Do You Know What?

Fuck it. Sometimes it takes too long in my life for me to care anymore. yet, at this moment in time, I do give a damn. Last month, I received word that my Grandma had passed away. As I was very close to her, closer than my mum in some respects, I felt completely at a loss. I lost the biggest influence in my world, and I can not turn to someone. That didn't help. Yet, if anything, I tried to keep it quiet, especially at college. I had work experience at the time, and I had to leave to help with the preparations. I was working alongside Ferdi, one of the guys that was on the course with me and took the same post as me for work experience, grilled the Team Leaders to why I weren't showing up. he already knew of my Grandma's previous stays at hospital, so when Benson, one of the Team Leaders, mentioned something about family issues, he twigged on. He called me the Friday after her death and said to me 'my condolences, mate, i hope you are coping.' Truth was, I weren't. I had time off college, I was progressively becoming recluse, and smoking more and more each day. Then the following Wednesday, I went into College. It was the day before and I only went in to grab some paperwork and have a chat to the Leaders. I took one step into the class, and everyone stopped to look at me. They knew by now, so it wasn't long before the period of awkwardness and mumbled apologies. I never get that, saying sorry to hear about death to someone. Anyway, The funeral came and went, a little revelation at a wake (apparently, the second-woman-I-have-ever-slept-with's mother grew up with my mother, both were army kids, who knew?), which surprised me, now my love life took a good turn.

Zoe, an old, younger friend from the Red Lion days, started up a relationship with a Toni's sister, Leigh. Then I found out from Toni, who is under the same roof as me, started sleeping with her behind Leigh's back. Now, me being me, saw opportunity in this situation, and I don't mean in a good way. I offered Zoe to come over for a drink between the two of us, to which she agreed. She came over, looking like she always does, tight clothes showing off near enough everything. We sat and reminisced over Apple Sourz and Stella. It's funny how much can come up from the past. Conversation moved on, and with the added courage of drink in me, ventured into her subject of her love life. She sighed for a moment, and told me the whole thing. Now, for the sake of simplicity, I'll give the basics. Her relationship with Leigh started up my chance, meeting at a house rave and hitting off from there. Soon came the meeting with Toni, and it changed again. Zoe said that every time she was with Leigh, she thought of Toni, and that included when the couple were fucking. So she started linking Toni on the sly when Leigh was elsewhere. And now she feels closer to Toni than she does Leigh, but she can't dump Leigh on that alone. Leigh takes after Toni in most respects, and that includes the self harm. Leigh, like Toni, falls for everyone she meets, so you can imagine the pain this girl has went through each and every time. Leigh said to me once before I met with Zoe that if she found out Zoe had been sleeping around, she would top herself. Same old story then.

A few drinks later, and the flirting starts. I tell Zoe about what I thought of her while we grew up, that girl who you know is going to be overtly sexual, but you know the label you would get if we slept together (There was a lot superficial-ness in those days, so image and respect counted). She laughed at that, and kissed me. I could not resist, She is insanely erotic, taking every opportunity to turn on every one in the room. Things moved quickly, ending up under the covers of my bed. the sex was good. She knew her way around a man's body, and quickly worked out what gave someone pleasure. I had a feeling she took control a lot during sex, pushing to do what she thought would be good. I didn't let her, taking charge myself and pleasured her in every way I knew. She was...impatient at times, wanting to work on me, but not getting anywhere. It's true what they about men being impatient lovers, but for a guy and an impatient woman to share a bed, well it's a different experience in itself really. Fighting to take control of the motions, dealing out the pleasure in ways that suits us best. It turned things into an exciting game.

We have been seeing each other more since then, both with the others about and in private. Only one person knows about the four way romance, and that is Stephen. He is my confidant in Chilton, so his wisdom on things help in my life. He warned me about getting involved with Zoe like that, being Toni's, and Leigh's, response to when their love interest is fucking other people. I respect his view, but I am not going to stop. I like seeing Zoe when I do, and anyhow, Toni and Leigh are too high all the time. Sounds selfish, I know, but like I said, fuck it. Got nothing to lose, ain't I?

Well, time for me to sort my life out. I shall return very soon.

-.AA.-

Freedom Comes At A Price

Three years ago I was part of a crew. We were tight at the time, doing nearly everything together. Partying, graffiti, fighting, all sorts. It was all a good laugh to me at the time, not really caring about looking for work, just living for the moment. Then at the beginning of May that year, I met Jess. As it were, we got extremely close, extremely quick, to the point where I barely saw the group I was with anymore. Then they accused me of stealing some audio equipment. I didn't. It all got slung about, accusations, people dropping my name into situations where I never even was near. It got ridiculous. It all went on for about a few weeks until I met them on the bus on my way to my Grandparent's house. I said hi out of courtesy, they kept quiet. After about ten minutes, I got off with Jess. Walking down the road, I felt my head jerk forward. I got a punch in the skull. I turned round to find them there running in. What was worse the the girls that they are with attacked Jess. We fought back though. They took a good knock until I dropped into the alley. I fell and bashed my head into a brick wall. I saw stars for a while, feeling them kick me in the midriff. I heard Jess fall onto the gravel. I opened my eyes long enough to see her face come into contact with a trainer.

I passed out from then on. I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came to I was being dragged up by Jess. About twenty minutes later, I was in an ambulance heading to hospital.

I cracked three ribs, fractured my jaw, broke all the metacarpal bones in my right hand, and had the prints of sixteen feet on my back. My confidence on a whole took a severe knock then. What didn't help was the police screwing up everything. I got them though. All of them, even the girls. They all landed prison/juvie for x amount of time plus fine plus ASBO.

The main reason this is alll coming up is that a) it's been almost two years since the court battle (wern't anything special), b) one of them was released Friday. I saw him, on his way to a train station. Sitting outside my local, smoke in hand, I watched him walk past. I laughed. I felt some satisfaction from him squirming his way past.

That's all for now. Goodnight guys.

-.AA.-

Too Many to Count

Now I have to say, as a young man about to hit his twenty's, that I can say what I am going to do with my life. But I can't. Life, for some reason or another, is being very fickle with me. As soon as something good has come up for me, it throws another spanner into the works. As strange as it is, I don't find it bad at all. In the contrary, it's rather liberating, to know that regardless of my ideals, I will always be dogged by something or rather.

So now is the time to explain a little bit about why I have insecurities over the three women in my life. The fact is, I was in a three year relationship with Jess. We had so much going, yet so much not. I mean, we share some massively good memories, like when the two of us ripped through Central London, making our way through every club from Soho to Camden we could find. Then there is others, like me screwing up, and then the whole street watching me crash and burn. At the end of it though, it all came to end quite spectacularly. We had this almighty row over a friend of mine I knew for years (not Sonia, thank God), whom was texting me a lot since she started working with me. Things got worse. All sorts of things started popping up. The times I couldn't make things like parties or do's, forgetting her at the airport, when I drunkenly snogged a girl at a club, and other tit bits. That was what made me mad, all of that stuff we done and dusted, closed the chapter, locked it way etc etc., yet she had the audacity to bring it all back up again. I thought, fuck that, enough is enough. I ended there and then. Cue punch to face. It shocked me, to feel a fist clocking my chin. I stood there, completely at a loss, this young woman, whom I have loved for the best part of three years, throwing a fist at me. I could do the only thing I could. I ran.

So there is the reason for my insecurities. It has given me so many questions now, none which I want to know the answer to. What doesn't help is that I have no perspective, no help I can rely on or go to. Though there is a little thing to help me through. Sonia and I are going for it, though on a slow path, as I still have some reservations about having a relationship in general. Also, Jessie and Josi are bugging me to meet with them. I am going to, but work and family conflict at the moment and I barely have enough time for myself. I'll just have to see how it goes for the time being.

-.AA.-

A Quick Sort of Thing...

Hey, I know I should do a proper post right now but I am really not in a state of mind to do so. So instead, I am going to give you a song. It's called The Only Way, by Gotye. It sort of says most of my thoughts at the moment. Until the time I can give you some meat to chew, please take this nice little starter. Thank you.

-.AA.-

Gotye - The Only Way


Calm down now baby
The end of the journey’s in sight
You’ve travelled so far love
Now all of the stars are aligned

Say goodbye (I don’t want to)
Don’t you fight (I don’t want to)
Leaving your life’s no easy ride

All the grief you gave
All the love you made
All your yesterdays
Everything you were
Will fade

This is the only way

All the things you thought
you came here for
Everything you thought
you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true

All the things you thought you had to say
Everyone you left along the way
So you gather how
Nothing matters now that your time is through

This is the only way

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Hello again. The past few days have been a bit hectic, so please excuse the gap in this one. Ever since that post I made last time, a great sadness has overwhelmed me. With helping to arrange the funeral, and trying to hold down everything else, I've taken a beating mentally. The fact is I am drained. My emotions are shot, my thoughts can't seem to stay on the same subject for too long. I am slowly losing my grip.

That was yesterday morning I wrote that. Today I am in greater spirits, to a certain point anyway. Sonia, the girl that has got back into contact recently, came over to my flat last night. She was unaware of my friends death. She wanted us to go out and slowly drink ourselves out. I wasn't in the mood at first. To be honest I just wanted to stay at home, listen to music and fall asleep. She weren't having none of it. She kept going on saying lets do it, let's do it, but I wanted to curl up. In the end she left to go to the shops. After about fifteen minutes she was back carrying all sorts of booze and food and films. She wouldn't budge until I agreed to have a drink with her. In the end I agreed, I thought maybe a drink would help me relax a little. In the end I was right, a couple of shorts later and I was having a wonderful time. We watched films, played games, chatted and for the first time in about six days, I had completely forgotten all thought of my problems. After a while, she asked me what has been happening to me the past few days. So I explained it. My friend, my thoughts, my emotional drain. She was shocked at the amount of things crossing my mind.

She gave me a piece of advice. 'Always share your yourself to those you trust, the weight of it all will seem like nothing.' It seems funny, that piece of advice, more or less, I gave to her years ago when she hit depression. Ironic, I have to say.

Anyhow, Things got hot and heavy between the two of us. The combination of booze and mutual feelings sort of spiralled out of control. We went upstairs for some intimacy. I guess I can say you know the rest.The following morning was the usual fare. The slight headache, the constant giggles, mass hunger and, of course, confusion, because now, since it is the second time we've slept together, I have not got a clue where these actions leaves us. Are we a couple? Or just 'very' close friends? Also, where does that leave me with the other two, Jessie and Josi? Josi was calling me today asking when are we going to meet up. I've arranged a meet with but I don't know where to take her. Will have to think about that. And Jessie! Well, she constantly popping up in my inbox. Funny jokes, general chit-chat (not a phrase which best describes it) I enjoy all the banter and wit we share, but we have still yet to meet up, and I am starting to think that maybe we would be better off as friends. I will have to face this certain dilemma at some point. I hope I can choose the best way to go.

-.AA.-

The Dead Part Of Me...

Today I realised that my life is in turmoil. Well, worse than I have thought. A friend of mine died today. He was an old fool, never listened to a word that anyone would say. But, in the breath, was as wise as they would come. He always would help me with my troubles, whether they were love, life, work, anything else that bothered the hell out of me. He would have the answer. Now, lung cancer has taken him. His wife was on the phone, in tears, telling me the news. It saddens me to think that now he has gone, my life is that more darker.

Nineteen years. It's a long time. To know someone that long is quite an achievement. Especially for me. Most of my closest people are already in the ground. Every grave, every visit, the initial funeral, constantly plays in my head when I'm not thinking about more pressing matters. Too many ghosts. Too many memories, good and bad. I'm too young, people have said, to have witnessed all of this. My annual rituals of visiting their sites would consume me. What they don't realise is that it gives perspective. Every single person that I have lost, every person that is written upon my skin, had a different relationship with me. An aunt, a nan, a best friend, a free lover, a father, a battle-brother, all lost to me in this life. Now my closest confidant has passed away. Seven people. All of them were good, now they are dead.

-.AA.-