Do You Know What?

Fuck it. Sometimes it takes too long in my life for me to care anymore. yet, at this moment in time, I do give a damn. Last month, I received word that my Grandma had passed away. As I was very close to her, closer than my mum in some respects, I felt completely at a loss. I lost the biggest influence in my world, and I can not turn to someone. That didn't help. Yet, if anything, I tried to keep it quiet, especially at college. I had work experience at the time, and I had to leave to help with the preparations. I was working alongside Ferdi, one of the guys that was on the course with me and took the same post as me for work experience, grilled the Team Leaders to why I weren't showing up. he already knew of my Grandma's previous stays at hospital, so when Benson, one of the Team Leaders, mentioned something about family issues, he twigged on. He called me the Friday after her death and said to me 'my condolences, mate, i hope you are coping.' Truth was, I weren't. I had time off college, I was progressively becoming recluse, and smoking more and more each day. Then the following Wednesday, I went into College. It was the day before and I only went in to grab some paperwork and have a chat to the Leaders. I took one step into the class, and everyone stopped to look at me. They knew by now, so it wasn't long before the period of awkwardness and mumbled apologies. I never get that, saying sorry to hear about death to someone. Anyway, The funeral came and went, a little revelation at a wake (apparently, the second-woman-I-have-ever-slept-with's mother grew up with my mother, both were army kids, who knew?), which surprised me, now my love life took a good turn.

Zoe, an old, younger friend from the Red Lion days, started up a relationship with a Toni's sister, Leigh. Then I found out from Toni, who is under the same roof as me, started sleeping with her behind Leigh's back. Now, me being me, saw opportunity in this situation, and I don't mean in a good way. I offered Zoe to come over for a drink between the two of us, to which she agreed. She came over, looking like she always does, tight clothes showing off near enough everything. We sat and reminisced over Apple Sourz and Stella. It's funny how much can come up from the past. Conversation moved on, and with the added courage of drink in me, ventured into her subject of her love life. She sighed for a moment, and told me the whole thing. Now, for the sake of simplicity, I'll give the basics. Her relationship with Leigh started up my chance, meeting at a house rave and hitting off from there. Soon came the meeting with Toni, and it changed again. Zoe said that every time she was with Leigh, she thought of Toni, and that included when the couple were fucking. So she started linking Toni on the sly when Leigh was elsewhere. And now she feels closer to Toni than she does Leigh, but she can't dump Leigh on that alone. Leigh takes after Toni in most respects, and that includes the self harm. Leigh, like Toni, falls for everyone she meets, so you can imagine the pain this girl has went through each and every time. Leigh said to me once before I met with Zoe that if she found out Zoe had been sleeping around, she would top herself. Same old story then.

A few drinks later, and the flirting starts. I tell Zoe about what I thought of her while we grew up, that girl who you know is going to be overtly sexual, but you know the label you would get if we slept together (There was a lot superficial-ness in those days, so image and respect counted). She laughed at that, and kissed me. I could not resist, She is insanely erotic, taking every opportunity to turn on every one in the room. Things moved quickly, ending up under the covers of my bed. the sex was good. She knew her way around a man's body, and quickly worked out what gave someone pleasure. I had a feeling she took control a lot during sex, pushing to do what she thought would be good. I didn't let her, taking charge myself and pleasured her in every way I knew. She was...impatient at times, wanting to work on me, but not getting anywhere. It's true what they about men being impatient lovers, but for a guy and an impatient woman to share a bed, well it's a different experience in itself really. Fighting to take control of the motions, dealing out the pleasure in ways that suits us best. It turned things into an exciting game.

We have been seeing each other more since then, both with the others about and in private. Only one person knows about the four way romance, and that is Stephen. He is my confidant in Chilton, so his wisdom on things help in my life. He warned me about getting involved with Zoe like that, being Toni's, and Leigh's, response to when their love interest is fucking other people. I respect his view, but I am not going to stop. I like seeing Zoe when I do, and anyhow, Toni and Leigh are too high all the time. Sounds selfish, I know, but like I said, fuck it. Got nothing to lose, ain't I?

Well, time for me to sort my life out. I shall return very soon.

-.AA.-

Goodbye, My Old Friend...

Today was my old friends funeral. He was cremated at the borough crematorium. It was a good turnout, many faces from his life were there. Friends, family, a lot of them. I was glad in a way, that he touched so many people one way or another.

So, as you can probably guess, I've been feeling a little withdrawn. I was happy to put on a charade to help his wife, but inside another piece of my heart died. I'm just reminded about all the others. Their lives, their deaths, funerals, as well as my old friend's. It's a long road, the one I'm on, and at every turn darkness overshadows any form of light in my life.

Though there is one thing that has popped up. My uncle has a tattoo on his right arm. It is all the names of those he has lost as well. It covers the length of his forearm, with seventeen names listed on his skin. It is a fitting tribute to those he lost, considering most of them he lost in combat.

I've decided to do the same. Each name marked on me, along with their years. I feel that I can carry such a thing on me. A reminder of those that I loved. I just hope that I can get it done tastefully.

Another thing has shocked me today. A long time friend and former battle brother called me not long after the funeral and asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed as I haven't had a good catch up with him in a while. So, we met at the usual place, bought a drink and sat down to chat. I originally thought that he had nothing else to do and thought that I could keep him company. I was wrong. He called to tell me that he was heading to prison for supplying drugs. I went mad, asking two hundred questions about where, when, how, why. He told me that he lost his job, and finding it hard to find another, so decided to do a little bit of dealing to keep his income in good order. Apparently someone tipped off the police, and they raided his flat in the morning a few months back. He has yet to be sentenced properly, but his lawyer reckons that, with the amount he was found with, it was a minimum of six months. He wanted us to meet as sort of a farewell drink. I couldn't complain about the idea. At least he was being honest. I asked him why he didn't asked for help, I would gladly give him some cash, or even let him move in. He said that he wanted to try and sort things out for himself. Well, it was his choice. I can only stand by him as a friend and an ally, whatever the circumstance.

Well that is basically the current events of my life so far. I am still indecisive to what I am going to do about Sonia. But it still early days, maybe it can be resolved soon.

-.AA.-

The Dead Part Of Me...

Today I realised that my life is in turmoil. Well, worse than I have thought. A friend of mine died today. He was an old fool, never listened to a word that anyone would say. But, in the breath, was as wise as they would come. He always would help me with my troubles, whether they were love, life, work, anything else that bothered the hell out of me. He would have the answer. Now, lung cancer has taken him. His wife was on the phone, in tears, telling me the news. It saddens me to think that now he has gone, my life is that more darker.

Nineteen years. It's a long time. To know someone that long is quite an achievement. Especially for me. Most of my closest people are already in the ground. Every grave, every visit, the initial funeral, constantly plays in my head when I'm not thinking about more pressing matters. Too many ghosts. Too many memories, good and bad. I'm too young, people have said, to have witnessed all of this. My annual rituals of visiting their sites would consume me. What they don't realise is that it gives perspective. Every single person that I have lost, every person that is written upon my skin, had a different relationship with me. An aunt, a nan, a best friend, a free lover, a father, a battle-brother, all lost to me in this life. Now my closest confidant has passed away. Seven people. All of them were good, now they are dead.

-.AA.-