Too Many to Count

Now I have to say, as a young man about to hit his twenty's, that I can say what I am going to do with my life. But I can't. Life, for some reason or another, is being very fickle with me. As soon as something good has come up for me, it throws another spanner into the works. As strange as it is, I don't find it bad at all. In the contrary, it's rather liberating, to know that regardless of my ideals, I will always be dogged by something or rather.

So now is the time to explain a little bit about why I have insecurities over the three women in my life. The fact is, I was in a three year relationship with Jess. We had so much going, yet so much not. I mean, we share some massively good memories, like when the two of us ripped through Central London, making our way through every club from Soho to Camden we could find. Then there is others, like me screwing up, and then the whole street watching me crash and burn. At the end of it though, it all came to end quite spectacularly. We had this almighty row over a friend of mine I knew for years (not Sonia, thank God), whom was texting me a lot since she started working with me. Things got worse. All sorts of things started popping up. The times I couldn't make things like parties or do's, forgetting her at the airport, when I drunkenly snogged a girl at a club, and other tit bits. That was what made me mad, all of that stuff we done and dusted, closed the chapter, locked it way etc etc., yet she had the audacity to bring it all back up again. I thought, fuck that, enough is enough. I ended there and then. Cue punch to face. It shocked me, to feel a fist clocking my chin. I stood there, completely at a loss, this young woman, whom I have loved for the best part of three years, throwing a fist at me. I could do the only thing I could. I ran.

So there is the reason for my insecurities. It has given me so many questions now, none which I want to know the answer to. What doesn't help is that I have no perspective, no help I can rely on or go to. Though there is a little thing to help me through. Sonia and I are going for it, though on a slow path, as I still have some reservations about having a relationship in general. Also, Jessie and Josi are bugging me to meet with them. I am going to, but work and family conflict at the moment and I barely have enough time for myself. I'll just have to see how it goes for the time being.

-.AA.-

A Quick Sort of Thing...

Hey, I know I should do a proper post right now but I am really not in a state of mind to do so. So instead, I am going to give you a song. It's called The Only Way, by Gotye. It sort of says most of my thoughts at the moment. Until the time I can give you some meat to chew, please take this nice little starter. Thank you.

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Gotye - The Only Way


Calm down now baby
The end of the journey’s in sight
You’ve travelled so far love
Now all of the stars are aligned

Say goodbye (I don’t want to)
Don’t you fight (I don’t want to)
Leaving your life’s no easy ride

All the grief you gave
All the love you made
All your yesterdays
Everything you were
Will fade

This is the only way

All the things you thought
you came here for
Everything you thought
you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true

All the things you thought you had to say
Everyone you left along the way
So you gather how
Nothing matters now that your time is through

This is the only way

Goodbye, My Old Friend...

Today was my old friends funeral. He was cremated at the borough crematorium. It was a good turnout, many faces from his life were there. Friends, family, a lot of them. I was glad in a way, that he touched so many people one way or another.

So, as you can probably guess, I've been feeling a little withdrawn. I was happy to put on a charade to help his wife, but inside another piece of my heart died. I'm just reminded about all the others. Their lives, their deaths, funerals, as well as my old friend's. It's a long road, the one I'm on, and at every turn darkness overshadows any form of light in my life.

Though there is one thing that has popped up. My uncle has a tattoo on his right arm. It is all the names of those he has lost as well. It covers the length of his forearm, with seventeen names listed on his skin. It is a fitting tribute to those he lost, considering most of them he lost in combat.

I've decided to do the same. Each name marked on me, along with their years. I feel that I can carry such a thing on me. A reminder of those that I loved. I just hope that I can get it done tastefully.

Another thing has shocked me today. A long time friend and former battle brother called me not long after the funeral and asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed as I haven't had a good catch up with him in a while. So, we met at the usual place, bought a drink and sat down to chat. I originally thought that he had nothing else to do and thought that I could keep him company. I was wrong. He called to tell me that he was heading to prison for supplying drugs. I went mad, asking two hundred questions about where, when, how, why. He told me that he lost his job, and finding it hard to find another, so decided to do a little bit of dealing to keep his income in good order. Apparently someone tipped off the police, and they raided his flat in the morning a few months back. He has yet to be sentenced properly, but his lawyer reckons that, with the amount he was found with, it was a minimum of six months. He wanted us to meet as sort of a farewell drink. I couldn't complain about the idea. At least he was being honest. I asked him why he didn't asked for help, I would gladly give him some cash, or even let him move in. He said that he wanted to try and sort things out for himself. Well, it was his choice. I can only stand by him as a friend and an ally, whatever the circumstance.

Well that is basically the current events of my life so far. I am still indecisive to what I am going to do about Sonia. But it still early days, maybe it can be resolved soon.

-.AA.-

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Hello again. The past few days have been a bit hectic, so please excuse the gap in this one. Ever since that post I made last time, a great sadness has overwhelmed me. With helping to arrange the funeral, and trying to hold down everything else, I've taken a beating mentally. The fact is I am drained. My emotions are shot, my thoughts can't seem to stay on the same subject for too long. I am slowly losing my grip.

That was yesterday morning I wrote that. Today I am in greater spirits, to a certain point anyway. Sonia, the girl that has got back into contact recently, came over to my flat last night. She was unaware of my friends death. She wanted us to go out and slowly drink ourselves out. I wasn't in the mood at first. To be honest I just wanted to stay at home, listen to music and fall asleep. She weren't having none of it. She kept going on saying lets do it, let's do it, but I wanted to curl up. In the end she left to go to the shops. After about fifteen minutes she was back carrying all sorts of booze and food and films. She wouldn't budge until I agreed to have a drink with her. In the end I agreed, I thought maybe a drink would help me relax a little. In the end I was right, a couple of shorts later and I was having a wonderful time. We watched films, played games, chatted and for the first time in about six days, I had completely forgotten all thought of my problems. After a while, she asked me what has been happening to me the past few days. So I explained it. My friend, my thoughts, my emotional drain. She was shocked at the amount of things crossing my mind.

She gave me a piece of advice. 'Always share your yourself to those you trust, the weight of it all will seem like nothing.' It seems funny, that piece of advice, more or less, I gave to her years ago when she hit depression. Ironic, I have to say.

Anyhow, Things got hot and heavy between the two of us. The combination of booze and mutual feelings sort of spiralled out of control. We went upstairs for some intimacy. I guess I can say you know the rest.The following morning was the usual fare. The slight headache, the constant giggles, mass hunger and, of course, confusion, because now, since it is the second time we've slept together, I have not got a clue where these actions leaves us. Are we a couple? Or just 'very' close friends? Also, where does that leave me with the other two, Jessie and Josi? Josi was calling me today asking when are we going to meet up. I've arranged a meet with but I don't know where to take her. Will have to think about that. And Jessie! Well, she constantly popping up in my inbox. Funny jokes, general chit-chat (not a phrase which best describes it) I enjoy all the banter and wit we share, but we have still yet to meet up, and I am starting to think that maybe we would be better off as friends. I will have to face this certain dilemma at some point. I hope I can choose the best way to go.

-.AA.-

The Dead Part Of Me...

Today I realised that my life is in turmoil. Well, worse than I have thought. A friend of mine died today. He was an old fool, never listened to a word that anyone would say. But, in the breath, was as wise as they would come. He always would help me with my troubles, whether they were love, life, work, anything else that bothered the hell out of me. He would have the answer. Now, lung cancer has taken him. His wife was on the phone, in tears, telling me the news. It saddens me to think that now he has gone, my life is that more darker.

Nineteen years. It's a long time. To know someone that long is quite an achievement. Especially for me. Most of my closest people are already in the ground. Every grave, every visit, the initial funeral, constantly plays in my head when I'm not thinking about more pressing matters. Too many ghosts. Too many memories, good and bad. I'm too young, people have said, to have witnessed all of this. My annual rituals of visiting their sites would consume me. What they don't realise is that it gives perspective. Every single person that I have lost, every person that is written upon my skin, had a different relationship with me. An aunt, a nan, a best friend, a free lover, a father, a battle-brother, all lost to me in this life. Now my closest confidant has passed away. Seven people. All of them were good, now they are dead.

-.AA.-

Well...

Hello there. I was going to post yesterday but I had a few things to clear up. For example yesterday, it would have been my third year anniversary to the relationship that ended recently. At the thought of it I never gave her a name. Her name is Jess. Anyway, she was the reason for me not posting yesterday. I am so madly in love with her, and yet there is not a damn thing I can do about it. except maybe drink. Or smoke for that matter, but I don't want to numb these feelings, it gives me great pleasure, and sadness simultaneously, in remembering those last few years. The love, companionship, sex, all of that I love and miss greatly. I wish there was a change of heart on her part, but as the line goes, it's for the best.

I have to admit, I did cry last night, lying in bed. I wondered what she would be doing right now. Probably out enjoying herself as she won't have work the following day. I hate to say it but I can't move on. My heart won't let me, no matter what my head says, it will not budge. It comforts me though, knowing that I still hold a beacon of light for her. I don't know if she holds one for me, I doubt I will ever know.

I wish I could get some help on this, but I don't know if anyone can. There's no one I really know that can help me. It's painful to come to terms with this. Maybe I can get my love life sorted, maybe it will fall into place. one day.

I want to share a song with you. It is a song made by a band in Stockholm, Sweden. It's not a song that been 'released' like those you hear on the main radio stations, more like one of those songs that you come across when you aimlessly browse the web. Anyway here it is. The link for the song is below.

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Mental Issues - You

Where have you gone now?

You left me here all alone and i can't breath

Why did you let me down

All my thoughts of you will fade now

This feels so unreal

Why can't you let me wake up from this nightmare

I don't know what to believe

And this is all because of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now I'm done with you

This was the last time you let me down

I don't give a shit anymore

Why can;t you open your eyes and see

Why won't you listen now

It's my turn to speak up and put you down

I just wrote to say goodbye

I'm deleting the memories of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

A New Start of Sorts...

Hello

I am something of an enigma. I don't know why but that is how I feel. Now in my experience, enigmas don't have problems, but I do...it is strange though. For a man of my age and wisdom, it is completely irrational. I have three women in my life which I care completely. One is an old friend who has recently waltzed into my life after six years. Her name is Sonia. Another is a girl across the country who I have met online. She's Jessie. The final one is a mature woman who I also met on the Internet. Her name's Josi.

Sonia

Now Sonis is a girl I've grown up with for most of my teenage life. We loved, we fought, we drunk, experimented, and anything else that kids did. After my time was cut at the school we went to together, we lost contact for over six years. At first it was strange, not hearing her voice, goading me into drinking half a bottle of wine while spinning. Then as time passed, the memories faded. Then, a week ago, she contacts me, demanding I see her for lunch. So, after making arrangements, me met. It felt like I was a child again. All the laughing, chatting, and booze brought up a thousand memories from my past. Also, old flames burned deep inside my heart. Intoxicated, I took her home, where against better judgement, made love with her for the most part of the afternoon. For some reason, I don't know why but it felt like we have done this act for years, the positions, the adrenalin, old emotions lit up by the days intake. We parted that night to attend to whatever duties we had that night. I walked aimlessly around the town, smoking Panamas and stealing the smile of the Cheshire Cat.

Jessie

I've known Jessie for a few months now. She kind, quirky and hilariously funny when drunk. She's also insecure, under-confident, and in severe denial about herself. No matter how many times I, or anyone else says how good she looks to her, she will block it. It annoys me to hell that she pulls up these walls, and drives up the wall when she randomly says she is an ugly, fat cow. The thing is, heart bleeds for her. I was once the insecure one in the corner, scratching at anyone who comes close. I want to help her so much. For some reason, I melt at the sight of a girl like Jessie.

Josi

Josi is a difficult one to describe. thirty years my senior, she looks barely looks a day over twenty five. Like most girls her age, she could mother me like a newborn baby. But she has a side I've never experienced in my short life. She wants something that, if I had the chance, I would give it to her without question. The problem is that I know I have not got a chance in hell to give it to her, so I would never experience being something that she needs. Yet, I can't stop thinking about her. She has been on my mind for about half of my waking hours.

So this is my dilemma. Should I pursue the old flame? Become a pillar for Jessie? Or throw everything to try and become a part of the older woman's life. It's driving me mad. I know love and lust are two separate emotions, but I can't separate them. Another factor to this dilemma is that I've recently ended a three year relationship because the girl wanted to travel and do the things she wanted to do. I can't complain about it, but my heart still wants her next to me in my bed, to feel her by my side on the long walks, to be able to take her hand carry her over the threshold. It's a problem I cannot solve. My only other option is to walk away from it all and concentrate on the other important things in life. But I don't want to that, at least, my romantic side of me don't want to to say the least.

I fear this problem, whatever it's outcome, would change just about everything in my life to an extent. I don't want to allow my life hang in the balance of this, but I fear it has become an integral part of it.

That is all for now, I hope I can decide my fate soon.

-.AA.-