Jasper...

The following piece was written by a friend of Lydia, Jasper. A good man, and a good writer, in my opinion. So, please enjoy a chapter of this man's life, and please, by all means leave a comment, critique, or general thoughts that you have about it. (Be warned, this is not a sexual piece, more of a history lesson like certain other posts I have made.)

-.AA.-

I was born and raised in the borough of Hillingdon. I had a fair upbringing but always resented my sisters as they were always able to be more independent and still are to this day. I had always dislike my oldest sister as she was very controlling and not in the bossy sister way. She would expect everything on a plate of gold and nothing less. Following constant arguments that usually end with me winning mentally and verbally but her winning by "telling dad". At the age of eleven, I had finally said I had had enough. I had planned to run away when the next family argument kicked up. I would slip out the back door and be off with enough camping gear and rations to last 2 months. I had this all packed for a good 3 weeks.

When the evening came and the usually "argument" kicked up I had had a go at the oldest for a good 3 hours. Everyone trying to calm me down I managed to slip up to my room "crying". I grabbed my stuff and managed to sneak to the back door. I had got to the door when Nicole (second oldest) saw me and my stuff and protested at once. I got on to the other side of the door in the nick of time locking them in and me out. I was planning to take the dune buggy up the back roads to Berkhampsted and stay there until I found a stable life. I had the keys to it in a carved out book in my room which I took with me under my arm. I got to the buggy and turned it to the gate. It had been pissing it down with rain and as I turned the key in the ignition I had a sinking feeling that I was going nowhere quickly. The battery had cut out and I was sitting on what was potentially a very expensive bench. With the buggy fucked and me at the edge of restraint, I was willing to do anything to get away. I ran to the gate and forced it open and as I had done so, my sister Nicole had grabbed me by the collar.

I turned round and ran through the house. I got to the front door my dad stepped in front of me. I begged him to stand aside and let me pass but no cigar. He wasn’t willing to let his only son run off into the night and end up dead in a forest some where. I admitted defeat and began to listen in to the argument that my oldest sister and mum where still continuing. I heard her call me a fuck wit and a pathetic cunt. As any one would, I lost it. At this point she would have been 20 so there was no need for her to be living with her parents and sponging off everyone. So passing through the kitchen, I drew out the biggest knife of the stock and held it to her face. I told her that if this is such a shit house to live in and that there was nothing here for her then why was she still here?

She responded to this by saying she had no where to go. I laughed so hard that my sides began to hurt. The fact that her best friend Cleo was more of a lapdog then an equal friend and that she had her eating out of her chubby palm made me sick, but this only shows that she had more places to go then me or then any of us. With out lowering the knife I bellowed into her face "find somewhere" she merely snarled back at me and told me to fuck off. This was the tip of the iceberg. With nothing but adrenalin rushing through my mind and soul I though that that night would be the end of it. She would have half her face missing and I would be locked up safely in Feltham.

Just as I tensed my arm to take a slice, my dad seemed to of noticed I wasn’t fucking around. He stepped in front of her and seemed to tower over me with disappointment. My heart sank as my arm went limp and I dropped the knife with an almighty clatter. I’ll never forget his face that night. The sheer fear of losing some one so close and at the fault of some one closer. I could tell that if I had left that night it would have damn near killed him.

As soon as the knife had hit the floor my mum seemed to whimper with relief. Nicole put a comforting hand on my shoulder as if to say that tonight was over and that I had failed. I could imagine that Sarah (the oldest) still to this day believes that she had managed to beat the spirit out of me by twisting the rules and regulations of the house. Defeated, I took and shower and cried to my self in bed. Dad feeling the most sympathy came and stayed till I had fallen asleep.

In the morning school seemed too dull and as my emotions were running higher then cloud nine, I ended up getting into a fisty-cuffs with a boy called Gareth. I seemed to of vented all my anger out on this arrogant, self-centered cunt of a child as he probably reminded me of my sister. After six of his mates ripping me off and a knee to the throat I went down. Gareth (who had gone down after about 3 hits to the stomach) staggered to his feet and walked away with his "gang". I still hadn’t quite got my breath back when the girl I had liked at that moment saw me on the floor gasping for air and Gaz’s crew walking off and had assumed the worst. Within the hour half the school had heard how Gareth had battered the scrawny white neek and that he was a bad man.

So, the next day I was playing football with my mates and who would it be but to take the ball? Gareth, and this time on his own. Chasing him to the next playground, I slammed him against the fence and kicked the ball out of his feet with unnecessary force. He seemed to take the hint and shoved me back

I turned to him and merely smiled and he threw the first punch. Dodging it I clocked him right in the face, had got him in a head lock and pummeled him black and blue. Only when he screamed did his mates intervene. As I flung him to the ground and kicked 7 different shades of shit out of him, his sidekick Gregory had rugby tackled me from behind. Shocked, I looked around and received yet another cheap hit to the throat. Teachers soon broke everything up as I began to hyperventilate. Being dragged off to the nurse's office is always a triumphant exit as he was still on the floor groaning with agony.

-.AA.-

No Retreat, No Surrender...

I have fought many foes in my lifetime, and have overcome some impossible odds, but the one battle that tested me to the limits was the battle of Harlington fields. It was a grey afternoon, a short time after Guy Fawkes night I believe and the promise of rain seemed distant. I was visiting relatives near the park, where my crew waited. I spent quite a time there, talking mainly family gossip and past incidents. I left there after a few questioning texts off of Jimmy. I hit the field and crossed to where they were, smoking local grade and sharing a bottle of gin. We sat there for a while, organising our plans for the night, until Tetron noticed a small group of local hoods at the other end of the field. We ignored them, carrying on with the conversation at hand. I kept glancing back at them, weary of unknown crews near us. A car pulled up near them, and a few more kids joined them. Then more cars pulled up, spewing more hoods. This wasn't looking good. The others noticed it as well, so we started to pack up and head towards the side entrance. But we couldn't pass. Several more guys blocked our route out. Intel mentioned something about entrapment. I knew what he meant. It has been known when one crew has been outflanked by rivals, and were nigh on slaughtered. Hell, even the Angels used such tactics before. We headed back the way we came, trying for the main entrance of the park. The now larger group were heading towards us. Shit, I thought. I made a heada count of the gang heading up. Roughly thirty of them, not including the group at the side entrance, to our  thirteen. I was not liking the look of it and said as much to Jimmy. He agreed, and spoke to the group as a whole.

"Angels, pull your blades, this is going to be a messy fight."

We did. The gang, coming from both sides now, were boxing us in. In front of us, we had the bulk of the enemy, to the right, the rest of them. To the back and left, a thick, tall hedgerow and stell security fencing. The crew that faced us stopped at the wooden fence surrounding the children's playground we took refuge in. One of them spoke to us, and I knew the guy as Charlie, the main who Intel and I done a disposal job for a few weeks back.

"We want Azrael. Give us him, and we let you go free."

"And if we don't?" Arch shouted out.

"You will die."

"Fuck you! You ain't having him!" Made replied, holding his cleavers ready.

"Then so be it," Charlie said, pulling a switch blade from his pocket. "Get them!"

They Charged us, climbing over the fencing and rushing through the gate. As they were after me, the Angels formed a defensive ring around me, but it wasn't enough. A few broke through the protection, swinging their weapons at me. I ducked out, rolling on the floor, rising up and slashing at a groin. Blood poured, a man's screams roared out. I rose up to stand, punching the other attacker to the floor. I slammed my boot into his neck, and turned to face another. He carried an axe, swinging the heavy blade for my head. I dodged again, aiming a stab for his gut. It connected, driving deep into his stomach. Pulling out, I looked for K in the onslaught. I saw her fall, a tyre iron clipping her head. I saw red from there, and went into a frenzy. I jumped onto her attacker, slashing and stabbing at him. I took him down, turning on anyone who dared to get at me.

I can't remember much else, the rest of the battle being a blur. I remember flashes of steel, blood spray splashing  on my leather jacket, an axe I picked up, cutting into a leg. The screams of those that were down, both theirs and the Angels. A glass bottle stabbing at my face, nicking my chin. Tame body, never been felled in a fight before, dropping at the slash of a cleaver. Lil'Jim tackling a guy, while Tetron stuck a knife in the opponents chin. It felt like hours, slashing, stabbing, punching kicking, anything to repel the attack. They never gave up, pushing us further towards the corner. Bodies were everywhere, many writhing in pain, some weren't.

I locked eyes on Charlie, and I lunged for him, swinging for his neck. He parried, slashing his switch blade at my back. I felt the steel cut through my jacket, opening skin, drawing blood. I roared in pain, but kept going. The image of K dropping burned in my mind, my anger, my hate, every emotion boiling it's way out. I threw the axe I had found at him, and it connected with his arm, digging into his wiry frame. He fell, screaming at the site of his blood. I looked around, hoping for another target. There weren't any.

Out of every person that was in the fight, only six remained, including me. Four Angels, two attackers. The last two were soon dropped, and I called for the four still standing, Arch, Tetron, and Lil'Jim, to grab the others. I found Lady K, out cold from the blow to the head. I grabbed her, picking her up and slinging her over my shoulder. Tame, dazed from the blood loss, trying to stand. I pulled him to his feet, telling him to find the others that fell. We rounded up the others, grabbing anything else that we could find. Weapons mainly, some ours, many of them theirs, plus a few valuables that were scattered during the battle. I stopped at the sight of Charlie, trying to make phone call. I rested K on Arch's shoulder, and said to everyone to head for the cars. I went over to Charlie, kicking his phone away.

"What do you want from me?" I asked him, my venom clear for him to see.

"You destroyed my brother, you cunt!"

"What? When?" I had my foot on his bad arm, applying pressure when I said those words. He yelped in pain.

When we last met, you prick! You broke his back! He can't walk any more!"

"So you wanted blood? Huh, fair enough. I you want it, then here it is." I wiped my finger across my cut chin. I wiped it across his face, eye to lip.

"Here's your blood." I kicked him in his face, knocking him out. I jogged back to the others, taking K on my shoulder, and lifting a bloody Jimmy up to support his weakened frame. He went to speak but I silenced him.

"We will talk when we get to safety."

We got to the cars, piling the wounded into the back seats. Arch and Lil'Jim drove us back to Jimmy's place. The ride was quiet, no one wanted to say anything. We got there, carried the wounded out into the living room. We looked a sorry state. Everyone bore wounds, blood spatter covered our clothing. I got Tetron to help me work on the more serious wounded. It took a while, binding wounds, stitching those that wee too open to leave. It was well into the night by the time I had finished, and I desperately needed a drink. I went out into the garden, and Jimmy was there, resting from the work I had dome on his face. He had cuts all over his face, plus a deep wound in his forearm. He was smoking a cigarette, and offered me one when I sat down with my glass of water I grabbed.

"Colin, what the fuck was that about?" I hated it when he calls me by my real name.

"Remember the job me and Intel done a few nights back? Well, the guy we got the gear from wanted revenge for me breaking his brother's back."

"You what?"

"yeah, That whole mess, all that blood spilt today, was in the name of family honour."

"Fuck, and he pulled that many people? Damn, he must be popular."

"Well, there are big families out in Harefield, I wouldn't be surprised if they were related to him in some way or form."

"Hmm, could just well be."

I finished my cigarette in silence, allowing the adrenaline rush that flowed through my body for the best part of the day. I didn't stop moving for a good eight hours, trending to wounds, checking the others out for any other  injuries. I still hadn't woken up yet, and I was getting worried. So I went back in to the living room, and check on my Lady. Her face, covered in blood, looked so peaceful at that moment. I gently shook her, hoping for a sign. She stirred, and I felt relief. She started, her version of events coming into focus. She looked around at the familiar surroundings, seeing the Angels, tattered and torn from the fight. She looked at me, holding a cloth to wipe her face with. She smiled, taking the cloth to clean up.

"Ouch, my head hurts."

"You took a blow to the head babe, I almost lost you out there."

"Oh, how's the others?"

"They're OK, a lot of them are out of it, but they'll live."

"Hmm, you been playing doctor ain't you?"

"Well, you were out of action, someone had to."

"Nice one. You done good Az, and thank you for all that you done tonight."

"Heh, no problem."

I gave her a kiss and told her to rest up. She obliged, though it took a while. She's the mothering type, making sire everyone else is good before her. I checked on the others, carried a few upstairs so they had somewhere more comfortable to rest in, and went down to clear up, and go through what we had found. A few axes, more knives and blades, a bit of cash from the wallets we got, a few phones, and some jewellery. Other than that, not a lot. I went out to check on Jimmy. He fell asleep on the chair. I left him to it. I went back to the living room. Everyone else was asleep too. I sat next to a sleeping K, and dropped myself.

Running A Job

I reached Intel's flat about thirty minutes before the time he asked. I waited around a bit, smoking a cigarette (I bought a pack of tailor-made smokes since I cleaned out the pouch of rolling tobacco I had that day), listening to the radio. I buzzed Intel's flat on the panel by the door. Intel picked up.

“That you Az?”

“Yeah it's me.” He buzzed me through, the lock on the door in front of me clicking open.

Intel was a shady little character. He got his name due to his network of contacts all around the borough, plus he was good at tracking. Word had it his father was ex-SAS, so it didn't surprise me that his senses were tuned so highly. He never said much when the group was together, speaking only when he needed to, normally about some trouble that's gone down.

I reached the door to his flat, three floors up the block. He had left it open, something he rarely does. Must be busy, I thought to myself when I crossed the threshold.

“Intel?” I called out.

“In the living room, Az.” Came his reply. I found him hunched over the coffee table, tapping at his laptop. “You're early, mate.”

“I know, I always am.”

“True that.”

“So, what's your problem?”

He turns around in his seat. “Earlier today, I got a call from a friend of mine in Ruislip, he has been saying that he's got a load of gear to shift, and that he needs help from us.”

“What sort of gear?”

“Hardware, mainly tools, and few bags of grade on top.”

“If that's all, then why call us?”

“Because it's hot.” Here we go, I thought. We get to play mule to some fucker who's done a raid out there, and somehow slipped up.

“Is this a favour, or a job?”

“A job, of course. He wants us to meet up with him at Hare's Field, you know the park opposite the pub?”

“Yeah I know the place.”

“Good, go grab a few blades from the kitchen, just in case something goes wrong.” I went into the kitchen, picking up the big ones out of the pot. “Oh, and grab a beer for me please, you can have one too.” I pulled two beers from the fridge, cracking them open with the bottle opener on my key chain. I head back into the living room, and set the blades down on the table. I passed Intel his beer and took a seat next to him.

We waited for a good couple of hours, not really saying a lot. I was texting K, swapping steamy messages about what we want to do to each other when we would be alone next. Intel was still on his laptop, feverishly tapping away at the keyboard. He was working on some Word document, I didn't know what it was about. I checked the time on the clock. It was 10:30pm, well into the evening.

“When is this guy going to ring?” I asked Intel.

“He said that he will ring when he gets there, he didn't say anything about what time though.”

“Oh, OK then.” I was getting bored, plus the texts from Lady K were giving me the horn. Five minutes later, the call came through. Intel spoke on the phone for a few minutes, then clicked out.

“It's time mate.” He said to me. We headed out to the car, an old 205. Intel had the engine tweaked to give it an extra push. We made our way to Hare's Field in relatively light traffic, so progress was quick. We got to the park where we arranged to meet. Intel called him on the phone. After a quick conversation, he hung up.

“Come, let's move.” Intel said. We got out of the car, and walked into the field. Something didn't feel right, I thought, yet as with all things like this, I'm always a bit paranoid. We found the guy on the far side of the field, near a clump of bushes.

“Charlie, how are ya?” Intel said to the guy.

“I'm alright, just need top get this gear moved. Who's this guy?”

“The name's Azrael mate.” I replied.

“Uh-huh, OK.”

“Where's the gear Charlie?” Intel popped in.

“In the bag, Intel.” Charlie chucks the bag to Intel, who goes through it. He frowns slightly, pulling out a hammer from the backpack.

“Mate, this hammer's stained. You didn't tell me that it was used.” Intel said.

“I didn't think I needed to, I just thought you wanted to know what was in it, not if it was used.” Charlie responded.

“Well, it's gonna cost you extra Charlie, otherwise I ain't doing it.”

“What the fuck do you mean by that?”

“£100 extra, or the deal is off.”

“Fuck off! I ain't doing that! That would mean £500 I would have to pay!”

“Take it or leave it mate, or we walk.”

“Oh, fine then.” He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket, counting out the notes. He offers it to Intel, who refuses.

“Give it to Az, he's holding it.” I take the cash, and stash it in an inside pocket.

“Sweet, now we are off mate, watch yourself Charlie.” Intel said.

“Alright then, see you about mate. Safe Azrael.”

“Safe mate.” I replied.

We broke off in different directions, Charlie heading towards the bus stop, us towards the car. Even though the deal was done, I still felt uneasy about my surroundings, and I was right. A brick flew into Intel's face, knocking him out. I look round, and I see three guys running up. I pull out the blades I was carrying, shouting at Intel to get up. He wasn't responding.

“Ah fuck it!” I shouted. “Come on you cunts!” The first one reached me, a screwdriver in his right hand. I dodged his swing, slashing at his leg. I missed, so I turned around and stabbed his stomach. The guy fell, a yelp of pain escaping his lips. The others reached me at the same time, one had a brick, the other a thin pole. I blocked the brick, pain searing up my arm. The thwack of the pole stung my back. I kicked out, connecting with the pole-wielder's shin. I head butted the other guy with the brick, and swung at his neck. I connected this time, and blood seeped from the gash. He stumbled back, desperately trying to hold the wound. I turned around to face my other opponent, who had grabbed the screwdriver from his fallen comrade. He threw the pole at me, missing me by an inch, and charged at me. I dodged him, and plunged the blade into his back. I felt the blade, which was a chef's knife, hit bone. He fell, screaming in pain.

I picked up Intel, who was still unconscious, and dragged him to the car. I threw him in the passenger seat, pulling his keys from his jacket. I jumped into the driver's seat, starting up the engine. I pulled away from the park, and drove down towards the estate. I got out my phone, pulling up Jimmy's number. It rang, then he picked up.

“Hey, Az, what's up?”

“Jim, shit's kicked off mate, Intel is in a bad way, I'm heading to yours now.”

“Kicked off? What the fuck has been going on?”

“Intel arranged a job, and asked me to come along with him. The deal went fine, but we got jumped on the way back to the car. He got a brick to the face, and I got hit a few times.”

“What about the guys that jumped you?”

“I dealt with them, what else could I do?”

“Ah shit. Alright, get to mine, I'll call K to get her arse over here.”

“OK, I'll see you in a bit.”

The drive over took around ten, maybe fifteen minutes, reaching Jimmy's around the same time as Lady K did. Intel was still under, blood dripping from his nose, which looked shattered. K helped me get him inside. Jimmy opened his door, letting us through. He took the car keys from me, so he could get the car in the drive. I laid Intel over the dining table, K started working on his face. His nose was broken, so K set it straight. That woke Intel up.

“AHH! What the fuck was...how the fuck...what happened Az?”

“We got jumped Intel. You took a brick to the face. I dealt with the guys that attacked us.”

“You see Charlie anywhere?”

“No, last I saw him, he was heading to a bus stop.”

“OK. Ah fuck it woman! Watch your hands!”

“Sorry Intel,” K said. “Let me patch this up, and you should be good.”

“OK, thanks.”

“Don't mention it.”

I headed into the living room, and sat with Jimmy. He started questioning me about what the deal was. I explained the deal, showing him the cash I was given by Charlie.

“Damn, £500?! just for the gear?”

“Yeah, and it's disposal, by the sounds of it.”

“Sounds about right, I'm surprised Intel took you out with that one, he normally has Tame or Shade with him on those jobs.”

“Guess it was my lucky day then mate.” Jimmy laughed at that.

“Come Az, let's get you a beer.”

We went into the kitchen, the sounds of K working on Intel's nose being heard clearly. Damn, I never heard so many sexist things being said in a space of ten minutes. K stayed silent, trying her hardest to fix that nose. Jimmy grabbed two beers from the fridge, throwing me one. I took it, opened it, and drank deeply. I needed it, the adrenaline in my body was giving me the shakes. I went over to the toilet to have a look at my back. Angry red marks covered the middle of it. I had to swear, I felt the pain from the wounds for the first time since the attack. Gonna have to get K to look at that, I thought to myself.

“You OK in there, Az?” I heard Jimmy call out to me.

“Yeah I'm fine,” I replied. I noticed that Intel's shouting had stopped. “Everything OK in there?”

“Yeah, he's patched up now, need anything looked at?” Lady K said.

“Erm...nah, I'm alright.”

I headed back out to the kitchen, the other three already there. Intel held out his bottle. “Thank you, mate, I'm glad I called you now.”

I clinked my bottle with his. “It's alright Intel, shit happens.”

“Sweet, do you have the cash?” Intel gingerly touches his nose.

“Yeah,” I said, chucking the wad of notes on the table. “So now what?”

“Well, Intel will do his usual dumping run later on, but for now, who fancies a curry?” Jimmy said. Trust him to come up with that. That night ended quietly, mainly conversation on the night's events being the main theme. Later, we found out who jumped us in the field that night. Some minor crew that, apparently, attacks anyone they don't recognise. Usual younger attitude to people. This little incident, though, did shed some light on the state of play at home. Rumour was that several of the younger elements of the area were going far beyond what the likes of us would do normally. Attacks on the elderly and random house raids were becoming commonplace. That piece of information alone worried me. Those in my generation did a lot to get things into some natural order, now 'Renegades', as Tame affectionately called them, were abusing that. Still, at least there were distractions to it, like my relationship to K, for instance. Things got intense between quite quickly, so it isn't hard imagine what happened between us. Nearly a month passes almost without incident, with the exception of Arch and Kane getting arrested while out on the tiles one night. Apparently, Kane started arguing with some random bloke over a drink, and Arch jumped in, then they started fighting. Cue the police. They got slapped on the wrists for it and moved on. A month on, and things took a turn for the worse.

Two Weeks On...

Two weeks later, my role within the crew was quickly decided. Since I had no commitments, in a sense, I was glued to Jimmy's side. That was fine with me, he supplied me with whatever I needed. Whether it would be smokes, drugs or alcohol, I had a constant supply. In a way I didn't like using him like this, but he pushed my objections away.

“Your are valued to me, Az. I have to make sure you're in good nick, eh?”

I wasn't entirely sure of what he meant by that. If he wanted me in good nick, why didn't he cut the line? I mean, my intake of the stuff should destroy me, constantly consuming more than enough alcohol to kill a horse in a week. Still, didn't mean that it was all fun and games. We had shit to deal with. There had been a lot of...disturbances lately, and that concerned me. My area was a quiet one, at best, things only flared up the summer months. It was November, and a cold one at that.

“Fiends never sleep.” That was Tetron's motto. I think he was a bit of a philosopher, always coming with a quote or two at random moments. Tetron. He was a wizened old fool, in my opinion, always with the quotes, always on the scotch. He reminded me of a pissed monk, at times. I remember the old priest I see on school trips to the local church back when I was a child. The two acted so alike it was uncanny. He had a thing for kicks as well, so he was a sort of Buddhist monk in a way. At least he weren't a preacher, like Pews. True to his name, he was a devout Catholic, and wore his cross with pride. He would read a bible passage out loud every day, whether or not of it's relevance. If it weren't for his love of hoods and tracksuits, I'm sure he would wear the collar. God only knows.

One Saturday night, during what seemed to be a regular piss up at Jimmy's, most of the crew were in full raving mode. The music was loud, the cocktails strong, and the pounding headache I had that night would just not stop. I took refuge in the 'Stone Shed', a wooden hut at the back of the garden. I sat in a deck chair, and rolled up another joint. At least it helped, to a point. I had put the Hi-Fi on a station which mellow music was the order of the day. Love songs and chilled grooves, just what I needed. There was a knock on the door.

“Az, you in there?” It was Lady K.

“Come in.”

Lady K swooned in, her favourite tipple in one hand, two glasses in the other.

“Jimmy was wondering where you had got to, so I thought I would take a look around.”

“With a bottle of vodka and a couple of glasses? Looking to get me drunk darling?” She merely giggled, filling the glasses up and handing one out to me. I took it, and set it on the table, picking up the beer bottle in the process.

“So, hows your face?”

“not too bad, still twinges when I laugh though.”

“That just means that your still alive. Oh, Intel wanted to know if you wanted that Nokia he's got.”

“Uh huh, I'll chat to him about that tomorrow. Can't be arsed with business right now.”

“Fair enough.”

We sat in silence for a while, the laughs of the others drifting across from the house. I took a moment to take concept of the situation I was in. Here sat a beautiful, if drunk, girl who, according to Intel, had a thing for me, and here sat me feeling at my shittest. It didn't look good to me, plus the Joints I had been self medicating on weren't having the effect I needed. K was fiddling with her phone. Texting, by the look of it. I let her on, not really in the mood for conversation.

“Az.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you like me?”

“what do you mean?”

“as in 'I want to be in bed with you' sort of like.”

Erm....hell yes! was my first thought, but I wasn't an arse, so I took something a little conservative.

“Well...yeah, I do.”

“Really?! Then why haven't you said something? Every other wank-stain I come across always try and pull me, yet your the first bloke I know who hasn't. How come?”

“Because I ain't a wank-stain, love.”

“oh.”

Hmm, nice. I get a 'oh' for not trying. Real fucking nice.

“What about you? DO you like me?”

She giggles slightly, fiddling with the zip of the hoodie she was wearing. “I suppose so, I mean you impressed me the night we first met. And you have been a nice guy to me. I've never known anyone willing like you before.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you're always on the road, picking up this and that, doing favours for those fuckers without any question. And yet, you never expect anything in return.”

“well maybe I should start charging then.” I said with a chuckle. She laughs too and leans in to kiss me on the cheek. I turned my face at just the right moment, her lips touching mine. She pulls away, then comes back for more. I replied with a kiss back, and soon we were all over each other. She climbs on top me, straddling my legs. I wrap my arms around her waist, hands feeling their way around her back. She pulls the shoulders of top away from mine, and reaches down to pull my t-shirt up. I started undressing her, pulling at her zip.

Suddenly K pulls away, throwing her hood on the other chair “DO you want me, Azrael Angel?”

“I do.”

“then come here.”

I stand up from my seat, reach for her. I pull her into my arms, noticing the smell of her perfume. I could fell hands underneath my top. I felt her breath against the crook of my neck. She tugged at my shirt, and I lifted my arms. Topless, I slid the straps of her vest down her arms. She threw my tee to the side, and went for the buckle on her jeans.

Damn, I thought, this girl really does like me. I reached for the clasp on her bra, snapping it away. I've known this girl for two weeks now, and I was about to share a 'bed' with her. I couldn't help but smile.

“What're you smiling at?”

“Oh nothing, babe.” I kiss her passionately, her returning the favour. I felt the weight of my jeans slip away, and a cool breeze wafting against my legs. I was unusually warm that night, but I weren't complaining. I lowered her jeans, and reached for her. I could tell of her excitement, and that got me going too. I hooked the straps of her thong, and pulled gently on them. She had her hand against my crotch, and smiled.

“Mmm, someone's in a good mood.”

“That maybe,” I said, and lowered her body to the floor. “At least the feeling is mutual.” She giggles at that, slips her hand inside the elastic of my boxers.

The following morning, I emerged from the Shed to have a smoke. Lady K was on the floor, resting on the leather jacket I owned, her hood covering her modesty. I closed the door, and went to the house to get a coffee. The carnage of last was evident all over the semi, bottles and cans peppered the scene. Tame's dark mass enveloped the arm chair he slept in. Arch, bless her soul, had collapsed on the dining table. There were noises coming from the kitchen, so I went in.

“Good morning Az.” Jimmy welcomed.

“Morning, good night?” I returned, putting the kettle on. HE nodded. “Cuppa?” I asked.

“yeah go on then. Toast?”

“Erm... yeah, please.”

“two slices?”

“No, four.”

“Four?”

“Yeah, K's out back in the Shed.”

“Oi oi, get lucky then, mate?”

“maybe,” I said with a smile.

“You cheeky bugger!” Jimmy laughed. That was the thing with Jimmy, calling someone cheeky whenever they get lucky, never minded it though. I think he liked the gossip.

“so, go on, what happened?”

“TO be honest, what happened between me and K is gonna stay that way Jim.”

“Not even a rating?!”

“Not even that.”

“Damn, must have been good then.” I had to laugh at that, he was good at clocking on to things. TO tell you the truth I did tell him what happened a few days later, but by then everyone knew, so it wasn't really a big secret.

“where's everyone else?” I asked.

“oh, here there and everywhere.”

“same as usual then, eh?”

“yeah, something like that.”

I finished up the coffee, making enough for Jim, K and myself, and stubbed the cigarette in an ashtray. Jimmy had just finished making the toast so I grabbed a plate and went out back. WE sat on the patio furniture, lighting up a cigarette. I noticed Pews in corner, huddled up to a beer bottle.

“That guy is strange one.”

“who?” Jimmy asked.

“Pews, sat over there with a bottle for a bed mate.”

We both laughed. I heard music coming from the Shed. “K must be awake.” I said, and got up to see her. She was getting her clothes on. I opened the door and went in. She looked up in shock, then realised it was me.

“Oh, hey, where'd you go?”

“Get a bit to eat and have a smoke. Got you a bit too.”

“Oh, sweet, thanks babe.” And leaned in and kissed me. I kissed back, taking hold of her. She held me back, and stood there for a moment and enjoyed each other. It was passionate kiss. She wandered around my lower back, nails stroking my skin.

“Oi, you two love birds gonna come out and eat? Or are you let the toast get cold?” Jimmy shouted out. K and I laughed.

We got out after moment more, then joined Jimmy at the table. We sat and had a cigarette, and caught up with last night's events. Seems Kane had a bit of mad one, doing all sorts of drinking games with Tetron, who's a good holder of his drink. Kane was apparently passed out in the bath, after being sick a few times. Guy's a nut-job. He was always doing stupid shit like that. Excellent little joker though. Always joking around, even though he went to a bit of the extreme sometimes.

Geek got lucky and all. Seems he got a bit frisky with Shade's younger sister, Tam. Tam's a funny one. Not part of the group per-sé, but around whenever we got a session going on. Still, seems everyone had a good night. This group is always together, no matter what. Some of them work and that, but whenever they are off we are forever meeting up.

It takes a lot to be a part of the Angels, as you will see soon. However, it weren't all just blood and lust, but there was a hell of a lot of it in there.

-.AA.-

My Life From Birth to the Dark Angels

Now, as I sit here listening to Clash Magazine's new compilation set, it has suddenly dawned on me to write down a chapter in my life which, not only created the person I am now, but also showed me that some things in life are not able to be controlled.

But first, a rather short history lesson of my life before then. When I was born twenty years ago, I was thrown into a torrent of arguments, abuse, and violence. My father, typically, was an alcoholic. He used to knock me about after heavy drinking sessions down the pub. Mother dearest was an overly protective person. She smothered me love, and tried to protect me, and my brother, from the wastelands of the city. I knew nothing because of that.

When I first started primary, I immediately rebelled. I hated authority, and the authority hated me back. A basket case, apparently. A problem child with learning and behavioural difficulties. I couldn't be controlled. I was that kid that everyone hated, yet everyone didn't understand me. That was how things Went for a very long time. It wasn't until I was around eleven years old that it stepped up a gear. Now to be honest I wasn't a fighter, I was the hell-raiser of the classroom. I wouldn't do my work, I would throw things, steal, argue, anything to distract me from the interesting pieces of 'art' that covered the door or wall of the classroom. I was a bright kid, I just didn't have the common sense to prove it.

Then secondary school hit, and I knew things would get interesting. I had an older friend that told me high school was where the fun was. My first day there, I understood what he meant. I was beaten up by three boys on first break, and then I got the blame for it. It was ironic, as the authority told me I wouldn't be hurt, then they go ahead and give me the slap for the fight. Enjoyable I must say. It sort of went like for two and a half years. By then I was on edge, I was failing at school, I wouldn't listen to anyone, except for the year eleven group that took me under their wing. They were a lovely group, it's a shame I can't remember their names. Anyway, I was in a tech class working on a project, when some boy, who I've been fighting for a while, hit me round the back of the head with a wooden mallet. I responded with his face in a circular sander. I was expelled for that, and quite right too. No one should get away with that.

A few weeks later, I moved to my second high school. By now I was learned enough to know that I could both play the system, and the peers in my year. I was smoking by then, so asking for a light was a good ice-breaker. I started mixing in with, strangely enough, both sides of the year, the townies and the grungers. Both groups hated each other with a passion. It was so bad that even the teachers had a segregation system in place so that both sides couldn't fight each other in the class rooms. I sort of became a middle man between the groups, giving info and messages through the grapevines. There were two other that followed a similar rule. Both hated me from the off-set. About after a month after I started, one of them had a go at me for taking over what was essentially his only defence from a beating. I simply told him to fuck off. The boy stood there for a moment, visibly shaking. You could tell he was insecure, stuck with the knowledge that his world was crashing down. He threw a punch at me, trying to destroy his threat. I beat him down. The crowd that had gathered cheered, excitedly buzzing at the fact that this weedy little new boy took out that kid. I revelled in it, now knowing my place in the school was safe for a while.

I started to relax a little, but then the grunger half of the year collectively decided that I wasn't worthy of their companionship. A few of them got the jump on me in the main boy's toilets a few months later. I fought back, hoping that a townies I was close to, or even the authority, was coming through the door. Luckily a couple of townies came in. They joined me in taking them out. Need less to say, we got them Grungers are good with a row, but shit when it goes down to the battlefield.

Looking back at it I think that fight was the start of my decline. After becoming a fully fledged townie, I changed into a thus. I was constantly battling other people, gave the school a run for there money, even started on the booze and drugs.

As soon as I hit fifteen, the shit hit the fan. My final year of secondary school was going to start. I panicked, and decided that, since I was not the only one whose grades had slipped, start up a group within the townie side in order to try and keep myself in good nick. It worked to a point, a good group of us managed to pick up a few grades. I just had one thing to do before I left school.

The lad I fought nigh on two years ago was spreading shit about me, going on about I screwed some bird who was, shall we say, on the larger side. I couldn't have that hanging on my head, no fucking way. So I went looking for him, get him to apologise to me for turning that rumour mill on this piece of shit. The thing is, the bird he's been saying about in this rumour had been banging him since the start of year ten. Everyone knew about it, yet some arseholes thought it was funny to shout it out whenever I walked past. I eventually found him drifting around the P.E department. I didn't bother waiting around, I was too pumped.

Calling out his name, I shouted at him to confess that he was spreading the lie, and that he still holds a grudge against me for kicking his arse. He denied both of course, but I knew he was lieing After another five minutes of shouting, I gave up on the little prick, but when I turned away, he hit me square in the back of the head. Damn coward. I hate it when people do stupid things behind my back. I turned around and battered him. Hit after hit came pouring out. After I eventually finished beating him in front of half the school, I walked off. No words, nothing which showed my feelings at all.

Now, I don't know why that exact fight sticks out. but I think it showed to everyone I was in contact with on a near daily basis that I have turned cold. Well, when I say cold, I still have some feeling inside me, like when I beat that boy up, I felt the emotions. Rage, anger, exhilaration, pride even, yet I never showed it. It scared me when I first realised this, but then without that ability, I probably wouldn't of made it out of that school alive, or intact. Not long after that, I finished school, with some form of grades as well.

Everything now became a crawl. I got bored, so I wandered around the area, randomly meeting up with people I knew, and got drunk and high off cannabis. That went on for a good couple of months, and my life changed again.

I was sitting at a bus a stop in the pouring rain, when I met an acquaintance called Jimmy. A twenty one year old, with a kid and a girl, he was the most mature man I knew at the time. We started chatting away, as I hadn't seen him for a while , then he asked what I was up to, I said "Nothing much."

"Do you wanna come over for a drink?"

"Sure, why not?" And that was it, my ticket to my place in whatever world the dead sinners go was ready. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was going to be doing a lot more than drinking that night. We headed over to his, poured a glass of vodka and coke, sparked up and chatted. We went on about all sorts, games, tele, films, people, kids, whatever took our thoughts across.

After a while, Jimmy's phone went off. Whoever it was on the other end of the line, they were coming over, and they had friends. Jimmy and I poured another, and waited for these people to come over, since they had some booze and gear on them. When they got there, I couldn't believe it. Eleven of them waltzed in. They were an odd looking lot, all different walks and styles. When names were introduced, I tried hard not to laugh. They were: Shade, Arch, Geek, Pews, Tetron, LIl'Jim, Tame, Made, Kane, Intel, and Lady K.

Now Lady K stuck out in this motley crew. Blonde hair, curvy, gorgeous face, she was beautiful. Everyone else were, well, not unlucky in the looks department, but nothing special. I had to take a moment to realise that I hadn't even announced myself yet.

"My name is Azrael." Pews laughed. "And what's funny about that, mate?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing. I just know that name means, and also why is such a weedy thing like you has that name anyway?"

"Oh OK, it's just a name I found online. What does it mean?"

"It means Angel of Death." Damn, I wasn't expecting that one. I named myself after biblical character. Lovely. Still, I quite liked it though. There is a sense of poeticalness in it I think.

After that little discovery, the night wore on. Drink kept coming, and cigarettes kept burning. I slowly got to know the group, taking particular interest in Lady K and Tame. With Tame, he isn't the sort of man you would want to meet in a dark alley. Dark skinned, broad shoulders, and a fiery temper to match, the guy can rip a man's head clean off. Lady K on the other hand, she was a gentle soul. Caring and loving, yet the girl can party hard. We was chatting away when Intel got a call. After a short conversation, he hung up. "We got trouble."

“What's up mate?" Jimmy said.

"Some lads from North West are in the area causing shit. PU got fucked." Oh no. PU were known for holding their area like dogs. This meant trouble for my ends. Jimmy got up like a shot.

"Right guys, you know what this means. Tool up and get the cars. Az, come with me." I didn't have a clue what was going on, so I followed Jimmy into the kitchen. "Take these." He handed me a chef's knife and a cleaver.

"What the fuck are these for?"

"For fighting, obviously." Shit. I heard there were people in the area, carrying weapons to do their business with, I didn't realise it was this lot.

"Are you coming or what?" Jimmy was waiting by the front door.

"Er...yeah, I'm coming." We got to the cars, I jumped into the 206 with Jimmy. Shade, Tetron and Arch were in the back. Intel came running over.

"They're at Sainsbury Junction."

"Got ya, tell the others to get in quick." Jimmy responded. I then understood who this lot were. I heard rumours that a crew in the area were running the show. Somehow, I found the strength to ask Jimmy.

"Jimmy, are you lot the Dark Angels?" Shade, Arch and Tetron laughed. Jimmy looked at me, slight shock on his face.

"You heard about us?"

"Only rumours. No one knows who you lot are."

"OK...we'll talk about this later. In the mean time, get your bandanna on." We got to the junction in about five, maybe six minutes. The fight had already started. Everyone except those in in our car were in the thick of it.

"Azrael, you have a choice, pitch in or run. Your choice." I couldn't answer. How was I supposed to fight alongside this lot? It would be a joke. We got out of the car. Jimmy and the others ran in. I watched the carnage unfold. The Dark Angels and these North West lads were scrapping it out big time. Lil'Jim, with his white New Era hat stained in blood, fell to the ground, some black guy looming over him. I don't know what come over me, but I jumped in, punching the guy away. I pulled up Lil'Jim, and carried on hitting this boy. I completely forgot about the knives in my jacket. I can't remember the exact point but someone slashed me in the face. I reeled back, blood pouring from the cut. Something smacked me around the back of the head. I passed out.

I came to the following morning. A headache had surfaced. The cut under my eye stung, tape irritating my eyelid. I shifted slightly to feel where I was. A bed. Single. At least it weren't concrete. Music was playing somewhere. R'n'B. Hands were on my chest.

"You awake yet?" Said a voice. I opened my eyes to see Lady K there. I merely smiled. "You gave us a scare there, Az, we thought we lost you."

"Ugh. Where am I?" I groaned.

"My place. I said to Jimmy that I'll watch over you."

"'Kay. How's Lil'Jim?"

"He's fine. Shaken, but fine. Can you get up at all?" I tried to get up, but my head weren't having none of it. I laid back down, Lady K laughed. "Guess not then. Ha-ha." I felt a breeze, and realised my clothes were missing. I checked to see if my boxers were there. They were, luckily. "Your clothes are in the dryer. Got most of the blood out, but the stitching is orange on your jacket now."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it. By the way Jimmy wants to see you later. He said to go round at eight."

"Why?"

"Not sure, we'll have to see." I think she was lieing to me at that point, the smile she gave sort of gave the game away. I managed to get up after a while, got dressed, and had a cup of tea. Me and Lady K sat in her room for most of the day, chatting away about random things, until I asked what happened after I got knocked out.

"Well, after you fell, Tame went mad, battering everyone in his way. Most of them scattered soon after. You wasn't the only one to go down. Geek got knifed pretty badly."

"Is he OK?"

"Yeah, he's fine. Shade's with him at the moment. She texted earlier saying Feds were questioning the shit out of them. Lil'Jim is pretty bruised up and all. Would of been worse if it weren't for you."

"That's good to hear."

"Come on, let's get to Jimmy." We made our way down to Jimmy's, which meant going past the junction. Police were on it big time, a white tent over the scene. I had to laugh. Funny how those damn killjoys weren't around the night before. After getting off the bus, which was a silent journey, round the corner from our destination, Lady K kissed me square on the mouth.

"Thank you Az, things could of gone worse than they did."

"Er...no problem." I wondered why she kissed me then, but I didn't have time to find out.

"Hey Azrael. How you feelin'?" Was Made's shout. Now Made was a strange guy. He came from a wealthy, well spoken family, educated, and had big plans. Yet he loved nothing more than being in the thick of it.

"Not too bad, facer hurts like hell though."

"Sweet." When we headed down to Jimmy's, he greeted us at the door. He seemed in good nick, as well as spirits.

"Az! K! Made! Good to see you guys are al-right." We headed inside to the house, bottles and cans of half-finished booze sitting around. Intel, Arch and Lil'Jim were there. As soon as Lil'Jim saw me he got up and hugged me.

"Cheers Azrael, you helped out big time last night."

"Erm...thanks mate." Was my muted response.

"OK guys, grab a seat." Jimmy called. We grabbed a seat each, Lady K beside me, her hand on my forearm. "So, Azrael, me and the guys have been thinking and we have decided that with what you did, we want you to be a part of us." I was in shock.

"You serious?"

"Yeah."

"Well...I think I can do that."

"Brilliant," Jimmy went on. "So, as per tradition, we are going to get smashed. But, one thing before we do, how did you know about us?"

"Well, a friend of mine saw you guys in action when my estate flared up a few months back. You know, when Lundy became a battlefield?"

"Oh, I remember that," Made said. "That shit was live!" The crew laughed.

And there it was. I earned my right to roll with this crew. I was...I don't know. Ecstatic, maybe. Nervous, definitely. It came as a surprise to me that this crew welcomed me. Yet, I didn't care. The thing is, if I knew what would happen later, I wouldn't of accepted the offer, yet I probably would be more socially aloof, as my GP puts it, and only would of dreamed of some of the shit that I've done since. Kind of a catch twenty two. I mean, I would of not felt shit like I do now, but won't be as wise as I am now.

-.AA.-

Freedom Comes At A Price

Three years ago I was part of a crew. We were tight at the time, doing nearly everything together. Partying, graffiti, fighting, all sorts. It was all a good laugh to me at the time, not really caring about looking for work, just living for the moment. Then at the beginning of May that year, I met Jess. As it were, we got extremely close, extremely quick, to the point where I barely saw the group I was with anymore. Then they accused me of stealing some audio equipment. I didn't. It all got slung about, accusations, people dropping my name into situations where I never even was near. It got ridiculous. It all went on for about a few weeks until I met them on the bus on my way to my Grandparent's house. I said hi out of courtesy, they kept quiet. After about ten minutes, I got off with Jess. Walking down the road, I felt my head jerk forward. I got a punch in the skull. I turned round to find them there running in. What was worse the the girls that they are with attacked Jess. We fought back though. They took a good knock until I dropped into the alley. I fell and bashed my head into a brick wall. I saw stars for a while, feeling them kick me in the midriff. I heard Jess fall onto the gravel. I opened my eyes long enough to see her face come into contact with a trainer.

I passed out from then on. I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came to I was being dragged up by Jess. About twenty minutes later, I was in an ambulance heading to hospital.

I cracked three ribs, fractured my jaw, broke all the metacarpal bones in my right hand, and had the prints of sixteen feet on my back. My confidence on a whole took a severe knock then. What didn't help was the police screwing up everything. I got them though. All of them, even the girls. They all landed prison/juvie for x amount of time plus fine plus ASBO.

The main reason this is alll coming up is that a) it's been almost two years since the court battle (wern't anything special), b) one of them was released Friday. I saw him, on his way to a train station. Sitting outside my local, smoke in hand, I watched him walk past. I laughed. I felt some satisfaction from him squirming his way past.

That's all for now. Goodnight guys.

-.AA.-

While I Think About It...

As a precaution to any further posts I make, I would like to point out that a lot of the shit that has happened to me will contain some graphic content. Like when my last image of the day I was hospitalised by a group I knew, was Jess getting a boot to the face...

I won't be doing a long-arse post tonight as I am hanging. I'll try to do one tomorrow if I have the time.

Night Y'all x

-.AA.-

Too Many to Count

Now I have to say, as a young man about to hit his twenty's, that I can say what I am going to do with my life. But I can't. Life, for some reason or another, is being very fickle with me. As soon as something good has come up for me, it throws another spanner into the works. As strange as it is, I don't find it bad at all. In the contrary, it's rather liberating, to know that regardless of my ideals, I will always be dogged by something or rather.

So now is the time to explain a little bit about why I have insecurities over the three women in my life. The fact is, I was in a three year relationship with Jess. We had so much going, yet so much not. I mean, we share some massively good memories, like when the two of us ripped through Central London, making our way through every club from Soho to Camden we could find. Then there is others, like me screwing up, and then the whole street watching me crash and burn. At the end of it though, it all came to end quite spectacularly. We had this almighty row over a friend of mine I knew for years (not Sonia, thank God), whom was texting me a lot since she started working with me. Things got worse. All sorts of things started popping up. The times I couldn't make things like parties or do's, forgetting her at the airport, when I drunkenly snogged a girl at a club, and other tit bits. That was what made me mad, all of that stuff we done and dusted, closed the chapter, locked it way etc etc., yet she had the audacity to bring it all back up again. I thought, fuck that, enough is enough. I ended there and then. Cue punch to face. It shocked me, to feel a fist clocking my chin. I stood there, completely at a loss, this young woman, whom I have loved for the best part of three years, throwing a fist at me. I could do the only thing I could. I ran.

So there is the reason for my insecurities. It has given me so many questions now, none which I want to know the answer to. What doesn't help is that I have no perspective, no help I can rely on or go to. Though there is a little thing to help me through. Sonia and I are going for it, though on a slow path, as I still have some reservations about having a relationship in general. Also, Jessie and Josi are bugging me to meet with them. I am going to, but work and family conflict at the moment and I barely have enough time for myself. I'll just have to see how it goes for the time being.

-.AA.-

A Quick Sort of Thing...

Hey, I know I should do a proper post right now but I am really not in a state of mind to do so. So instead, I am going to give you a song. It's called The Only Way, by Gotye. It sort of says most of my thoughts at the moment. Until the time I can give you some meat to chew, please take this nice little starter. Thank you.

-.AA.-

Gotye - The Only Way


Calm down now baby
The end of the journey’s in sight
You’ve travelled so far love
Now all of the stars are aligned

Say goodbye (I don’t want to)
Don’t you fight (I don’t want to)
Leaving your life’s no easy ride

All the grief you gave
All the love you made
All your yesterdays
Everything you were
Will fade

This is the only way

All the things you thought
you came here for
Everything you thought
you knew for sure
No meandering
No more wondering
Everything is true

All the things you thought you had to say
Everyone you left along the way
So you gather how
Nothing matters now that your time is through

This is the only way

Goodbye, My Old Friend...

Today was my old friends funeral. He was cremated at the borough crematorium. It was a good turnout, many faces from his life were there. Friends, family, a lot of them. I was glad in a way, that he touched so many people one way or another.

So, as you can probably guess, I've been feeling a little withdrawn. I was happy to put on a charade to help his wife, but inside another piece of my heart died. I'm just reminded about all the others. Their lives, their deaths, funerals, as well as my old friend's. It's a long road, the one I'm on, and at every turn darkness overshadows any form of light in my life.

Though there is one thing that has popped up. My uncle has a tattoo on his right arm. It is all the names of those he has lost as well. It covers the length of his forearm, with seventeen names listed on his skin. It is a fitting tribute to those he lost, considering most of them he lost in combat.

I've decided to do the same. Each name marked on me, along with their years. I feel that I can carry such a thing on me. A reminder of those that I loved. I just hope that I can get it done tastefully.

Another thing has shocked me today. A long time friend and former battle brother called me not long after the funeral and asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed as I haven't had a good catch up with him in a while. So, we met at the usual place, bought a drink and sat down to chat. I originally thought that he had nothing else to do and thought that I could keep him company. I was wrong. He called to tell me that he was heading to prison for supplying drugs. I went mad, asking two hundred questions about where, when, how, why. He told me that he lost his job, and finding it hard to find another, so decided to do a little bit of dealing to keep his income in good order. Apparently someone tipped off the police, and they raided his flat in the morning a few months back. He has yet to be sentenced properly, but his lawyer reckons that, with the amount he was found with, it was a minimum of six months. He wanted us to meet as sort of a farewell drink. I couldn't complain about the idea. At least he was being honest. I asked him why he didn't asked for help, I would gladly give him some cash, or even let him move in. He said that he wanted to try and sort things out for himself. Well, it was his choice. I can only stand by him as a friend and an ally, whatever the circumstance.

Well that is basically the current events of my life so far. I am still indecisive to what I am going to do about Sonia. But it still early days, maybe it can be resolved soon.

-.AA.-

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Hello again. The past few days have been a bit hectic, so please excuse the gap in this one. Ever since that post I made last time, a great sadness has overwhelmed me. With helping to arrange the funeral, and trying to hold down everything else, I've taken a beating mentally. The fact is I am drained. My emotions are shot, my thoughts can't seem to stay on the same subject for too long. I am slowly losing my grip.

That was yesterday morning I wrote that. Today I am in greater spirits, to a certain point anyway. Sonia, the girl that has got back into contact recently, came over to my flat last night. She was unaware of my friends death. She wanted us to go out and slowly drink ourselves out. I wasn't in the mood at first. To be honest I just wanted to stay at home, listen to music and fall asleep. She weren't having none of it. She kept going on saying lets do it, let's do it, but I wanted to curl up. In the end she left to go to the shops. After about fifteen minutes she was back carrying all sorts of booze and food and films. She wouldn't budge until I agreed to have a drink with her. In the end I agreed, I thought maybe a drink would help me relax a little. In the end I was right, a couple of shorts later and I was having a wonderful time. We watched films, played games, chatted and for the first time in about six days, I had completely forgotten all thought of my problems. After a while, she asked me what has been happening to me the past few days. So I explained it. My friend, my thoughts, my emotional drain. She was shocked at the amount of things crossing my mind.

She gave me a piece of advice. 'Always share your yourself to those you trust, the weight of it all will seem like nothing.' It seems funny, that piece of advice, more or less, I gave to her years ago when she hit depression. Ironic, I have to say.

Anyhow, Things got hot and heavy between the two of us. The combination of booze and mutual feelings sort of spiralled out of control. We went upstairs for some intimacy. I guess I can say you know the rest.The following morning was the usual fare. The slight headache, the constant giggles, mass hunger and, of course, confusion, because now, since it is the second time we've slept together, I have not got a clue where these actions leaves us. Are we a couple? Or just 'very' close friends? Also, where does that leave me with the other two, Jessie and Josi? Josi was calling me today asking when are we going to meet up. I've arranged a meet with but I don't know where to take her. Will have to think about that. And Jessie! Well, she constantly popping up in my inbox. Funny jokes, general chit-chat (not a phrase which best describes it) I enjoy all the banter and wit we share, but we have still yet to meet up, and I am starting to think that maybe we would be better off as friends. I will have to face this certain dilemma at some point. I hope I can choose the best way to go.

-.AA.-

The Dead Part Of Me...

Today I realised that my life is in turmoil. Well, worse than I have thought. A friend of mine died today. He was an old fool, never listened to a word that anyone would say. But, in the breath, was as wise as they would come. He always would help me with my troubles, whether they were love, life, work, anything else that bothered the hell out of me. He would have the answer. Now, lung cancer has taken him. His wife was on the phone, in tears, telling me the news. It saddens me to think that now he has gone, my life is that more darker.

Nineteen years. It's a long time. To know someone that long is quite an achievement. Especially for me. Most of my closest people are already in the ground. Every grave, every visit, the initial funeral, constantly plays in my head when I'm not thinking about more pressing matters. Too many ghosts. Too many memories, good and bad. I'm too young, people have said, to have witnessed all of this. My annual rituals of visiting their sites would consume me. What they don't realise is that it gives perspective. Every single person that I have lost, every person that is written upon my skin, had a different relationship with me. An aunt, a nan, a best friend, a free lover, a father, a battle-brother, all lost to me in this life. Now my closest confidant has passed away. Seven people. All of them were good, now they are dead.

-.AA.-

Well...

Hello there. I was going to post yesterday but I had a few things to clear up. For example yesterday, it would have been my third year anniversary to the relationship that ended recently. At the thought of it I never gave her a name. Her name is Jess. Anyway, she was the reason for me not posting yesterday. I am so madly in love with her, and yet there is not a damn thing I can do about it. except maybe drink. Or smoke for that matter, but I don't want to numb these feelings, it gives me great pleasure, and sadness simultaneously, in remembering those last few years. The love, companionship, sex, all of that I love and miss greatly. I wish there was a change of heart on her part, but as the line goes, it's for the best.

I have to admit, I did cry last night, lying in bed. I wondered what she would be doing right now. Probably out enjoying herself as she won't have work the following day. I hate to say it but I can't move on. My heart won't let me, no matter what my head says, it will not budge. It comforts me though, knowing that I still hold a beacon of light for her. I don't know if she holds one for me, I doubt I will ever know.

I wish I could get some help on this, but I don't know if anyone can. There's no one I really know that can help me. It's painful to come to terms with this. Maybe I can get my love life sorted, maybe it will fall into place. one day.

I want to share a song with you. It is a song made by a band in Stockholm, Sweden. It's not a song that been 'released' like those you hear on the main radio stations, more like one of those songs that you come across when you aimlessly browse the web. Anyway here it is. The link for the song is below.

-.AA.-

Mental Issues - You

Where have you gone now?

You left me here all alone and i can't breath

Why did you let me down

All my thoughts of you will fade now

This feels so unreal

Why can't you let me wake up from this nightmare

I don't know what to believe

And this is all because of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now I'm done with you

This was the last time you let me down

I don't give a shit anymore

Why can;t you open your eyes and see

Why won't you listen now

It's my turn to speak up and put you down

I just wrote to say goodbye

I'm deleting the memories of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

A New Start of Sorts...

Hello

I am something of an enigma. I don't know why but that is how I feel. Now in my experience, enigmas don't have problems, but I do...it is strange though. For a man of my age and wisdom, it is completely irrational. I have three women in my life which I care completely. One is an old friend who has recently waltzed into my life after six years. Her name is Sonia. Another is a girl across the country who I have met online. She's Jessie. The final one is a mature woman who I also met on the Internet. Her name's Josi.

Sonia

Now Sonis is a girl I've grown up with for most of my teenage life. We loved, we fought, we drunk, experimented, and anything else that kids did. After my time was cut at the school we went to together, we lost contact for over six years. At first it was strange, not hearing her voice, goading me into drinking half a bottle of wine while spinning. Then as time passed, the memories faded. Then, a week ago, she contacts me, demanding I see her for lunch. So, after making arrangements, me met. It felt like I was a child again. All the laughing, chatting, and booze brought up a thousand memories from my past. Also, old flames burned deep inside my heart. Intoxicated, I took her home, where against better judgement, made love with her for the most part of the afternoon. For some reason, I don't know why but it felt like we have done this act for years, the positions, the adrenalin, old emotions lit up by the days intake. We parted that night to attend to whatever duties we had that night. I walked aimlessly around the town, smoking Panamas and stealing the smile of the Cheshire Cat.

Jessie

I've known Jessie for a few months now. She kind, quirky and hilariously funny when drunk. She's also insecure, under-confident, and in severe denial about herself. No matter how many times I, or anyone else says how good she looks to her, she will block it. It annoys me to hell that she pulls up these walls, and drives up the wall when she randomly says she is an ugly, fat cow. The thing is, heart bleeds for her. I was once the insecure one in the corner, scratching at anyone who comes close. I want to help her so much. For some reason, I melt at the sight of a girl like Jessie.

Josi

Josi is a difficult one to describe. thirty years my senior, she looks barely looks a day over twenty five. Like most girls her age, she could mother me like a newborn baby. But she has a side I've never experienced in my short life. She wants something that, if I had the chance, I would give it to her without question. The problem is that I know I have not got a chance in hell to give it to her, so I would never experience being something that she needs. Yet, I can't stop thinking about her. She has been on my mind for about half of my waking hours.

So this is my dilemma. Should I pursue the old flame? Become a pillar for Jessie? Or throw everything to try and become a part of the older woman's life. It's driving me mad. I know love and lust are two separate emotions, but I can't separate them. Another factor to this dilemma is that I've recently ended a three year relationship because the girl wanted to travel and do the things she wanted to do. I can't complain about it, but my heart still wants her next to me in my bed, to feel her by my side on the long walks, to be able to take her hand carry her over the threshold. It's a problem I cannot solve. My only other option is to walk away from it all and concentrate on the other important things in life. But I don't want to that, at least, my romantic side of me don't want to to say the least.

I fear this problem, whatever it's outcome, would change just about everything in my life to an extent. I don't want to allow my life hang in the balance of this, but I fear it has become an integral part of it.

That is all for now, I hope I can decide my fate soon.

-.AA.-