driving me mad. I know love and lust are two separate emotions, but I can't separate them. Another factor to this dilemma is that I've recently ended a three year relationship because the girl wanted to travel and do the things she wanted to do. I can't complain about it, but my heart still wants her next to me in my bed, to feel her by my side on the long walks, to be able to take her hand carry her over the threshold. It's a problem I cannot solve. My only other option is to walk away from it all and concentrate on the other important things in life. But I don't want to that, at least, my romantic side of me don't want to to say the least.

I fear this problem, whatever it's outcome, would change just about everything in my life to an extent. I don't want to allow my life hang in the balance of this, but I fear it has become an integral part of it.

That is all for now, I hope I can decide my fate soon.

-.AA.-

Unknown Thoughts...

formspring.me

Who's your favorite relative and why are they your favorite?

formspring.me

Wake Up Call...

Revelation...

ARGH!!!

Two Ls...

Initiating...

Friday Fill-Ins!

Flash Fiction Friday!

Flash Fiction Friday!

Smoky Haze...

Jasper...

Friday Fill-Ins!

Flash Fiction Friday!

The Weekend...

Egyptian Cotton

No Retreat, No Surrender...

Friday Fill-Ins!

Two Conflicting Thoughts...

Friday Fill-Ins!

Flash Fiction Friday!

Jen

Wait A Minute...

A Thought Worth Knowing...

*Sighs*...

Disobedience

She Never Found me, I Found Her...

Tiggsz' Sexual Adventures...Part 1....

Friday Fill-Ins!

Flash Fiction Friday!

Random Fantasy Thought...

One 21st Birthday Later...

Friday Fill-Ins!

The Reason For My Good Mood At This Early Hour...

Friday Fill Ins!

The Feeling...

Modern Warfare 2 - Amazing Knife Throw

Oh The Heat...

Moans...

Friday Fill Ins!

Right...

Running A Job

hehe

Two Weeks On...

My Life From Birth to the Dark Angels

Do You Know What?

What to Say...What to Say...

A Long-overdue, Long-winded, Long-in-itself, Post

Questioning....

Of All The Things You Took Me For...

Freedom Comes At A Price

While I Think About It...

Welcome To The Metropolitain

Too Many to Count

A Quick Sort of Thing...

Goodbye, My Old Friend...

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

The Dead Part Of Me...

Well...

A New Start of Sorts...

Sighs...