A Long-overdue, Long-winded, Long-in-itself, Post

Right now, where to begin...it's been nearly a month since I last posted, work of all things!, and I thought it best that I have a good update now, since I may not be able to for a while. Rolling on in, my relationship with Sonia has ended. She struck the blow because she thinks I'm an workaholic. I'm not, merely a man who is putting in the extra shifts, just so that Sonia and I can go do things and see places without having worry about anything else. She still didn't like the fact that work tied my hands for pretty much most of the seven day week, only meeting up on a sunday morning, then me disapeering off to work the late shift. I'm not one to complain, but in all my life, I have never heard such half-heartedness in all my life. When we wern't together, we would speak on the phone nigh on constantly, countless texts and emails, it wasn't as if we was not in contact with each other. Maybe it's just me, Maybe it's just that old paradigm at work. I can never be sure.

Moving on I am moving on Monday to a new flat closer to the town centre, and, admittedly, my work. The rent is cheaper, though, and it's in a nicer area. I need to buy some new furnishings though. My fridge took a beating when I moved it the other day. It sort of got...dropped down some stairs. It's costing a small fortune as it is with labour costs, giving my mates a few bob here and there to give a hand, plus a wide variety of takeaways. As well as the usual things like paint, flooring, locksmiths, etc.

I'm now promoted to assistant manager of the pub I workat, sort of. It's more like an under study to the managment, but my wage goes up a bit, and my hours smooth out a little. Only a little though, I still have to take on the extra shifts to keep the place going.

Now, I know in a previous post I said I'll try to get that video of me in the kebab shop, but to no avail. Never mind though, it wern't excactly a ground breaking routine.

So that's all for now, a bit shorter than I thought, but it's been quieter than usual this past month considering it's the holidays.

Night all.

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Questioning....

I recently took on a ton of extra shifts at work due to someone leaving. At the time things were steady. After a few weeks though, Sonia decided to break up with me. She said to me that I paid more attention to work than her. She's half right. Yes I took on the extra hours, but I only did because the money involved would of meant the two of us would be able to get away at the end of the month. She also said that when things settled down a little bit in my life, we could maybe try again. The thing is, I doubt it. An old friend of hers has been sniffing aroung lately. Now that we are apart, he might just get the idea to make a move.

On the other hand though, I got what I needed. Disruption. Chaos to the order of things. It's nice to have it, yet, as other things have showed me in life, it came at a price. It always does with me. It don't feel like a karma sort of thing though. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's just life's way of doing things.

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Of All The Things You Took Me For...

Lover

Fighter

Advisor

Organiser

Player

Random

Kind

Hot-Headed

Stalwart

These words were given to me by some people who I can call upon when I need the support. Some are friends. Some are family. There is one thing, though, that all of them have said. They say I have lost the spark in my life, that I am turning cold to most of the things in life which should bring me happiness. I don't know why, but they are right. Even though my life is pretty much settled at the moment, steady job, have my own place, which I can run on my own, a girl, good friends, good family, it's all becoming...I don't know, routine maybe? Things aren't getting any easier, yet things aren't getting harder. It's all becoming the same. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work, drink, sleep, that's how my life goes. I just need something different, something to keep me on my toes, whether it would be work wise, or in my personal life, I just need something, or I fear I may become 'stuck' like this for a long time.

P.S Sorry about the lack of posts, routine is knackering me out these days.

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Freedom Comes At A Price

Three years ago I was part of a crew. We were tight at the time, doing nearly everything together. Partying, graffiti, fighting, all sorts. It was all a good laugh to me at the time, not really caring about looking for work, just living for the moment. Then at the beginning of May that year, I met Jess. As it were, we got extremely close, extremely quick, to the point where I barely saw the group I was with anymore. Then they accused me of stealing some audio equipment. I didn't. It all got slung about, accusations, people dropping my name into situations where I never even was near. It got ridiculous. It all went on for about a few weeks until I met them on the bus on my way to my Grandparent's house. I said hi out of courtesy, they kept quiet. After about ten minutes, I got off with Jess. Walking down the road, I felt my head jerk forward. I got a punch in the skull. I turned round to find them there running in. What was worse the the girls that they are with attacked Jess. We fought back though. They took a good knock until I dropped into the alley. I fell and bashed my head into a brick wall. I saw stars for a while, feeling them kick me in the midriff. I heard Jess fall onto the gravel. I opened my eyes long enough to see her face come into contact with a trainer.

I passed out from then on. I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came to I was being dragged up by Jess. About twenty minutes later, I was in an ambulance heading to hospital.

I cracked three ribs, fractured my jaw, broke all the metacarpal bones in my right hand, and had the prints of sixteen feet on my back. My confidence on a whole took a severe knock then. What didn't help was the police screwing up everything. I got them though. All of them, even the girls. They all landed prison/juvie for x amount of time plus fine plus ASBO.

The main reason this is alll coming up is that a) it's been almost two years since the court battle (wern't anything special), b) one of them was released Friday. I saw him, on his way to a train station. Sitting outside my local, smoke in hand, I watched him walk past. I laughed. I felt some satisfaction from him squirming his way past.

That's all for now. Goodnight guys.

-.AA.-

While I Think About It...

As a precaution to any further posts I make, I would like to point out that a lot of the shit that has happened to me will contain some graphic content. Like when my last image of the day I was hospitalised by a group I knew, was Jess getting a boot to the face...

I won't be doing a long-arse post tonight as I am hanging. I'll try to do one tomorrow if I have the time.

Night Y'all x

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Welcome To The Metropolitain

Hey all, sorry about the lack of posts this past few days, but I had my birthday recently (Twenty, yay!), and I've been so busy with all the constant stream of night's out, party's and what not, I've only just managed to sit myself down to get through shit.

Anyhow, I should tell you about my last few days on a constant bender, and I will, eventually, but first, a little encounter that happened on the first that needs beating of my chest. I bumped into Jess when out to pick up some bits for mother dearest. At first sight she storming over, looking all hellfire-is-about-to-explode-from-her-head. Not within ten paces, she screamed all sorts of abuse in the middle of town. Ensue major argument in which local PCSO's come over to 'diffuse' the situation. A lot of what was said was old news (see previous blog posts for the info), yet still felt more like it all came about the day before. I have a feeling my wounds are still open, but still, that can't be helped. Jess kept going on and on about all this shit because she thought we hadn't finished. All I said was "We have fucking finished, you idiotic fool. You ended this argument the moment you threw that goddamn punch!" "But you..." "Who gives a flying fuck what I ain't done! You made your opinion crystal-fucking-clear at the fucking end of it!" The PCSO's came by then. They asked what was going on, and to keep it down, as I was disturbing the other shoppers. All I said to them was that there is no scene, except the one she was trying to make. I walked off, leaving her to explain things to that lot. I got a nice, shitty little text from her later that day. I haven't replied, don't want to waste the energy on some girl.

A couple of days later, things picked up rather nicely. It was my birthday, I had the next seven days off, and I had some long overdue meets to attend to. First things first, a lovely meal with the family. That included: my mum, her OH, my three brothers, my grandparents, my uncle and aunt and their four kids (I know, a big family!), which was insanely funny to say the least. Straight after that, ensue a very long, very drunk, piss up at my favourite bar. There were only about eight of us, myself and Sonia included, but I reckon that was more than enough of us to do the dirty. God, I was so far gone (which is rare), I honestly do not remember getting back home. The last thing I do remember is the kebab shop. They had dance playing out, I could not resist dancing about like an idiot. I do know of some video floating around somewhere, if I can get hold of it I'll post it up. Following day I back out for lunch, with Josi no less. It was great to see her at last. We spent the best part of three hours in that bar (the same one as yesterday), chatting away on absolutely everything and anything. It could of gone on so well, but she had a call out. Some family problem had come up. It was a shame, but we have found an evening free, so we will pick up from there. That night it was a house party at my flat with the group. No Sonia, as she had babysitting duty. Now there was a night worth remembering. All sorts happened. It was epic.

After that night, it was a five day climb down. It was that long because of my work had some live acts in, so I thought I'll head in. So that was basically it, minus a few illicit details which I'll go on at great length later. Until then guys.

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Too Many to Count

Now I have to say, as a young man about to hit his twenty's, that I can say what I am going to do with my life. But I can't. Life, for some reason or another, is being very fickle with me. As soon as something good has come up for me, it throws another spanner into the works. As strange as it is, I don't find it bad at all. In the contrary, it's rather liberating, to know that regardless of my ideals, I will always be dogged by something or rather.

So now is the time to explain a little bit about why I have insecurities over the three women in my life. The fact is, I was in a three year relationship with Jess. We had so much going, yet so much not. I mean, we share some massively good memories, like when the two of us ripped through Central London, making our way through every club from Soho to Camden we could find. Then there is others, like me screwing up, and then the whole street watching me crash and burn. At the end of it though, it all came to end quite spectacularly. We had this almighty row over a friend of mine I knew for years (not Sonia, thank God), whom was texting me a lot since she started working with me. Things got worse. All sorts of things started popping up. The times I couldn't make things like parties or do's, forgetting her at the airport, when I drunkenly snogged a girl at a club, and other tit bits. That was what made me mad, all of that stuff we done and dusted, closed the chapter, locked it way etc etc., yet she had the audacity to bring it all back up again. I thought, fuck that, enough is enough. I ended there and then. Cue punch to face. It shocked me, to feel a fist clocking my chin. I stood there, completely at a loss, this young woman, whom I have loved for the best part of three years, throwing a fist at me. I could do the only thing I could. I ran.

So there is the reason for my insecurities. It has given me so many questions now, none which I want to know the answer to. What doesn't help is that I have no perspective, no help I can rely on or go to. Though there is a little thing to help me through. Sonia and I are going for it, though on a slow path, as I still have some reservations about having a relationship in general. Also, Jessie and Josi are bugging me to meet with them. I am going to, but work and family conflict at the moment and I barely have enough time for myself. I'll just have to see how it goes for the time being.

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A Quick Sort of Thing...

Hey, I know I should do a proper post right now but I am really not in a state of mind to do so. So instead, I am going to give you a song. It's called The Only Way, by Gotye. It sort of says most of my thoughts at the moment. Until the time I can give you some meat to chew, please take this nice little starter. Thank you.

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Gotye - The Only Way


Calm down now baby
The end of the journey’s in sight
You’ve travelled so far love
Now all of the stars are aligned

Say goodbye (I don’t want to)
Don’t you fight (I don’t want to)
Leaving your life’s no easy ride

All the grief you gave
All the love you made
All your yesterdays
Everything you were
Will fade

This is the only way

All the things you thought
you came here for
Everything you thought
you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true

All the things you thought you had to say
Everyone you left along the way
So you gather how
Nothing matters now that your time is through

This is the only way

Goodbye, My Old Friend...

Today was my old friends funeral. He was cremated at the borough crematorium. It was a good turnout, many faces from his life were there. Friends, family, a lot of them. I was glad in a way, that he touched so many people one way or another.

So, as you can probably guess, I've been feeling a little withdrawn. I was happy to put on a charade to help his wife, but inside another piece of my heart died. I'm just reminded about all the others. Their lives, their deaths, funerals, as well as my old friend's. It's a long road, the one I'm on, and at every turn darkness overshadows any form of light in my life.

Though there is one thing that has popped up. My uncle has a tattoo on his right arm. It is all the names of those he has lost as well. It covers the length of his forearm, with seventeen names listed on his skin. It is a fitting tribute to those he lost, considering most of them he lost in combat.

I've decided to do the same. Each name marked on me, along with their years. I feel that I can carry such a thing on me. A reminder of those that I loved. I just hope that I can get it done tastefully.

Another thing has shocked me today. A long time friend and former battle brother called me not long after the funeral and asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed as I haven't had a good catch up with him in a while. So, we met at the usual place, bought a drink and sat down to chat. I originally thought that he had nothing else to do and thought that I could keep him company. I was wrong. He called to tell me that he was heading to prison for supplying drugs. I went mad, asking two hundred questions about where, when, how, why. He told me that he lost his job, and finding it hard to find another, so decided to do a little bit of dealing to keep his income in good order. Apparently someone tipped off the police, and they raided his flat in the morning a few months back. He has yet to be sentenced properly, but his lawyer reckons that, with the amount he was found with, it was a minimum of six months. He wanted us to meet as sort of a farewell drink. I couldn't complain about the idea. At least he was being honest. I asked him why he didn't asked for help, I would gladly give him some cash, or even let him move in. He said that he wanted to try and sort things out for himself. Well, it was his choice. I can only stand by him as a friend and an ally, whatever the circumstance.

Well that is basically the current events of my life so far. I am still indecisive to what I am going to do about Sonia. But it still early days, maybe it can be resolved soon.

-.AA.-

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Hello again. The past few days have been a bit hectic, so please excuse the gap in this one. Ever since that post I made last time, a great sadness has overwhelmed me. With helping to arrange the funeral, and trying to hold down everything else, I've taken a beating mentally. The fact is I am drained. My emotions are shot, my thoughts can't seem to stay on the same subject for too long. I am slowly losing my grip.

That was yesterday morning I wrote that. Today I am in greater spirits, to a certain point anyway. Sonia, the girl that has got back into contact recently, came over to my flat last night. She was unaware of my friends death. She wanted us to go out and slowly drink ourselves out. I wasn't in the mood at first. To be honest I just wanted to stay at home, listen to music and fall asleep. She weren't having none of it. She kept going on saying lets do it, let's do it, but I wanted to curl up. In the end she left to go to the shops. After about fifteen minutes she was back carrying all sorts of booze and food and films. She wouldn't budge until I agreed to have a drink with her. In the end I agreed, I thought maybe a drink would help me relax a little. In the end I was right, a couple of shorts later and I was having a wonderful time. We watched films, played games, chatted and for the first time in about six days, I had completely forgotten all thought of my problems. After a while, she asked me what has been happening to me the past few days. So I explained it. My friend, my thoughts, my emotional drain. She was shocked at the amount of things crossing my mind.

She gave me a piece of advice. 'Always share your yourself to those you trust, the weight of it all will seem like nothing.' It seems funny, that piece of advice, more or less, I gave to her years ago when she hit depression. Ironic, I have to say.

Anyhow, Things got hot and heavy between the two of us. The combination of booze and mutual feelings sort of spiralled out of control. We went upstairs for some intimacy. I guess I can say you know the rest.The following morning was the usual fare. The slight headache, the constant giggles, mass hunger and, of course, confusion, because now, since it is the second time we've slept together, I have not got a clue where these actions leaves us. Are we a couple? Or just 'very' close friends? Also, where does that leave me with the other two, Jessie and Josi? Josi was calling me today asking when are we going to meet up. I've arranged a meet with but I don't know where to take her. Will have to think about that. And Jessie! Well, she constantly popping up in my inbox. Funny jokes, general chit-chat (not a phrase which best describes it) I enjoy all the banter and wit we share, but we have still yet to meet up, and I am starting to think that maybe we would be better off as friends. I will have to face this certain dilemma at some point. I hope I can choose the best way to go.

-.AA.-

The Dead Part Of Me...

Today I realised that my life is in turmoil. Well, worse than I have thought. A friend of mine died today. He was an old fool, never listened to a word that anyone would say. But, in the breath, was as wise as they would come. He always would help me with my troubles, whether they were love, life, work, anything else that bothered the hell out of me. He would have the answer. Now, lung cancer has taken him. His wife was on the phone, in tears, telling me the news. It saddens me to think that now he has gone, my life is that more darker.

Nineteen years. It's a long time. To know someone that long is quite an achievement. Especially for me. Most of my closest people are already in the ground. Every grave, every visit, the initial funeral, constantly plays in my head when I'm not thinking about more pressing matters. Too many ghosts. Too many memories, good and bad. I'm too young, people have said, to have witnessed all of this. My annual rituals of visiting their sites would consume me. What they don't realise is that it gives perspective. Every single person that I have lost, every person that is written upon my skin, had a different relationship with me. An aunt, a nan, a best friend, a free lover, a father, a battle-brother, all lost to me in this life. Now my closest confidant has passed away. Seven people. All of them were good, now they are dead.

-.AA.-

Well...

Hello there. I was going to post yesterday but I had a few things to clear up. For example yesterday, it would have been my third year anniversary to the relationship that ended recently. At the thought of it I never gave her a name. Her name is Jess. Anyway, she was the reason for me not posting yesterday. I am so madly in love with her, and yet there is not a damn thing I can do about it. except maybe drink. Or smoke for that matter, but I don't want to numb these feelings, it gives me great pleasure, and sadness simultaneously, in remembering those last few years. The love, companionship, sex, all of that I love and miss greatly. I wish there was a change of heart on her part, but as the line goes, it's for the best.

I have to admit, I did cry last night, lying in bed. I wondered what she would be doing right now. Probably out enjoying herself as she won't have work the following day. I hate to say it but I can't move on. My heart won't let me, no matter what my head says, it will not budge. It comforts me though, knowing that I still hold a beacon of light for her. I don't know if she holds one for me, I doubt I will ever know.

I wish I could get some help on this, but I don't know if anyone can. There's no one I really know that can help me. It's painful to come to terms with this. Maybe I can get my love life sorted, maybe it will fall into place. one day.

I want to share a song with you. It is a song made by a band in Stockholm, Sweden. It's not a song that been 'released' like those you hear on the main radio stations, more like one of those songs that you come across when you aimlessly browse the web. Anyway here it is. The link for the song is below.

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Mental Issues - You

Where have you gone now?

You left me here all alone and i can't breath

Why did you let me down

All my thoughts of you will fade now

This feels so unreal

Why can't you let me wake up from this nightmare

I don't know what to believe

And this is all because of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now I'm done with you

This was the last time you let me down

I don't give a shit anymore

Why can;t you open your eyes and see

Why won't you listen now

It's my turn to speak up and put you down

I just wrote to say goodbye

I'm deleting the memories of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

A New Start of Sorts...

Hello

I am something of an enigma. I don't know why but that is how I feel. Now in my experience, enigmas don't have problems, but I do...it is strange though. For a man of my age and wisdom, it is completely irrational. I have three women in my life which I care completely. One is an old friend who has recently waltzed into my life after six years. Her name is Sonia. Another is a girl across the country who I have met online. She's Jessie. The final one is a mature woman who I also met on the Internet. Her name's Josi.

Sonia

Now Sonis is a girl I've grown up with for most of my teenage life. We loved, we fought, we drunk, experimented, and anything else that kids did. After my time was cut at the school we went to together, we lost contact for over six years. At first it was strange, not hearing her voice, goading me into drinking half a bottle of wine while spinning. Then as time passed, the memories faded. Then, a week ago, she contacts me, demanding I see her for lunch. So, after making arrangements, me met. It felt like I was a child again. All the laughing, chatting, and booze brought up a thousand memories from my past. Also, old flames burned deep inside my heart. Intoxicated, I took her home, where against better judgement, made love with her for the most part of the afternoon. For some reason, I don't know why but it felt like we have done this act for years, the positions, the adrenalin, old emotions lit up by the days intake. We parted that night to attend to whatever duties we had that night. I walked aimlessly around the town, smoking Panamas and stealing the smile of the Cheshire Cat.

Jessie

I've known Jessie for a few months now. She kind, quirky and hilariously funny when drunk. She's also insecure, under-confident, and in severe denial about herself. No matter how many times I, or anyone else says how good she looks to her, she will block it. It annoys me to hell that she pulls up these walls, and drives up the wall when she randomly says she is an ugly, fat cow. The thing is, heart bleeds for her. I was once the insecure one in the corner, scratching at anyone who comes close. I want to help her so much. For some reason, I melt at the sight of a girl like Jessie.

Josi

Josi is a difficult one to describe. thirty years my senior, she looks barely looks a day over twenty five. Like most girls her age, she could mother me like a newborn baby. But she has a side I've never experienced in my short life. She wants something that, if I had the chance, I would give it to her without question. The problem is that I know I have not got a chance in hell to give it to her, so I would never experience being something that she needs. Yet, I can't stop thinking about her. She has been on my mind for about half of my waking hours.

So this is my dilemma. Should I pursue the old flame? Become a pillar for Jessie? Or throw everything to try and become a part of the older woman's life. It's driving me mad. I know love and lust are two separate emotions, but I can't separate them. Another factor to this dilemma is that I've recently ended a three year relationship because the girl wanted to travel and do the things she wanted to do. I can't complain about it, but my heart still wants her next to me in my bed, to feel her by my side on the long walks, to be able to take her hand carry her over the threshold. It's a problem I cannot solve. My only other option is to walk away from it all and concentrate on the other important things in life. But I don't want to that, at least, my romantic side of me don't want to to say the least.

I fear this problem, whatever it's outcome, would change just about everything in my life to an extent. I don't want to allow my life hang in the balance of this, but I fear it has become an integral part of it.

That is all for now, I hope I can decide my fate soon.

-.AA.-