Freedom Comes At A Price

Three years ago I was part of a crew. We were tight at the time, doing nearly everything together. Partying, graffiti, fighting, all sorts. It was all a good laugh to me at the time, not really caring about looking for work, just living for the moment. Then at the beginning of May that year, I met Jess. As it were, we got extremely close, extremely quick, to the point where I barely saw the group I was with anymore. Then they accused me of stealing some audio equipment. I didn't. It all got slung about, accusations, people dropping my name into situations where I never even was near. It got ridiculous. It all went on for about a few weeks until I met them on the bus on my way to my Grandparent's house. I said hi out of courtesy, they kept quiet. After about ten minutes, I got off with Jess. Walking down the road, I felt my head jerk forward. I got a punch in the skull. I turned round to find them there running in. What was worse the the girls that they are with attacked Jess. We fought back though. They took a good knock until I dropped into the alley. I fell and bashed my head into a brick wall. I saw stars for a while, feeling them kick me in the midriff. I heard Jess fall onto the gravel. I opened my eyes long enough to see her face come into contact with a trainer.

I passed out from then on. I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came to I was being dragged up by Jess. About twenty minutes later, I was in an ambulance heading to hospital.

I cracked three ribs, fractured my jaw, broke all the metacarpal bones in my right hand, and had the prints of sixteen feet on my back. My confidence on a whole took a severe knock then. What didn't help was the police screwing up everything. I got them though. All of them, even the girls. They all landed prison/juvie for x amount of time plus fine plus ASBO.

The main reason this is alll coming up is that a) it's been almost two years since the court battle (wern't anything special), b) one of them was released Friday. I saw him, on his way to a train station. Sitting outside my local, smoke in hand, I watched him walk past. I laughed. I felt some satisfaction from him squirming his way past.

That's all for now. Goodnight guys.

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Welcome To The Metropolitain

Hey all, sorry about the lack of posts this past few days, but I had my birthday recently (Twenty, yay!), and I've been so busy with all the constant stream of night's out, party's and what not, I've only just managed to sit myself down to get through shit.

Anyhow, I should tell you about my last few days on a constant bender, and I will, eventually, but first, a little encounter that happened on the first that needs beating of my chest. I bumped into Jess when out to pick up some bits for mother dearest. At first sight she storming over, looking all hellfire-is-about-to-explode-from-her-head. Not within ten paces, she screamed all sorts of abuse in the middle of town. Ensue major argument in which local PCSO's come over to 'diffuse' the situation. A lot of what was said was old news (see previous blog posts for the info), yet still felt more like it all came about the day before. I have a feeling my wounds are still open, but still, that can't be helped. Jess kept going on and on about all this shit because she thought we hadn't finished. All I said was "We have fucking finished, you idiotic fool. You ended this argument the moment you threw that goddamn punch!" "But you..." "Who gives a flying fuck what I ain't done! You made your opinion crystal-fucking-clear at the fucking end of it!" The PCSO's came by then. They asked what was going on, and to keep it down, as I was disturbing the other shoppers. All I said to them was that there is no scene, except the one she was trying to make. I walked off, leaving her to explain things to that lot. I got a nice, shitty little text from her later that day. I haven't replied, don't want to waste the energy on some girl.

A couple of days later, things picked up rather nicely. It was my birthday, I had the next seven days off, and I had some long overdue meets to attend to. First things first, a lovely meal with the family. That included: my mum, her OH, my three brothers, my grandparents, my uncle and aunt and their four kids (I know, a big family!), which was insanely funny to say the least. Straight after that, ensue a very long, very drunk, piss up at my favourite bar. There were only about eight of us, myself and Sonia included, but I reckon that was more than enough of us to do the dirty. God, I was so far gone (which is rare), I honestly do not remember getting back home. The last thing I do remember is the kebab shop. They had dance playing out, I could not resist dancing about like an idiot. I do know of some video floating around somewhere, if I can get hold of it I'll post it up. Following day I back out for lunch, with Josi no less. It was great to see her at last. We spent the best part of three hours in that bar (the same one as yesterday), chatting away on absolutely everything and anything. It could of gone on so well, but she had a call out. Some family problem had come up. It was a shame, but we have found an evening free, so we will pick up from there. That night it was a house party at my flat with the group. No Sonia, as she had babysitting duty. Now there was a night worth remembering. All sorts happened. It was epic.

After that night, it was a five day climb down. It was that long because of my work had some live acts in, so I thought I'll head in. So that was basically it, minus a few illicit details which I'll go on at great length later. Until then guys.

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Too Many to Count

Now I have to say, as a young man about to hit his twenty's, that I can say what I am going to do with my life. But I can't. Life, for some reason or another, is being very fickle with me. As soon as something good has come up for me, it throws another spanner into the works. As strange as it is, I don't find it bad at all. In the contrary, it's rather liberating, to know that regardless of my ideals, I will always be dogged by something or rather.

So now is the time to explain a little bit about why I have insecurities over the three women in my life. The fact is, I was in a three year relationship with Jess. We had so much going, yet so much not. I mean, we share some massively good memories, like when the two of us ripped through Central London, making our way through every club from Soho to Camden we could find. Then there is others, like me screwing up, and then the whole street watching me crash and burn. At the end of it though, it all came to end quite spectacularly. We had this almighty row over a friend of mine I knew for years (not Sonia, thank God), whom was texting me a lot since she started working with me. Things got worse. All sorts of things started popping up. The times I couldn't make things like parties or do's, forgetting her at the airport, when I drunkenly snogged a girl at a club, and other tit bits. That was what made me mad, all of that stuff we done and dusted, closed the chapter, locked it way etc etc., yet she had the audacity to bring it all back up again. I thought, fuck that, enough is enough. I ended there and then. Cue punch to face. It shocked me, to feel a fist clocking my chin. I stood there, completely at a loss, this young woman, whom I have loved for the best part of three years, throwing a fist at me. I could do the only thing I could. I ran.

So there is the reason for my insecurities. It has given me so many questions now, none which I want to know the answer to. What doesn't help is that I have no perspective, no help I can rely on or go to. Though there is a little thing to help me through. Sonia and I are going for it, though on a slow path, as I still have some reservations about having a relationship in general. Also, Jessie and Josi are bugging me to meet with them. I am going to, but work and family conflict at the moment and I barely have enough time for myself. I'll just have to see how it goes for the time being.

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Well...

Hello there. I was going to post yesterday but I had a few things to clear up. For example yesterday, it would have been my third year anniversary to the relationship that ended recently. At the thought of it I never gave her a name. Her name is Jess. Anyway, she was the reason for me not posting yesterday. I am so madly in love with her, and yet there is not a damn thing I can do about it. except maybe drink. Or smoke for that matter, but I don't want to numb these feelings, it gives me great pleasure, and sadness simultaneously, in remembering those last few years. The love, companionship, sex, all of that I love and miss greatly. I wish there was a change of heart on her part, but as the line goes, it's for the best.

I have to admit, I did cry last night, lying in bed. I wondered what she would be doing right now. Probably out enjoying herself as she won't have work the following day. I hate to say it but I can't move on. My heart won't let me, no matter what my head says, it will not budge. It comforts me though, knowing that I still hold a beacon of light for her. I don't know if she holds one for me, I doubt I will ever know.

I wish I could get some help on this, but I don't know if anyone can. There's no one I really know that can help me. It's painful to come to terms with this. Maybe I can get my love life sorted, maybe it will fall into place. one day.

I want to share a song with you. It is a song made by a band in Stockholm, Sweden. It's not a song that been 'released' like those you hear on the main radio stations, more like one of those songs that you come across when you aimlessly browse the web. Anyway here it is. The link for the song is below.

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Mental Issues - You

Where have you gone now?

You left me here all alone and i can't breath

Why did you let me down

All my thoughts of you will fade now

This feels so unreal

Why can't you let me wake up from this nightmare

I don't know what to believe

And this is all because of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now I'm done with you

This was the last time you let me down

I don't give a shit anymore

Why can;t you open your eyes and see

Why won't you listen now

It's my turn to speak up and put you down

I just wrote to say goodbye

I'm deleting the memories of you

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone

This is all a waste of time

To think about you

My memory destroys itself

To let me forget about you

Now everything is clear

Like you suddenly disappeared

And all I want

Is for you to be gone