Now, as I sit here listening to Clash Magazine's new compilation set, it has suddenly dawned on me to write down a chapter in my life which, not only created the person I am now, but also showed me that some things in life are not able to be controlled.
But first, a rather short history lesson of my life before then. When I was born twenty years ago, I was thrown into a torrent of arguments, abuse, and violence. My father, typically, was an alcoholic. He used to knock me about after heavy drinking sessions down the pub. Mother dearest was an overly protective person. She smothered me love, and tried to protect me, and my brother, from the wastelands of the city. I knew nothing because of that.
When I first started primary, I immediately rebelled. I hated authority, and the authority hated me back. A basket case, apparently. A problem child with learning and behavioural difficulties. I couldn't be controlled. I was that kid that everyone hated, yet everyone didn't understand me. That was how things Went for a very long time. It wasn't until I was around eleven years old that it stepped up a gear. Now to be honest I wasn't a fighter, I was the hell-raiser of the classroom. I wouldn't do my work, I would throw things, steal, argue, anything to distract me from the interesting pieces of 'art' that covered the door or wall of the classroom. I was a bright kid, I just didn't have the common sense to prove it.
Then secondary school hit, and I knew things would get interesting. I had an older friend that told me high school was where the fun was. My first day there, I understood what he meant. I was beaten up by three boys on first break, and then I got the blame for it. It was ironic, as the authority told me I wouldn't be hurt, then they go ahead and give me the slap for the fight. Enjoyable I must say. It sort of went like for two and a half years. By then I was on edge, I was failing at school, I wouldn't listen to anyone, except for the year eleven group that took me under their wing. They were a lovely group, it's a shame I can't remember their names. Anyway, I was in a tech class working on a project, when some boy, who I've been fighting for a while, hit me round the back of the head with a wooden mallet. I responded with his face in a circular sander. I was expelled for that, and quite right too. No one should get away with that.
A few weeks later, I moved to my second high school. By now I was learned enough to know that I could both play the system, and the peers in my year. I was smoking by then, so asking for a light was a good ice-breaker. I started mixing in with, strangely enough, both sides of the year, the townies and the grungers. Both groups hated each other with a passion. It was so bad that even the teachers had a segregation system in place so that both sides couldn't fight each other in the class rooms. I sort of became a middle man between the groups, giving info and messages through the grapevines. There were two other that followed a similar rule. Both hated me from the off-set. About after a month after I started, one of them had a go at me for taking over what was essentially his only defence from a beating. I simply told him to fuck off. The boy stood there for a moment, visibly shaking. You could tell he was insecure, stuck with the knowledge that his world was crashing down. He threw a punch at me, trying to destroy his threat. I beat him down. The crowd that had gathered cheered, excitedly buzzing at the fact that this weedy little new boy took out that kid. I revelled in it, now knowing my place in the school was safe for a while.
I started to relax a little, but then the grunger half of the year collectively decided that I wasn't worthy of their companionship. A few of them got the jump on me in the main boy's toilets a few months later. I fought back, hoping that a townies I was close to, or even the authority, was coming through the door. Luckily a couple of townies came in. They joined me in taking them out. Need less to say, we got them Grungers are good with a row, but shit when it goes down to the battlefield.
Looking back at it I think that fight was the start of my decline. After becoming a fully fledged townie, I changed into a thus. I was constantly battling other people, gave the school a run for there money, even started on the booze and drugs.
As soon as I hit fifteen, the shit hit the fan. My final year of secondary school was going to start. I panicked, and decided that, since I was not the only one whose grades had slipped, start up a group within the townie side in order to try and keep myself in good nick. It worked to a point, a good group of us managed to pick up a few grades. I just had one thing to do before I left school.
The lad I fought nigh on two years ago was spreading shit about me, going on about I screwed some bird who was, shall we say, on the larger side. I couldn't have that hanging on my head, no fucking way. So I went looking for him, get him to apologise to me for turning that rumour mill on this piece of shit. The thing is, the bird he's been saying about in this rumour had been banging him since the start of year ten. Everyone knew about it, yet some arseholes thought it was funny to shout it out whenever I walked past. I eventually found him drifting around the P.E department. I didn't bother waiting around, I was too pumped.
Calling out his name, I shouted at him to confess that he was spreading the lie, and that he still holds a grudge against me for kicking his arse. He denied both of course, but I knew he was lieing After another five minutes of shouting, I gave up on the little prick, but when I turned away, he hit me square in the back of the head. Damn coward. I hate it when people do stupid things behind my back. I turned around and battered him. Hit after hit came pouring out. After I eventually finished beating him in front of half the school, I walked off. No words, nothing which showed my feelings at all.
Now, I don't know why that exact fight sticks out. but I think it showed to everyone I was in contact with on a near daily basis that I have turned cold. Well, when I say cold, I still have some feeling inside me, like when I beat that boy up, I felt the emotions. Rage, anger, exhilaration, pride even, yet I never showed it. It scared me when I first realised this, but then without that ability, I probably wouldn't of made it out of that school alive, or intact. Not long after that, I finished school, with some form of grades as well.
Everything now became a crawl. I got bored, so I wandered around the area, randomly meeting up with people I knew, and got drunk and high off cannabis. That went on for a good couple of months, and my life changed again.
I was sitting at a bus a stop in the pouring rain, when I met an acquaintance called Jimmy. A twenty one year old, with a kid and a girl, he was the most mature man I knew at the time. We started chatting away, as I hadn't seen him for a while , then he asked what I was up to, I said "Nothing much."
"Do you wanna come over for a drink?"
"Sure, why not?" And that was it, my ticket to my place in whatever world the dead sinners go was ready. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was going to be doing a lot more than drinking that night. We headed over to his, poured a glass of vodka and coke, sparked up and chatted. We went on about all sorts, games, tele, films, people, kids, whatever took our thoughts across.
After a while, Jimmy's phone went off. Whoever it was on the other end of the line, they were coming over, and they had friends. Jimmy and I poured another, and waited for these people to come over, since they had some booze and gear on them. When they got there, I couldn't believe it. Eleven of them waltzed in. They were an odd looking lot, all different walks and styles. When names were introduced, I tried hard not to laugh. They were: Shade, Arch, Geek, Pews, Tetron, LIl'Jim, Tame, Made, Kane, Intel, and Lady K.
Now Lady K stuck out in this motley crew. Blonde hair, curvy, gorgeous face, she was beautiful. Everyone else were, well, not unlucky in the looks department, but nothing special. I had to take a moment to realise that I hadn't even announced myself yet.
"My name is Azrael." Pews laughed. "And what's funny about that, mate?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing. I just know that name means, and also why is such a weedy thing like you has that name anyway?"
"Oh OK, it's just a name I found online. What does it mean?"
"It means Angel of Death." Damn, I wasn't expecting that one. I named myself after biblical character. Lovely. Still, I quite liked it though. There is a sense of poeticalness in it I think.
After that little discovery, the night wore on. Drink kept coming, and cigarettes kept burning. I slowly got to know the group, taking particular interest in Lady K and Tame. With Tame, he isn't the sort of man you would want to meet in a dark alley. Dark skinned, broad shoulders, and a fiery temper to match, the guy can rip a man's head clean off. Lady K on the other hand, she was a gentle soul. Caring and loving, yet the girl can party hard. We was chatting away when Intel got a call. After a short conversation, he hung up. "We got trouble."
“What's up mate?" Jimmy said.
"Some lads from North West are in the area causing shit. PU got fucked." Oh no. PU were known for holding their area like dogs. This meant trouble for my ends. Jimmy got up like a shot.
"Right guys, you know what this means. Tool up and get the cars. Az, come with me." I didn't have a clue what was going on, so I followed Jimmy into the kitchen. "Take these." He handed me a chef's knife and a cleaver.
"What the fuck are these for?"
"For fighting, obviously." Shit. I heard there were people in the area, carrying weapons to do their business with, I didn't realise it was this lot.
"Are you coming or what?" Jimmy was waiting by the front door.
"Er...yeah, I'm coming." We got to the cars, I jumped into the 206 with Jimmy. Shade, Tetron and Arch were in the back. Intel came running over.
"They're at Sainsbury Junction."
"Got ya, tell the others to get in quick." Jimmy responded. I then understood who this lot were. I heard rumours that a crew in the area were running the show. Somehow, I found the strength to ask Jimmy.
"Jimmy, are you lot the Dark Angels?" Shade, Arch and Tetron laughed. Jimmy looked at me, slight shock on his face.
"You heard about us?"
"Only rumours. No one knows who you lot are."
"OK...we'll talk about this later. In the mean time, get your bandanna on." We got to the junction in about five, maybe six minutes. The fight had already started. Everyone except those in in our car were in the thick of it.
"Azrael, you have a choice, pitch in or run. Your choice." I couldn't answer. How was I supposed to fight alongside this lot? It would be a joke. We got out of the car. Jimmy and the others ran in. I watched the carnage unfold. The Dark Angels and these North West lads were scrapping it out big time. Lil'Jim, with his white New Era hat stained in blood, fell to the ground, some black guy looming over him. I don't know what come over me, but I jumped in, punching the guy away. I pulled up Lil'Jim, and carried on hitting this boy. I completely forgot about the knives in my jacket. I can't remember the exact point but someone slashed me in the face. I reeled back, blood pouring from the cut. Something smacked me around the back of the head. I passed out.
I came to the following morning. A headache had surfaced. The cut under my eye stung, tape irritating my eyelid. I shifted slightly to feel where I was. A bed. Single. At least it weren't concrete. Music was playing somewhere. R'n'B. Hands were on my chest.
"You awake yet?" Said a voice. I opened my eyes to see Lady K there. I merely smiled. "You gave us a scare there, Az, we thought we lost you."
"Ugh. Where am I?" I groaned.
"My place. I said to Jimmy that I'll watch over you."
"'Kay. How's Lil'Jim?"
"He's fine. Shaken, but fine. Can you get up at all?" I tried to get up, but my head weren't having none of it. I laid back down, Lady K laughed. "Guess not then. Ha-ha." I felt a breeze, and realised my clothes were missing. I checked to see if my boxers were there. They were, luckily. "Your clothes are in the dryer. Got most of the blood out, but the stitching is orange on your jacket now."
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it. By the way Jimmy wants to see you later. He said to go round at eight."
"Why?"
"Not sure, we'll have to see." I think she was lieing to me at that point, the smile she gave sort of gave the game away. I managed to get up after a while, got dressed, and had a cup of tea. Me and Lady K sat in her room for most of the day, chatting away about random things, until I asked what happened after I got knocked out.
"Well, after you fell, Tame went mad, battering everyone in his way. Most of them scattered soon after. You wasn't the only one to go down. Geek got knifed pretty badly."
"Is he OK?"
"Yeah, he's fine. Shade's with him at the moment. She texted earlier saying Feds were questioning the shit out of them. Lil'Jim is pretty bruised up and all. Would of been worse if it weren't for you."
"That's good to hear."
"Come on, let's get to Jimmy." We made our way down to Jimmy's, which meant going past the junction. Police were on it big time, a white tent over the scene. I had to laugh. Funny how those damn killjoys weren't around the night before. After getting off the bus, which was a silent journey, round the corner from our destination, Lady K kissed me square on the mouth.
"Thank you Az, things could of gone worse than they did."
"Er...no problem." I wondered why she kissed me then, but I didn't have time to find out.
"Hey Azrael. How you feelin'?" Was Made's shout. Now Made was a strange guy. He came from a wealthy, well spoken family, educated, and had big plans. Yet he loved nothing more than being in the thick of it.
"Not too bad, facer hurts like hell though."
"Sweet." When we headed down to Jimmy's, he greeted us at the door. He seemed in good nick, as well as spirits.
"Az! K! Made! Good to see you guys are al-right." We headed inside to the house, bottles and cans of half-finished booze sitting around. Intel, Arch and Lil'Jim were there. As soon as Lil'Jim saw me he got up and hugged me.
"Cheers Azrael, you helped out big time last night."
"Erm...thanks mate." Was my muted response.
"OK guys, grab a seat." Jimmy called. We grabbed a seat each, Lady K beside me, her hand on my forearm. "So, Azrael, me and the guys have been thinking and we have decided that with what you did, we want you to be a part of us." I was in shock.
"You serious?"
"Yeah."
"Well...I think I can do that."
"Brilliant," Jimmy went on. "So, as per tradition, we are going to get smashed. But, one thing before we do, how did you know about us?"
"Well, a friend of mine saw you guys in action when my estate flared up a few months back. You know, when Lundy became a battlefield?"
"Oh, I remember that," Made said. "That shit was live!" The crew laughed.
And there it was. I earned my right to roll with this crew. I was...I don't know. Ecstatic, maybe. Nervous, definitely. It came as a surprise to me that this crew welcomed me. Yet, I didn't care. The thing is, if I knew what would happen later, I wouldn't of accepted the offer, yet I probably would be more socially aloof, as my GP puts it, and only would of dreamed of some of the shit that I've done since. Kind of a catch twenty two. I mean, I would of not felt shit like I do now, but won't be as wise as I am now.
-.AA.-
